I'll take off my disguise, the mask you met me in 'cuz I got something for you to see.
Just gimme your skeleton, give me the skin it's in, yeah baby, this is you according to me.
I never avert my eyes, I never compromise, so never mind the poetry
Ani DiFranco
In another story I wrote a little bit about people avoiding conflict. In this story I’m going to touch on that again, but mostly this is about having uncomfortable conversations and truth telling in general . . . and it has been a hard story to write. Probably the worst piece of crap I’ve ever written but, so far, I would say the most poignant.
Movies and books and magazines give us the idea that life should always be perfect and pretty. What prepares us for the less than optimal times in life? What shows us how to have some very difficult conversations and know that just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean it’s bad? Watching our parents? Fighting with our siblings? Belief in a higher power? Years of 50 minute hours in a therapists office? Maybe all of these things, overwhelmingly though, people tend to avoid what’s not pretty because ugly and awkward is . . . you know, ugly and awkward. In my stories I tend to get preachy but I want to assure you the only reason I even have these stories is through my own epic failures . . . EPIC failures.
Communication is always best and telling the truth is always best. Both can be hard. Telling the truth can make you feel so afraid and vulnerable, particularly when you know the person to whom you’re speaking doesn’t want to hear it. Trust me though, they want the truth more than they want a lie. A lie makes a tense situation even worse and people, when you lie, it’s obvious. You may as well have a neon sign above your head with an arrow pointing down that says “I AM LYING RIGHT NOW”. But, when you tell the truth, even when it hurts, then both parties can begin to move forward together. It’s the only fair thing to do. I recall a time a couple of years ago when a friend of mine looked me in the eye and told me one of the most outrageous lies I’ve ever heard in my life. Really, I almost laughed out loud. I was also a bit insulted that someone thought I was so stupid as to believe such a tale. Nonetheless, I let it go. My friend knows he lied, he knows that I know he lied. What can ya do? Well, you can find people that value the truth and real communication but we all say we do. Do we really? My friend is still my friend. He lied because the truth (which I already knew) would have hurt me and he knows me well enough to know that my reaction was not going to be something he felt like dealing with. It’s not necessarily ok, I was very hurt, but I do understand. It’s hard to hurt people and it’s hard to know their reaction is going to be, shall we say, a bit fiery. But here’s where we get into the topic of uncomfortable conversations. Yes, the truth would have been hard on me, but not as hard being lied to, we needed the uncomfortable conversation. We needed to get it said and then move forward in our friendship together. I should point out here that other than hiding the truth, my friend was not doing anything wrong, I just didn’t happen to like what he was doing and the pained part of me wanted to say “Hey, you can’t pull the wool over my eyes, I know what you’re doing. I KNOW! WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS AND YOU KEEP SECRETS FROM ME? HOW DARE YOU?!” So, you see why he might not have wanted to be totally up front with me? I’d like to think I would have been slightly more noble than that, but then being noble wouldn't really have been truthful. See how hard it is? You gotta tell the truth, ya gotta. And me, maybe I need to learn to be a little more accepting. Nonetheless, life is fraught with uncomfortable conversations and we need to have them and I will indeed be talking about being a good recipient of the truth as well as being a truth teller. Both sides people, both sides, it’s about valuing the truth by speaking it and hearing it. If you were mentally pointing a finger at someone else, now is the time to stop.
Saying what needs to be said is scary sometimes. You’re standing there muttering these words and cringing or crying with every syllable and you feel vulnerable, embarrassed, and so very afraid. What if I show my real self in this moment and the person to whom I’m speaking raises their hands in disgust and horror and walks away? What am I risking by showing my true inner self? If this person knows who I really am I’ll be shamed and shunned from the herd. So much at stake, so much to risk. Well, what if that person does recoil in horror and walk away? It will hurt, but let them go. Likely it’s not so much their judgment of you as of themselves. I dunno, I’m guessing. I’m fumbling through this entire story because it really is hard to talk about tough stuff. I’d rather talk about unicorns and pots of gold and rainbows, but who wouldn’t? That’s why I’m writing this story.
Uncomfortable conversations and situations are building blocks that create a strong foundation. I think of the few people in life that know everything about me, that have seen me at my worst, and still love me. I have developed closer bonds with these people because they know my weaknesses, my frailties, my faults, and they love me. Not in spite of, not except for, they love ALL of me. There is nothing I could tell Therese about me that would make her look away in disgust and say “That’s it, friendship off”. There are times when, as a good friend, she may say “Wow, not the wisest choice you’ve ever made but ok, let’s talk about this”. I think of all the horror stories from my youth that I unloaded on Steve Whittier and he never, ever walked away and said “Wow, you’re gross. I only liked you when you were pretty and fun. Now you’re not so pretty and you're bordering on crazy.” Several years ago my friend Michele told me that she and her man had just had a disagreement but they talked about it and everything was fine. Oh you heard me, they TALKED about it, and some uncomfortable things were said. I imagine some terse words were exchanged BUT, each voiced their opinion, each listened to what the other had to say (WHAT?!) and she said “Of course we got over it and moved on and, as always after a disagreement, our relationship is stronger now.” I was stunned into silence. Their bond grew and became stronger because they HAD A DIFFICULT CONVERSATION, THE AIR HAD BEEN CLEARED HONESTLY, AND NO ONE GOT UP AND WALKED OUT ON THE OTHER ONE. What the F? This is the nature of true intimacy. Knowing that you can fillet yourself wide open and let the other person look inside at all the not so pleasant parts of you and that those not so pretty parts will be accepted and, in fact, even loved. We hear that misery loves company, because it’s comforting to know that it’s not just you. When you’re crying like you’ve lost your puppy and snot is slinging out your nose and you’re rubbing it on the back of your arm and confessing to that time you kicked a kid in school it’s horrifying, but then, oh yes then, your partner, friend, spouse, parent, sibling shines a beacon of light on you and says “You know what? When I was a kid I stole a dollar from my mom” and suddenly you have reached true intimacy nirvana because neither of you is perfect. What’s more comforting than that? Telling the truth seems frightening because we think everyone else has done everything right all the time and we have done everything wrong all the time. Not true my friends. Take comfort, we all suck sometimes.
And now we come to the other side, the listening to the truth side. Speaking the truth is scary, hearing the truth can really hurt and I have failed, failed, failed at times on both sides. There have been times I’ve been so busy pointing out fault in others that I have not been good at listening to what others have to say. Pointing a finger outward is a thinly veiled distraction to get focus off of ourselves. “I’d never lie to you!” Well, that may be true but have I been a safe harbor for you? Have I made our relationship a place where you can feel safe saying what you need to say? I’m shamed and saddened to admit I have not. I have been quite deficient at accepting some people as they are. How can I expect anyone to care for the weakest parts of me when I only accept the best and most beautiful parts of them? And yet, I am most comforted by people who are real. I am a bundle of imperfection so I don’t really want to hang with anyone who doesn’t have some flaws as well, I can’t live up to that! I don’t want to live up to that. I want someone who knows what it’s like to be imperfect.
The hearing part of an uncomfortable conversation is mortifying. It can feel like an attack, even when the most graceful and gracious words are used. You want to jump to your own defense and say “well you did that one thing and then you did that other thing and that’s way worse”. Maybe, but now isn’t the time. Or you listen politely, wordlessly, until you get your chance to say “Hmmmm, yes, I’ll take that into consideration, thank you so much for your enlightening view point”, then roll your eyes and move on. This is a successful and cunning avoidance. It appears you’ve listened but only because you haven’t spoken. I’m talking about uncomfortable CONVERSATIONS, you know, between two people, where they discuss openly and as a team try to reach some sort of happy conclusion. Uncomfortable, by the way, is not always an attack, what if you’re saying something really nice to someone who is about to break up with you? Wow, that’s an uncomfortable conversation in the works. What if you’re saying something really beautiful to someone who is squirming to get away and just doesn’t want to hear it? Awkward. But sometimes in life we have to hear things, as difficult and ego bruising as it is. We need to let our friends know that they can show us their less than beautiful parts just as we want them to see ours. It’s hard, I know it’s hard. And we need to have good friends by being good friends and letting them feel that they can come to you, or to me, and say “This isn’t good, you may not like it, will you listen anyway?” You can get angry, it’s ok. Try to be gentle when voicing your anger and try to maybe hold off for a couple of minutes and see if maybe, just maybe, there is some validity in what is being said.
So many times in my life I have not told the truth, not told a lie mind you and that has been my defense, but avoided saying what was really on my mind because I was flat out scared. What pains me even more is that so many times in my life I have not provided a safe space for some people to tell me their truths, thus they have felt more comfortable hiding the truth from me and then, in my pious and righteous indignation, I have gotten to tell them how wrong they are. So as I said in the beginning, this was a hard story to write, I’ve revealed myself to all of you.
No one likes uncomfortable conversations, they’re nowhere near as nice as unicorns and pots of gold and rainbows but actually, they kind of are because they do bring you closer to each other. Really, I’m not even kidding. Always speak the truth, speak it kindly, and be comforting to the listener. Always listen to your friend, listen kindly, and provide a safe space for your friend to be honest.
As I said before, you can angry, it’s ok. Remember you love each other. The goal isn’t to be right, the goal is to love each other.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Bruised Wine
Recently my stomach turned upside down, then my heart flipped over and fluttered as he walked in the door and I wondered “what the . . .?” and then I knew. I knew I was in trouble.
I don’t want to feel this way, but I do.
Days of trying to talk myself out of it have gone by and yet my heart still floats as I recall the smiling face that made my insides dance and sway.
I don’t want to feel this way, but I do.
Try though I might to bury it deep by ignoring it, or purge it out through tears hoping it will wash away, it remains. It remains but with the added bonus of pain . . . the sensation, the feeling is not returned.
I don’t want to feel this way, but I do.
I watch in pain as the affection is given to another, I feel sick and teary eyed for entirely different reasons. My stomach turns again, not with delight.
I most assuredly do NOT want to feel this way, but I do.
I don’t want to feel this way, but I do.
Days of trying to talk myself out of it have gone by and yet my heart still floats as I recall the smiling face that made my insides dance and sway.
I don’t want to feel this way, but I do.
Try though I might to bury it deep by ignoring it, or purge it out through tears hoping it will wash away, it remains. It remains but with the added bonus of pain . . . the sensation, the feeling is not returned.
I don’t want to feel this way, but I do.
I watch in pain as the affection is given to another, I feel sick and teary eyed for entirely different reasons. My stomach turns again, not with delight.
I most assuredly do NOT want to feel this way, but I do.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Sharing Casseroles and Community
I want to fall in love with the world, I want the world to fall in love
I want to fall in love with the world, I want the world to fall in love.
John Martyn
There is a shortage of casserole giving in the world today and I don’t like it. When I was a kid (how about that for old person speak? “When I was a wee whipper snapper everything was a helluva lot better” she whistled through her dentures), anyway, when I was a kid the world was still the center of Galileo’s universe and God was just a young little thing, people lived in community and shared their stories, babysat each others’ kids, and made casseroles. I don’t really give two hoots about a casserole mind you, but what happened to the whole “love thy neighbor and when a new one moves in down the street bring them a casserole to introduce yourself and be welcoming” idea?
We don’t even seem to have “community” within our dwindling nuclear families. Families don’t share dinner together and if they do the t.v. is on. Why? Why don’t we even want to communicate with the people that we love and torture the most? If you’re not spending your evenings pestering your siblings at the dinner table then you’re missing out on a world of fun. No wonder we’re all losing our ability to communicate with each other and all our relationships are breaking down. My family has a very special ability to drive me batty but holy cow, since when does that matter? Parents rule the roost and if you’re a parent turning your nose up at me right now and saying “that’s not true”, bullshit. It IS true. YOU are the parent and YOU determine mealtime and YOU determine who is in attendance and YOU determine the nutritional value that food will or will not contain and YOU determine whether the t.v. is on or off. You are not your childrens friend, you are their parent. Easily enough said by someone who is not a parent, I know, but seriously
people . . . from parenting to dealing with people at work to maintaining friendships and dating relationships and marriages we all need to turn the damn t.v. off and communicate with each other and get comfortable talking with
people . . . face to face . . . in person . . . right there in front of you. I'm totally pontificating, I know, but I’m firm in my convictions and if you have better ideas I’m happy to hear them. Being firm in my convictions does not always equate to being right.
In the past week I believe I have counted four people who have said to me “I don’t like conflict”. I’m not sure there are a large number of people who relish conflict but it happens, and the more we avoid it the worse the situation is going to get. We’re not learning to communicate with people and we’re avoiding saying things that need to be said, especially when those things can feel a little uncomfortable, the problem festers into a huge boil and rather than lancing it we just walk away and say “Forget it, I’m scared, I’ll just go somewhere else.” What the hell good is that? You’re just going to keep facing problems and losing people. We just leave. We leave our friends, our families, our spouses, our jobs, our schools and in some extreme cases we just shoot each other. Eventually you could run out of places to run and hide and people to talk to . . . or not talk to.
Apparently that really is happening because according to a study on “Blue Zones” people in our society no longer have the same amount of what can be called close friends as we once did, and our health is suffering from it. If you don’t know, blue zones are areas of the world where people live past 100 years of age quite regularly and ya know what? They live in community with each other. You know what else? They have at least six people they call close friends. In our society today that has dwindled to one for many people, and none for some. And another thing, in blue zones they don’t send their elders out to pasture. In these cultures elders are revered, their wisdom is valued. The oldest tea bushes yield the most tea leaves. We can learn so much from our older generations and they can add so much to our lives. Why do we choose to ignore this? Do we not want to face our own mortality? Are we too busy rushing around heaven only knows where and we can’t stop and give time to those who brought us into this world in the first place? We can gain so much by slowing down and giving our time, our thoughts, and our open ears and hearts (and closed mouths) to those who have so much more life than we have. So much can be gained from this portion of our community and continuing to live in community with all ages of our family.
So, I’ve bashed television watching but now I’m going to tell you about a movie I randomly found on the t.v. – go figure. Many years ago I was lying around on the couch looking for a Sunday afternoon movie to watch and I found it. I believe it was called “Sidney”. It starred Tony Randall and for the life of me I cannot find any proof of the existence of this movie no matter where I search but I’m tellin’ ya, I saw it. Not even the mighty “Steel Magnolias” has ever made me cry like this movie that may, or not may not, be entitled “Sidney”. This was over twenty years ago, I’ve only seen it once, and the thought of it can still tear me apart. Nothing is more painful than loneliness EXCEPT, witnessing another person's loneliness. Everyday Sidney brings home his take out Chinese food after work, eats it in the carton (holy crap I’m crying just writing about it), throws it away, and that’s that. No conversations with anyone, no laughing, no smiling, no sharing his day and no uncomfortable interactions with someone he loves, just neat, clean, orderly, emptiness. Sidneys existence has no joy, no red punch stains on a white carpet, no spontaneous dancing in the kitchen while making dinner, no disagreements to be worked through, no love, no dharma until . . . the girl comes along. Somehow, I don’t remember how, a young pregnant girl comes into his life. At first he dislikes her and resents the disruption she brings, but bit by bit the color is brought back into his cheeks and his life. He begins cooking meals and he is so excited about helping the girl and he suddenly has a reason to wake every day, he has joy and love and hope and his life is full, full, full of happiness. His soul is awakened, he begins to flourish, and he is a new man until . . . the girl leaves. As I recall, the man who knocked her up and bailed on her decided to come back, and she goes with him. At the end of the movie we see Sidney as we did in the beginning, lifeless, eating his take out Chinese food alone and throwing out the cartons to end yet another gray day. We need people. WE NEED PEOPLE. We’re meant to be with each other. God had Noah put two of every living creature on the ark and He gave Eve to Adam. And speaking of the great divine . . .
We don’t worship together. You’re all cringing now aren’t you? Oh my GOD she said WORSHIP! Yes, I did. It doesn’t matter to me if you believe in God traditionally or not. I don’t care if you think God is a woman. I don’t care if you are aligned with Hinduism, Buddhism, Shinto-ism, or a follower of Native American tribal customs, but believing there is something greater than us helps us all to have a greater sense of love for each other. Go to church, don’t go to church, chant, dance with wolves, join a drum circle, that does not matter in the least, it’s the faith in a higher purpose and power that can help us to feel hope in a hopeless world, to lose our narcissism and to genuinely care about the planet and it’s nutty inhabitants. Find a friend, find several of them. Share your books, your recipes, your stories. Connect with your family no matter how much they make you cringe, they love you very much. Listen to others. LISTEN. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH AND LISTEN. Create community in your life. Community eases the pain of economic crisis, heart break, and runny noses. These things will all still happen, but someone else will come over and bring you soup.
Come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love one another right now.
I want to fall in love with the world, I want the world to fall in love.
John Martyn
There is a shortage of casserole giving in the world today and I don’t like it. When I was a kid (how about that for old person speak? “When I was a wee whipper snapper everything was a helluva lot better” she whistled through her dentures), anyway, when I was a kid the world was still the center of Galileo’s universe and God was just a young little thing, people lived in community and shared their stories, babysat each others’ kids, and made casseroles. I don’t really give two hoots about a casserole mind you, but what happened to the whole “love thy neighbor and when a new one moves in down the street bring them a casserole to introduce yourself and be welcoming” idea?
We don’t even seem to have “community” within our dwindling nuclear families. Families don’t share dinner together and if they do the t.v. is on. Why? Why don’t we even want to communicate with the people that we love and torture the most? If you’re not spending your evenings pestering your siblings at the dinner table then you’re missing out on a world of fun. No wonder we’re all losing our ability to communicate with each other and all our relationships are breaking down. My family has a very special ability to drive me batty but holy cow, since when does that matter? Parents rule the roost and if you’re a parent turning your nose up at me right now and saying “that’s not true”, bullshit. It IS true. YOU are the parent and YOU determine mealtime and YOU determine who is in attendance and YOU determine the nutritional value that food will or will not contain and YOU determine whether the t.v. is on or off. You are not your childrens friend, you are their parent. Easily enough said by someone who is not a parent, I know, but seriously
people . . . from parenting to dealing with people at work to maintaining friendships and dating relationships and marriages we all need to turn the damn t.v. off and communicate with each other and get comfortable talking with
people . . . face to face . . . in person . . . right there in front of you. I'm totally pontificating, I know, but I’m firm in my convictions and if you have better ideas I’m happy to hear them. Being firm in my convictions does not always equate to being right.
In the past week I believe I have counted four people who have said to me “I don’t like conflict”. I’m not sure there are a large number of people who relish conflict but it happens, and the more we avoid it the worse the situation is going to get. We’re not learning to communicate with people and we’re avoiding saying things that need to be said, especially when those things can feel a little uncomfortable, the problem festers into a huge boil and rather than lancing it we just walk away and say “Forget it, I’m scared, I’ll just go somewhere else.” What the hell good is that? You’re just going to keep facing problems and losing people. We just leave. We leave our friends, our families, our spouses, our jobs, our schools and in some extreme cases we just shoot each other. Eventually you could run out of places to run and hide and people to talk to . . . or not talk to.
Apparently that really is happening because according to a study on “Blue Zones” people in our society no longer have the same amount of what can be called close friends as we once did, and our health is suffering from it. If you don’t know, blue zones are areas of the world where people live past 100 years of age quite regularly and ya know what? They live in community with each other. You know what else? They have at least six people they call close friends. In our society today that has dwindled to one for many people, and none for some. And another thing, in blue zones they don’t send their elders out to pasture. In these cultures elders are revered, their wisdom is valued. The oldest tea bushes yield the most tea leaves. We can learn so much from our older generations and they can add so much to our lives. Why do we choose to ignore this? Do we not want to face our own mortality? Are we too busy rushing around heaven only knows where and we can’t stop and give time to those who brought us into this world in the first place? We can gain so much by slowing down and giving our time, our thoughts, and our open ears and hearts (and closed mouths) to those who have so much more life than we have. So much can be gained from this portion of our community and continuing to live in community with all ages of our family.
So, I’ve bashed television watching but now I’m going to tell you about a movie I randomly found on the t.v. – go figure. Many years ago I was lying around on the couch looking for a Sunday afternoon movie to watch and I found it. I believe it was called “Sidney”. It starred Tony Randall and for the life of me I cannot find any proof of the existence of this movie no matter where I search but I’m tellin’ ya, I saw it. Not even the mighty “Steel Magnolias” has ever made me cry like this movie that may, or not may not, be entitled “Sidney”. This was over twenty years ago, I’ve only seen it once, and the thought of it can still tear me apart. Nothing is more painful than loneliness EXCEPT, witnessing another person's loneliness. Everyday Sidney brings home his take out Chinese food after work, eats it in the carton (holy crap I’m crying just writing about it), throws it away, and that’s that. No conversations with anyone, no laughing, no smiling, no sharing his day and no uncomfortable interactions with someone he loves, just neat, clean, orderly, emptiness. Sidneys existence has no joy, no red punch stains on a white carpet, no spontaneous dancing in the kitchen while making dinner, no disagreements to be worked through, no love, no dharma until . . . the girl comes along. Somehow, I don’t remember how, a young pregnant girl comes into his life. At first he dislikes her and resents the disruption she brings, but bit by bit the color is brought back into his cheeks and his life. He begins cooking meals and he is so excited about helping the girl and he suddenly has a reason to wake every day, he has joy and love and hope and his life is full, full, full of happiness. His soul is awakened, he begins to flourish, and he is a new man until . . . the girl leaves. As I recall, the man who knocked her up and bailed on her decided to come back, and she goes with him. At the end of the movie we see Sidney as we did in the beginning, lifeless, eating his take out Chinese food alone and throwing out the cartons to end yet another gray day. We need people. WE NEED PEOPLE. We’re meant to be with each other. God had Noah put two of every living creature on the ark and He gave Eve to Adam. And speaking of the great divine . . .
We don’t worship together. You’re all cringing now aren’t you? Oh my GOD she said WORSHIP! Yes, I did. It doesn’t matter to me if you believe in God traditionally or not. I don’t care if you think God is a woman. I don’t care if you are aligned with Hinduism, Buddhism, Shinto-ism, or a follower of Native American tribal customs, but believing there is something greater than us helps us all to have a greater sense of love for each other. Go to church, don’t go to church, chant, dance with wolves, join a drum circle, that does not matter in the least, it’s the faith in a higher purpose and power that can help us to feel hope in a hopeless world, to lose our narcissism and to genuinely care about the planet and it’s nutty inhabitants. Find a friend, find several of them. Share your books, your recipes, your stories. Connect with your family no matter how much they make you cringe, they love you very much. Listen to others. LISTEN. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH AND LISTEN. Create community in your life. Community eases the pain of economic crisis, heart break, and runny noses. These things will all still happen, but someone else will come over and bring you soup.
Come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love one another right now.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
People Can't Even Remember the Vice Presidents Name, First Place Is All That Matters
Why can't we overcome this wall? Well, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all
Jeff Buckley
Emotional infidelity is the cruelest sort of infidelity. Being emotionally tied to someone who is not your someone is just flat out wrong. Really, I just can’t see any sort of caveat here. People who are involved in emotionally inappropriate relationships tend to gloss over them because it is not physical. They like to claim “we’re friends”. It crosses every possible line of intimacy except actual touching and so it is deemed “ok.” It is not ok. It hurts. People who do this know it’s not ok, that’s why they hide it. For heaven’s sake, you know it’s wrong, you’re using that weak three legged dog of an excuse “we’re just friends” and it’s gonna tumble like a . . . a three legged dog!
As with most of my stories this one comes with experience . . . on both sides. Oh yes, I admit it, I’ve done it. I’ve been emotionally tied to one person while dating another and tried to believe there was nothing wrong with it. I knew there was, but I wouldn’t even admit it to myself. I imagined the two men in my life becoming great friends and all of us bonding into one big happy friendship. I see how disrespectful, selfish, uncaring, and just plain ridiculous that is now. I was wrong and I hurt someone. I knew then it was wrong and I was hurting someone, now I know firsthand just how badly it hurts and I feel beyond awful. I treated someone who should have been first in my life, at least for a time, as a runner up. Now I have also been treated as that runner up . . . no crown, no gold medal, no top pedestal, just second best. Who cares about second? It may as well be 52nd. If it’s not first I don’t want it.
When I think back on my own days of being an emotional philanderer I remember the secrets. Not telling lies mind you, and that was how I rationalized it. I wasn’t completely up front about everywhere I went and certainly not with whom. I never told him that someone I claimed as one of my “best” friends was, in fact, an ex in my life who I could not, would not forget. When I went to movies or dinner with the ex who was now “best” friend I did not tell the man I was dating. I knew it was wrong. I just didn’t call him on those days and avoided his calls to me, therefore not having to explain myself. I didn’t commit fully to him because I didn’t want my friendships and my perceived freedoms curbed. Those very words have also been spoken to me and I know what it means. Back then I still had hope for someone who could not have been more gone, and I have, in turn, been sacrificed in someone else’s life for someone who could not be more gone.
As always time marches on, wisdom and experience replace moronic, childish, self indulgent behavior. My ex is no longer my “best” friend. Did I really have hope, or was it just fear of letting go? Did I really even want him or could I just not face moving on? I finally know the true freedom of being released from a paralyzing friendship of false hopes. I know that freedom comes from being completely dedicated to yourself in order to help you weed out those who are not. Freedom comes from being completely open, honest, and not wasting your precious time on people who are not fully open and honest with you. I am not second best, and neither are any of you. Do not allow this in your lives. The man whom I treated as second eventually left, the ex as best friend is gone, and the man who treated me as second is gone. In times past, in weaker times of my life, I would have said “Woe is me, I am completely alone”. Now I know that I am free to find the one who values me, who will give me the crown, the highest pedestal, and a sash that says “Number One”. Free of half assed and half hearted relationships, feeding on the bits that are being doled out and hoping for “more porridge please” like a half starved orphan of old.
I need to point out that emotional infidels do not always fall back on ex’s for their inappropriate and dysfunctional “friendships”. Sometimes it’s just being too close with a person who is not yours to be quite so close with. If you have a co-worker that you have lunch with just a bit too frequently, or someone in class or at the gym with whom you share a few too many furtive smiles and flirtatious laughs then you are on a slippery slope my friend. If you aren’t being entirely up front with your significant other about this person, you’re an emotional cheat. You’re sending your energy out to the wrong person. Sure they look great, you’re not really with them. You don’t see them when they’re sick with their head hanging over the toilet, you don’t see them get angry, you don’t see them lying around the house wearing sweat pants and the cleanest dirty shirt they could find lying on the floor. You only see the polished, finished, “outside of the house” product and that is NOT REAL.
What hurts about this kind of relationship is the deception. I know for me, when I discovered my former significant other had this type of friendship I was crushed to know that he would be so dishonest with me. I waited a couple of weeks before saying anything about it because I hoped he would come clean with me and I could at least pretend he wasn’t being sneaky. But he was . . . and then I didn’t know him at all. I had no idea who this person was because now, how could I trust anything? Everything could have been a lie for all I knew. In the end he treated me with less respect, dignity, and integrity than I deserved. And that, my friends, is not enough for me . . . or for you.
Shine your light so those who are made for you can find you and when they do, love them fully, you both deserve it. Do not accept less.
Jeff Buckley
Emotional infidelity is the cruelest sort of infidelity. Being emotionally tied to someone who is not your someone is just flat out wrong. Really, I just can’t see any sort of caveat here. People who are involved in emotionally inappropriate relationships tend to gloss over them because it is not physical. They like to claim “we’re friends”. It crosses every possible line of intimacy except actual touching and so it is deemed “ok.” It is not ok. It hurts. People who do this know it’s not ok, that’s why they hide it. For heaven’s sake, you know it’s wrong, you’re using that weak three legged dog of an excuse “we’re just friends” and it’s gonna tumble like a . . . a three legged dog!
As with most of my stories this one comes with experience . . . on both sides. Oh yes, I admit it, I’ve done it. I’ve been emotionally tied to one person while dating another and tried to believe there was nothing wrong with it. I knew there was, but I wouldn’t even admit it to myself. I imagined the two men in my life becoming great friends and all of us bonding into one big happy friendship. I see how disrespectful, selfish, uncaring, and just plain ridiculous that is now. I was wrong and I hurt someone. I knew then it was wrong and I was hurting someone, now I know firsthand just how badly it hurts and I feel beyond awful. I treated someone who should have been first in my life, at least for a time, as a runner up. Now I have also been treated as that runner up . . . no crown, no gold medal, no top pedestal, just second best. Who cares about second? It may as well be 52nd. If it’s not first I don’t want it.
When I think back on my own days of being an emotional philanderer I remember the secrets. Not telling lies mind you, and that was how I rationalized it. I wasn’t completely up front about everywhere I went and certainly not with whom. I never told him that someone I claimed as one of my “best” friends was, in fact, an ex in my life who I could not, would not forget. When I went to movies or dinner with the ex who was now “best” friend I did not tell the man I was dating. I knew it was wrong. I just didn’t call him on those days and avoided his calls to me, therefore not having to explain myself. I didn’t commit fully to him because I didn’t want my friendships and my perceived freedoms curbed. Those very words have also been spoken to me and I know what it means. Back then I still had hope for someone who could not have been more gone, and I have, in turn, been sacrificed in someone else’s life for someone who could not be more gone.
As always time marches on, wisdom and experience replace moronic, childish, self indulgent behavior. My ex is no longer my “best” friend. Did I really have hope, or was it just fear of letting go? Did I really even want him or could I just not face moving on? I finally know the true freedom of being released from a paralyzing friendship of false hopes. I know that freedom comes from being completely dedicated to yourself in order to help you weed out those who are not. Freedom comes from being completely open, honest, and not wasting your precious time on people who are not fully open and honest with you. I am not second best, and neither are any of you. Do not allow this in your lives. The man whom I treated as second eventually left, the ex as best friend is gone, and the man who treated me as second is gone. In times past, in weaker times of my life, I would have said “Woe is me, I am completely alone”. Now I know that I am free to find the one who values me, who will give me the crown, the highest pedestal, and a sash that says “Number One”. Free of half assed and half hearted relationships, feeding on the bits that are being doled out and hoping for “more porridge please” like a half starved orphan of old.
I need to point out that emotional infidels do not always fall back on ex’s for their inappropriate and dysfunctional “friendships”. Sometimes it’s just being too close with a person who is not yours to be quite so close with. If you have a co-worker that you have lunch with just a bit too frequently, or someone in class or at the gym with whom you share a few too many furtive smiles and flirtatious laughs then you are on a slippery slope my friend. If you aren’t being entirely up front with your significant other about this person, you’re an emotional cheat. You’re sending your energy out to the wrong person. Sure they look great, you’re not really with them. You don’t see them when they’re sick with their head hanging over the toilet, you don’t see them get angry, you don’t see them lying around the house wearing sweat pants and the cleanest dirty shirt they could find lying on the floor. You only see the polished, finished, “outside of the house” product and that is NOT REAL.
What hurts about this kind of relationship is the deception. I know for me, when I discovered my former significant other had this type of friendship I was crushed to know that he would be so dishonest with me. I waited a couple of weeks before saying anything about it because I hoped he would come clean with me and I could at least pretend he wasn’t being sneaky. But he was . . . and then I didn’t know him at all. I had no idea who this person was because now, how could I trust anything? Everything could have been a lie for all I knew. In the end he treated me with less respect, dignity, and integrity than I deserved. And that, my friends, is not enough for me . . . or for you.
Shine your light so those who are made for you can find you and when they do, love them fully, you both deserve it. Do not accept less.
Monday, August 9, 2010
The Grand Illusion
So if you think your life is complete confusion because your neighbors got it made, just remember that it’s a grand illusion and deep inside we’re all the same. . .
Styx
Our friend, Morrissey, claims we hate it when our friends become successful. Do we really? Hate is a strong word.
I look around, I see the lives of others, and I judge myself. Everyone else seems to have it together while I do more than just stagnate, I actually fall behind. It seems as though my friends all make more money than I do, they have better jobs, they buy houses and drive nicer cars, they are in better physical shape, they go on lots of great vacations, they do more exciting things on the weekends, and I wonder how much did you pay for your bad Moto Guzzi? These things all make me feel inadequate.
You may be thinking “Life is full of choices and you can choose to do exciting things on the weekend as well.” I can’t do all the things they do and go all the places they go and drive their cars and live in their homes because I don’t make the money they make so phhhhlllbbttttt to that. And while money is not everything, it’s fairly important when it’s time to pay the bills. Living a life of high ideals and low overhead is great, but the phone company couldn’t care less. When I start feeling this complain-y and yuck-y and whine-y I try to remember the power of positive thought. It is said in more than two places that positive thought brings positive things into your life. That’s the general idea, I’m not quoting. But really, from “The Secret” to the Bible we are told to keep our collective chins up. I believe this, but I’m wondering about the time frame, c’mon already, I’m in my fourth decade of life here, can I get a break already? And the times when I mentally falter . . . when I just can’t look inward because I’m too caught up in looking out at everyone else, ugh . . . I feel like a failure. Sometimes these momentary lapses of sunny thinking can be cleared up by yoga, a walk outside, chocolate almond milk, or a little extra Progesterone Cream, but other times there are not enough non-dairy ginger snaps in the world to keep me from sinking further into my self induced abyss of pity.
But, Morrissey, I also see my friends successes as beacons in my dark nights of failure. I take delight in their achievements because I love my friends, I have no wish to see them fail, and I don’t want them to lose all they have gained, I would just like to have a slice of the pie too. If they can do it, I can too, I just haven’t found my way yet. Will I ever? Typically I feel I have found my way to “gainful employment nirvana” about every five years, and then the love affair ends. The world isn’t the same as it was just a few decades ago. My father worked for the same company most of his adult life, as did most fathers back then. But now we are free to switch companies and careers whenever we feel the urge. It’s great and at times I have loved the freedom and flexibility of my life, at other times it is quite sobering to feel I have no path, just aimless meanderings. I change my mind a lot. I change my mind about what to wear, where to work, what to do for a living, what creative outlet I will indulge in this year, and what my favorite color may be today. I’d like to say I’m constantly reinventing myself but the truth is, I just get distracted by shiny things in the sand. Is that why I’m in this place in my life now? And is it really so bad? I’ve done a lot of different things from radio to mortgage to massage therapy. I’m a renaissance woman.
That is not true, I’m just flighty.
But the same question remains, is that so bad?
Thinking back to the days after my divorce I recall a somewhat snobbish vision of myself I have carried as being poor but happy. “I don’t need money, I am above such trite weaknesses of human nature. I only need my soul, my soulmate, and my Great Divine.” What drivel. It’s such a romantic notion though, an old clapboard house, boiling hot on a Sunday night in summer, a fly strip that needs to be retired, and me sitting on my porch swing, barefoot, plucking at my guitar and singing softly. (I can’t even play my guitar, I just keep saying I’ll learn some day.) And yet, I can’t help but say I like the whole image. The image, however, doesn’t account for the difficulty of Monday morning when I have to get back to real life. Or Friday night when the rest of the world says “Let’s go out for sushi” and I can’t afford it. There is no dignity in being broke and I don’t care how high I hold my chin with indignation at the capitalist greed of sushi eaters, I want to go with them and I want to wear something a little bit nicer than overalls and a babushka. Righteous indignation is not all it’s cracked up to be. The sushi eaters of the world will not say “Oh gosh, we are terrible people and we too will give up all our worldly goods and live off raisins, nuts, and love.” They will roll their eyeballs, say “Oh go live in an ashram” and trot off leaving me to eat my ramen noodles in peace, love, and self righteousness. Awesome.
Trouble is, I have an easier time seeing this vision, or rather believing this vision, than I do of the vision of myself as successful. I have a vision of success that includes a great house, a green Jeep, a lucrative writing career, and a screened in back porch so I can write outside when it rains and Lucy and Delilah, my faithful furry felines, can go “outside”. Why does this one seem unattainable? Silly even? More of a pipedream than something I can truly have? I’m on to something here. Apparently I lack faith in myself. Why? I’m intelligent, I can be very driven when I’m very interested, and I believe I possess at least a modicum of talent. Am I afraid? Afraid it will be fleeting and, like everything else, run through my fingers like water? Afraid to love my job, my house, my green Jeep, and my screened in porch only to enjoy brief success and then lose it all? Afraid the infamous five year “I’m bored with my job” gremlin will find me no matter where I hide? Losing something is scarier than never having it. Losing equates to failure, never having is just, I dunno, never having.
There are issues that come with success. Taxes spring to mind but I’d be happy to live with that misery. And then there’s other people always assuming you’ll pay for dinner, I do this to my brothers. Sorry guys, you make more money than me, someday I will pay for dinner. Money is such a strange beast. It is not the root of all evil, the love of money is the root of all evil. Enough money can make your life easy in at least some areas, though not all. Less than enough money can drive you to do things of which you never felt you would be capable. Too much money can also drive you to do things of which you never felt you would be capable. It’s like water . . . drown or dehydrate without just the right amount.
I have learned through my own series of financial fortunes and misfortunes that the laws of our country allow those who have the least amount to be made to suffer the most through punitive actions. If you have enough money, you get stuff free, if you do not have enough money you get a 19% interest rate. How does this make sense? Celebrities who make more money in a day than I will likely make in a decade get free goody baskets at Oscar parties that are worth thousands of dollars. THOUSANDS. And to my knowledge not one of them has ever refused this gift and said ”Uh, no thanks. I don’t know if you know or not but I’m fabulously wealthy and I don’t need free stuff. Howsabout you sell all this crap and donate the money to a homeless shelter and maybe feed some starving people, eh? Ever thought about that?” (My sincerest apologies to any celebrity who has actually turned the basket of expensive crap down, good on ya and I mean it.) Still, even wealthy people make financial mistakes. Buy one too many private islands on credit and you too could feel my no sushi on a Friday pain and the 19% interest rate.
I want to go so many places. I want to do so many things and I feel so confined by income. There are choices. There are indeed choices. I have lots of shoes . . . lots and lots of shoes. Perhaps I don’t need them all. (By the way most of them were purchased in a former phase of life with a very different set of financial circumstances. I have donated many pairs of shoes and no longer buy them with the frequency and flippancy of my former life.) I would like to have new towels. My towels are old and thin, but what a boring thing to buy . . . still, I need them. Need. I NEED new towels. Those that I own are not thread bare, they are just no longer as thirsty as they once were. Do I need new towels? I don’t buy new towels because they are boring. BORING! Red shoes are much more exciting. But I have red shoes and I know for sure I do not need them. And what of all the trips I dream of but so far have not managed to take? I do not get paid vacation. Saving for a trip means saving an entire extra paycheck to make up for what I will not get when I’m off work. And in the meantime, the student loan company wants their money back . . . bastards. I watch “Three Sheets” because it’s funny and because it takes me places I’d like to see. It’s a free vacation in my living room.
So, what is the point of this story? I’m not sure. Money isn’t bad? I wish I had the freedom that better income and a better vacation policy may afford me? I have red shoes? I enjoy sushi? I need towels? Towels are boring unless you’re hitchhiking around the galaxy? Get it? Who gets it? C’mon, it’s funny if you get it.
I see people taking trips and making purchases that are put entirely on charge cards. Sometimes I think I will just throw caution to the wind and charge things too, but I can’t. I just can’t. I have been in credit card debt more than twice and have clawed my way out of it. I don’t charge things. I also haven’t seen Ireland, Belgium, Croatia, Chile, I don’t have those black boots I’ve been eyeballing, and it’s been ages since I’ve seen the inside of a sushi bar, but I will not charge any of these things.
I want to see change in my life and luckily, I have the power to initiate that change. I want to see Belgium, I want to eat sushi, I want totally unnecessary black boots, and I want new towels. I will have them all someday because vacations and towels and boots are not evil. They are rewards for a vision imagined and put into action, a job well done. There’s no shame in success and your friends will not hate it when you become successful.
I know this because I see all my friends successes, both financial and non-financial, and I delight in every one of their achievements, as I know they will delight in mine when my far off ship comes in.
Styx
Our friend, Morrissey, claims we hate it when our friends become successful. Do we really? Hate is a strong word.
I look around, I see the lives of others, and I judge myself. Everyone else seems to have it together while I do more than just stagnate, I actually fall behind. It seems as though my friends all make more money than I do, they have better jobs, they buy houses and drive nicer cars, they are in better physical shape, they go on lots of great vacations, they do more exciting things on the weekends, and I wonder how much did you pay for your bad Moto Guzzi? These things all make me feel inadequate.
You may be thinking “Life is full of choices and you can choose to do exciting things on the weekend as well.” I can’t do all the things they do and go all the places they go and drive their cars and live in their homes because I don’t make the money they make so phhhhlllbbttttt to that. And while money is not everything, it’s fairly important when it’s time to pay the bills. Living a life of high ideals and low overhead is great, but the phone company couldn’t care less. When I start feeling this complain-y and yuck-y and whine-y I try to remember the power of positive thought. It is said in more than two places that positive thought brings positive things into your life. That’s the general idea, I’m not quoting. But really, from “The Secret” to the Bible we are told to keep our collective chins up. I believe this, but I’m wondering about the time frame, c’mon already, I’m in my fourth decade of life here, can I get a break already? And the times when I mentally falter . . . when I just can’t look inward because I’m too caught up in looking out at everyone else, ugh . . . I feel like a failure. Sometimes these momentary lapses of sunny thinking can be cleared up by yoga, a walk outside, chocolate almond milk, or a little extra Progesterone Cream, but other times there are not enough non-dairy ginger snaps in the world to keep me from sinking further into my self induced abyss of pity.
But, Morrissey, I also see my friends successes as beacons in my dark nights of failure. I take delight in their achievements because I love my friends, I have no wish to see them fail, and I don’t want them to lose all they have gained, I would just like to have a slice of the pie too. If they can do it, I can too, I just haven’t found my way yet. Will I ever? Typically I feel I have found my way to “gainful employment nirvana” about every five years, and then the love affair ends. The world isn’t the same as it was just a few decades ago. My father worked for the same company most of his adult life, as did most fathers back then. But now we are free to switch companies and careers whenever we feel the urge. It’s great and at times I have loved the freedom and flexibility of my life, at other times it is quite sobering to feel I have no path, just aimless meanderings. I change my mind a lot. I change my mind about what to wear, where to work, what to do for a living, what creative outlet I will indulge in this year, and what my favorite color may be today. I’d like to say I’m constantly reinventing myself but the truth is, I just get distracted by shiny things in the sand. Is that why I’m in this place in my life now? And is it really so bad? I’ve done a lot of different things from radio to mortgage to massage therapy. I’m a renaissance woman.
That is not true, I’m just flighty.
But the same question remains, is that so bad?
Thinking back to the days after my divorce I recall a somewhat snobbish vision of myself I have carried as being poor but happy. “I don’t need money, I am above such trite weaknesses of human nature. I only need my soul, my soulmate, and my Great Divine.” What drivel. It’s such a romantic notion though, an old clapboard house, boiling hot on a Sunday night in summer, a fly strip that needs to be retired, and me sitting on my porch swing, barefoot, plucking at my guitar and singing softly. (I can’t even play my guitar, I just keep saying I’ll learn some day.) And yet, I can’t help but say I like the whole image. The image, however, doesn’t account for the difficulty of Monday morning when I have to get back to real life. Or Friday night when the rest of the world says “Let’s go out for sushi” and I can’t afford it. There is no dignity in being broke and I don’t care how high I hold my chin with indignation at the capitalist greed of sushi eaters, I want to go with them and I want to wear something a little bit nicer than overalls and a babushka. Righteous indignation is not all it’s cracked up to be. The sushi eaters of the world will not say “Oh gosh, we are terrible people and we too will give up all our worldly goods and live off raisins, nuts, and love.” They will roll their eyeballs, say “Oh go live in an ashram” and trot off leaving me to eat my ramen noodles in peace, love, and self righteousness. Awesome.
Trouble is, I have an easier time seeing this vision, or rather believing this vision, than I do of the vision of myself as successful. I have a vision of success that includes a great house, a green Jeep, a lucrative writing career, and a screened in back porch so I can write outside when it rains and Lucy and Delilah, my faithful furry felines, can go “outside”. Why does this one seem unattainable? Silly even? More of a pipedream than something I can truly have? I’m on to something here. Apparently I lack faith in myself. Why? I’m intelligent, I can be very driven when I’m very interested, and I believe I possess at least a modicum of talent. Am I afraid? Afraid it will be fleeting and, like everything else, run through my fingers like water? Afraid to love my job, my house, my green Jeep, and my screened in porch only to enjoy brief success and then lose it all? Afraid the infamous five year “I’m bored with my job” gremlin will find me no matter where I hide? Losing something is scarier than never having it. Losing equates to failure, never having is just, I dunno, never having.
There are issues that come with success. Taxes spring to mind but I’d be happy to live with that misery. And then there’s other people always assuming you’ll pay for dinner, I do this to my brothers. Sorry guys, you make more money than me, someday I will pay for dinner. Money is such a strange beast. It is not the root of all evil, the love of money is the root of all evil. Enough money can make your life easy in at least some areas, though not all. Less than enough money can drive you to do things of which you never felt you would be capable. Too much money can also drive you to do things of which you never felt you would be capable. It’s like water . . . drown or dehydrate without just the right amount.
I have learned through my own series of financial fortunes and misfortunes that the laws of our country allow those who have the least amount to be made to suffer the most through punitive actions. If you have enough money, you get stuff free, if you do not have enough money you get a 19% interest rate. How does this make sense? Celebrities who make more money in a day than I will likely make in a decade get free goody baskets at Oscar parties that are worth thousands of dollars. THOUSANDS. And to my knowledge not one of them has ever refused this gift and said ”Uh, no thanks. I don’t know if you know or not but I’m fabulously wealthy and I don’t need free stuff. Howsabout you sell all this crap and donate the money to a homeless shelter and maybe feed some starving people, eh? Ever thought about that?” (My sincerest apologies to any celebrity who has actually turned the basket of expensive crap down, good on ya and I mean it.) Still, even wealthy people make financial mistakes. Buy one too many private islands on credit and you too could feel my no sushi on a Friday pain and the 19% interest rate.
I want to go so many places. I want to do so many things and I feel so confined by income. There are choices. There are indeed choices. I have lots of shoes . . . lots and lots of shoes. Perhaps I don’t need them all. (By the way most of them were purchased in a former phase of life with a very different set of financial circumstances. I have donated many pairs of shoes and no longer buy them with the frequency and flippancy of my former life.) I would like to have new towels. My towels are old and thin, but what a boring thing to buy . . . still, I need them. Need. I NEED new towels. Those that I own are not thread bare, they are just no longer as thirsty as they once were. Do I need new towels? I don’t buy new towels because they are boring. BORING! Red shoes are much more exciting. But I have red shoes and I know for sure I do not need them. And what of all the trips I dream of but so far have not managed to take? I do not get paid vacation. Saving for a trip means saving an entire extra paycheck to make up for what I will not get when I’m off work. And in the meantime, the student loan company wants their money back . . . bastards. I watch “Three Sheets” because it’s funny and because it takes me places I’d like to see. It’s a free vacation in my living room.
So, what is the point of this story? I’m not sure. Money isn’t bad? I wish I had the freedom that better income and a better vacation policy may afford me? I have red shoes? I enjoy sushi? I need towels? Towels are boring unless you’re hitchhiking around the galaxy? Get it? Who gets it? C’mon, it’s funny if you get it.
I see people taking trips and making purchases that are put entirely on charge cards. Sometimes I think I will just throw caution to the wind and charge things too, but I can’t. I just can’t. I have been in credit card debt more than twice and have clawed my way out of it. I don’t charge things. I also haven’t seen Ireland, Belgium, Croatia, Chile, I don’t have those black boots I’ve been eyeballing, and it’s been ages since I’ve seen the inside of a sushi bar, but I will not charge any of these things.
I want to see change in my life and luckily, I have the power to initiate that change. I want to see Belgium, I want to eat sushi, I want totally unnecessary black boots, and I want new towels. I will have them all someday because vacations and towels and boots are not evil. They are rewards for a vision imagined and put into action, a job well done. There’s no shame in success and your friends will not hate it when you become successful.
I know this because I see all my friends successes, both financial and non-financial, and I delight in every one of their achievements, as I know they will delight in mine when my far off ship comes in.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
The Raggle Taggle Gypsies
O what care I for my house and my lands,
What care I for treasure-O,
What care I for my newly-wedded lord,
For I'm off with the Raggle Taggle Gypsies-O.
I am starting to believe we have a deeply rooted sense of our selves very early on. Hopefully our families help us foster that sense of self. This isn’t always the case but this story is not about picking on families. Parents do what they think is best and as you get older if you find it didn’t work, well, grow up, quit blaming them and get on with your life your way.
Personal evolution involves expanding our social circles beyond family and trying on different personalities. We need to feel different feels and smell different smells and hear different hears. As the years pass we eventually reach a point when we’re comfortable with ourselves and we care less about what others say, including our well meaning families, but during the process of evolution we do care what others say and we are not always sure footed enough to stand our ground when we think “I feel like I want to run off to Rome and paint but the world says I should go to college and get married.” Here in America we do not value the eccentric so much. People who don’t follow the norm are sometimes characterized as drunk, drug addicted, shiftless, lazy, irresponsible ne’er do wells. Even those who become successful are not always welcomed in polite society. Keith Richards is great on stage, but would you invite him to Sunday dinner? If you answered “yes” this story is for, and more than likely about, you. If your answer is an unequivocal “no”, read on anyway so you can learn about the raggle taggle gypsies that may be in your life.
When I was a little girl in Midland, Texas we had an enormous console stereo in the living room. Stereos back then were pieces of furniture. My dad had lots of records and I learned to love listening to music very early. It rubbed off on all of us. I feel I have fairly eclectic taste which I attribute to a large family living in a small house. My brothers, my sister, and my dad all had their music choices and I listened to all of them. There were five kids, two parents, and any number of dogs and cats at any time in a three bedroom house. We shared bedrooms, we shared one phone number, we shared dinner time as a family with the television off, and we shared the stereo . . . sort of. I had a pink record player in the room I shared with my sister and I believe the boys had a record player in their room, but if you wanted the good sound you had to go in the living room with the monolith that played in hi fi. You could stack about 57 records on it, they’d all drop one by one, when they finished you’d turn the whole stack over. My brothers introduced me to The Kinks, The Beatles, The Beach Boys, and some 60’s folk sounds at a young age and it stuck. My dad liked country music, he liked some gospel, and he liked hootenanny. I loved dancing around the living room standing on my daddy’s feet. There is a traditional folk song called “The Raggle Taggle Gypsies”. In this song a woman has a lovely house, fine clothes, and a new husband. One night the raggle taggle gypsies come singing at her door and she spontaneously, almost blithely, gives up all her finery and security to run off with the gypsies. I loved that song and I loved my vision of the woman who runs away with the gypsies, raven haired with a mischievous grin.
I remember as a very little girl being so intrigued by her fire and her love of excitement over comfort. I thought “I’ll probably do that someday. That sounds like something I’ll do when I grow up.” As an adult I told this story to the Black Dogs Dad, his response was “and that’s what you did.”
And that’s what I did.
I didn’t realize it until many years after I was divorced but it was. My ex husband is an exceptionally nice man and he deserved someone better for him than me. I’m glad to report he has found her. When I was young I had no idea who I was and I looked to him to “save” me and define me. Thank you Steve for all that you put up with then. Under the guise of being a “Mrs. So and So” I didn’t have to discover Laura Ellen as an individual. But did I already know who I was and wish I was someone else? Was I destined to bring Juliette Binoche’s “Chocolat” character to life? Do we already know who we are but not know how to be who we are?
As I mentioned earlier, often times our well meaning families veer us off the path of “whom we are meant to be” and on to the path of “whom we would like you to be in order to save us all embarrassment should you decide to become someone unsavory”. Parents are happy when their children show an appreciation, even an aptitude for the arts, but rarely is it encouraged as a path to follow except as a hobby. Parents can be so afraid of their children being hurt that they fence them in and discourage the fine art of flying high. DO NOT GO UP THERE WHERE THE AIR IS CLEAR AND YOU CAN SEE FOR MILES! STAY DOWN HERE WHERE ALL IS MYOPIC AND BEIGE AND SAFE!!! It is with the best intentions, but the fear is then passed on and thus we have a covenant controlled nation of fearful folks living in matching houses painted varying shades of pantyhose colors . . . taupe, ecru, sand. If you’re feeling like the off white sheep in your suburban neighborhood maybe you could paint your shutters olive, you crazy wing nut you.
The world needs all kinds of people and I mean no disrespect to the life choices people make. It’s great that some people have an affinity for numbers and want to make lists of numbers in rows and columns that match up and balance. If people like me were left to fulfill tasks involving numbers the current recession would be much more akin to a downward spiral of all industrial civilizations. It’s great that there are those who enjoy following the rules and coloring within the lines. You all help keep the goofy people in the world stay grounded and remind us to pay our bills, put gas in our cars, and wear pants when leaving the confines of home.
BUT, the world needs the goofy, color outside the lines, pants forgetting people too. All the freaky people make the beauty of the world. Where would modern medicine be if Leonardo DaVinci had not been curious enough to cut open cadavers? What if Copernicus just said “Sure, we’re at the center of the universe, it’s all about Earth”? What if Columbus hadn’t tried to sail to the end of the flat earth and what if all the members of The Clash had just gotten factory jobs and never recorded “London Calling”? Who wants to live in that panty hose colored world?
In the years that have gone by I have tried on lots and lots of prototypes trying to find who I am, who I am meant to be, and who I want to be. I have tried to fit in and do what the rest of the world deems comfortable and socially acceptable, I have rubberbanded in the opposite direction and tried to be much more of a rebel than I really am. We try on these ill fitting personalities because we are looking outward at others and are concerned with how they see us. I believe I am finally on to something with who I am, because I am looking inward at me, and because I am old enough to not be as concerned with what others think. I know that as far back as I can remember, I knew I was an unconventional girl. I knew I was fascinated by those that leave the finery and security of home to run off and live a freer life with the raggle taggle gypsies. I knew I liked skirts that twirl out when you spin around and big dangly earrings. I know that in the country of Laura Ellen childlike glee abounds. I know that in that childlike country I can be hurt and rather than saying “That hurts” I will often act like a petulant child and say something snotty. I have also learned from others who have visited my country that it is ok to say “That hurt me”.
Do we ever know who we are? Do we always know who we are? Is it a constant process or do we make some grand discovery of deep inner identity and then plateau into the peace of self knowledge, and if so, is the plateau the end of the journey? I like the idea of constantly changing, evolving and growing. I think it’s a must and at the same time, we must honor the core of ourselves. Our core spirit helps us to maintain some relationships, to know when to let others go, when to question people and when to question ourselves. To know who you are and what is right for you is to know your world and be able to share it lovingly, as well knowing when it is being improperly invaded and you must advise others to not tread on you.
Learn to love you and know where you can bend and where you must remain adamant and, as Shakespeare so poignantly said . . . TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.
What care I for treasure-O,
What care I for my newly-wedded lord,
For I'm off with the Raggle Taggle Gypsies-O.
I am starting to believe we have a deeply rooted sense of our selves very early on. Hopefully our families help us foster that sense of self. This isn’t always the case but this story is not about picking on families. Parents do what they think is best and as you get older if you find it didn’t work, well, grow up, quit blaming them and get on with your life your way.
Personal evolution involves expanding our social circles beyond family and trying on different personalities. We need to feel different feels and smell different smells and hear different hears. As the years pass we eventually reach a point when we’re comfortable with ourselves and we care less about what others say, including our well meaning families, but during the process of evolution we do care what others say and we are not always sure footed enough to stand our ground when we think “I feel like I want to run off to Rome and paint but the world says I should go to college and get married.” Here in America we do not value the eccentric so much. People who don’t follow the norm are sometimes characterized as drunk, drug addicted, shiftless, lazy, irresponsible ne’er do wells. Even those who become successful are not always welcomed in polite society. Keith Richards is great on stage, but would you invite him to Sunday dinner? If you answered “yes” this story is for, and more than likely about, you. If your answer is an unequivocal “no”, read on anyway so you can learn about the raggle taggle gypsies that may be in your life.
When I was a little girl in Midland, Texas we had an enormous console stereo in the living room. Stereos back then were pieces of furniture. My dad had lots of records and I learned to love listening to music very early. It rubbed off on all of us. I feel I have fairly eclectic taste which I attribute to a large family living in a small house. My brothers, my sister, and my dad all had their music choices and I listened to all of them. There were five kids, two parents, and any number of dogs and cats at any time in a three bedroom house. We shared bedrooms, we shared one phone number, we shared dinner time as a family with the television off, and we shared the stereo . . . sort of. I had a pink record player in the room I shared with my sister and I believe the boys had a record player in their room, but if you wanted the good sound you had to go in the living room with the monolith that played in hi fi. You could stack about 57 records on it, they’d all drop one by one, when they finished you’d turn the whole stack over. My brothers introduced me to The Kinks, The Beatles, The Beach Boys, and some 60’s folk sounds at a young age and it stuck. My dad liked country music, he liked some gospel, and he liked hootenanny. I loved dancing around the living room standing on my daddy’s feet. There is a traditional folk song called “The Raggle Taggle Gypsies”. In this song a woman has a lovely house, fine clothes, and a new husband. One night the raggle taggle gypsies come singing at her door and she spontaneously, almost blithely, gives up all her finery and security to run off with the gypsies. I loved that song and I loved my vision of the woman who runs away with the gypsies, raven haired with a mischievous grin.
I remember as a very little girl being so intrigued by her fire and her love of excitement over comfort. I thought “I’ll probably do that someday. That sounds like something I’ll do when I grow up.” As an adult I told this story to the Black Dogs Dad, his response was “and that’s what you did.”
And that’s what I did.
I didn’t realize it until many years after I was divorced but it was. My ex husband is an exceptionally nice man and he deserved someone better for him than me. I’m glad to report he has found her. When I was young I had no idea who I was and I looked to him to “save” me and define me. Thank you Steve for all that you put up with then. Under the guise of being a “Mrs. So and So” I didn’t have to discover Laura Ellen as an individual. But did I already know who I was and wish I was someone else? Was I destined to bring Juliette Binoche’s “Chocolat” character to life? Do we already know who we are but not know how to be who we are?
As I mentioned earlier, often times our well meaning families veer us off the path of “whom we are meant to be” and on to the path of “whom we would like you to be in order to save us all embarrassment should you decide to become someone unsavory”. Parents are happy when their children show an appreciation, even an aptitude for the arts, but rarely is it encouraged as a path to follow except as a hobby. Parents can be so afraid of their children being hurt that they fence them in and discourage the fine art of flying high. DO NOT GO UP THERE WHERE THE AIR IS CLEAR AND YOU CAN SEE FOR MILES! STAY DOWN HERE WHERE ALL IS MYOPIC AND BEIGE AND SAFE!!! It is with the best intentions, but the fear is then passed on and thus we have a covenant controlled nation of fearful folks living in matching houses painted varying shades of pantyhose colors . . . taupe, ecru, sand. If you’re feeling like the off white sheep in your suburban neighborhood maybe you could paint your shutters olive, you crazy wing nut you.
The world needs all kinds of people and I mean no disrespect to the life choices people make. It’s great that some people have an affinity for numbers and want to make lists of numbers in rows and columns that match up and balance. If people like me were left to fulfill tasks involving numbers the current recession would be much more akin to a downward spiral of all industrial civilizations. It’s great that there are those who enjoy following the rules and coloring within the lines. You all help keep the goofy people in the world stay grounded and remind us to pay our bills, put gas in our cars, and wear pants when leaving the confines of home.
BUT, the world needs the goofy, color outside the lines, pants forgetting people too. All the freaky people make the beauty of the world. Where would modern medicine be if Leonardo DaVinci had not been curious enough to cut open cadavers? What if Copernicus just said “Sure, we’re at the center of the universe, it’s all about Earth”? What if Columbus hadn’t tried to sail to the end of the flat earth and what if all the members of The Clash had just gotten factory jobs and never recorded “London Calling”? Who wants to live in that panty hose colored world?
In the years that have gone by I have tried on lots and lots of prototypes trying to find who I am, who I am meant to be, and who I want to be. I have tried to fit in and do what the rest of the world deems comfortable and socially acceptable, I have rubberbanded in the opposite direction and tried to be much more of a rebel than I really am. We try on these ill fitting personalities because we are looking outward at others and are concerned with how they see us. I believe I am finally on to something with who I am, because I am looking inward at me, and because I am old enough to not be as concerned with what others think. I know that as far back as I can remember, I knew I was an unconventional girl. I knew I was fascinated by those that leave the finery and security of home to run off and live a freer life with the raggle taggle gypsies. I knew I liked skirts that twirl out when you spin around and big dangly earrings. I know that in the country of Laura Ellen childlike glee abounds. I know that in that childlike country I can be hurt and rather than saying “That hurts” I will often act like a petulant child and say something snotty. I have also learned from others who have visited my country that it is ok to say “That hurt me”.
Do we ever know who we are? Do we always know who we are? Is it a constant process or do we make some grand discovery of deep inner identity and then plateau into the peace of self knowledge, and if so, is the plateau the end of the journey? I like the idea of constantly changing, evolving and growing. I think it’s a must and at the same time, we must honor the core of ourselves. Our core spirit helps us to maintain some relationships, to know when to let others go, when to question people and when to question ourselves. To know who you are and what is right for you is to know your world and be able to share it lovingly, as well knowing when it is being improperly invaded and you must advise others to not tread on you.
Learn to love you and know where you can bend and where you must remain adamant and, as Shakespeare so poignantly said . . . TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Black Dogs Dad
“Oh will you never let me be? Oh will you never set me free? The ties that bound us are still around us, there´s no escape that I can see, and still those little things remain, that bring me happiness or pain . . . These foolish things remind me of you”
Jack Strachey
Friendships change, it happens . . . it’s still such a bummer though. Ending a dating relationship is painful, but not always an enormous surprise, you’re either going to spend the rest of your earthly lives together or you’re going to break up. Families are great but you don’t hand pick them, they’re foisted on you and you love them with no rhyme, reason, or explanation. Friends though . . . friends are people you choose to be with . . . on purpose, so a faded friendship carries its own special sting.
Right now you must be thinking “Laura Ellen, you seem so jovial and delightful, who wouldn’t want you as a friend?” I agree but man oh man some people really do find ways of living their lives without me. Some friendships just sort of drift off and naturally filter themselves down until you become Christmas card friends. That’s all right, people’s lives and priorities change and Christmas card friends are still friends per se. Other friendships though, come to an end abruptly and sometimes with a final kick in the backside on the way out.
Today I took my inner child, Ruby Grace, out for a walk in the rain snow mix and we tromped and splashed through every puddle we could find. On our walk we passed the snow filled court yard up the street and around the corner where Black Dog likes to play. Black Dog used to stay at my house when Black Dogs dad would go out of town. I liked loading Black Dog up in the car and driving up to the foothills to play in the “good” dog park, but if we just needed a quick walk and a little quality ball throwing and chasing time we would walk over to the courtyard. Back then the house was full with me, my inner child (Ruby Grace), my inner shrew (Lola), two cats (Lucy Lulu and Delilah Jane), and Black Dog . . . but not anymore.
My friendship with Black Dogs dad has changed. It’s best I suppose, but it has it’s painful moments. It’s weird, isn’t it . . . how sometimes it can be better for something to go away because it was so painful and yet you’re still pained by its absence? There are reasons for friendships to change, fade, and even end. You can remember all the bad things and all the times you thought “what am I doing here?!” And what were you doing there? You were probably having a good time, at least part of the time. We don’t invite people into our lives because they never, ever make us happy. I like people that aid and abet my happiness. With Black Dogs dad it was his inner child I grew to love most. When Black Dogs dad is happy his eyes twinkle and I mean it, really. I’m not using a goofy phrase, his eyes really twinkle. His inner child doesn’t surface often so when he’s let out he really shines. It’s the most beautiful part of him. Black Dogs dad’s inner child is creative, playful, introspective, meticulous, loveable, loving, mischievous, and at times flat out silly. I love Black Dogs dad’s inner child. My inner child, Ruby Grace, loves Black Dogs dad’s inner child. The adults though, Black Dogs dad and me myself and I, often got in the way of our friendship.
As I write this it dawns on me that maybe that’s how it is with most relationships gone awry. We are all taught to abandon our inner child, our creative selves that love finger painting, that see beauty and fractals where others see a mess. Somehow as adults we’ve come to believe that seeing life, and people, with childlike wonder is inappropriate and should be left behind as we age, and age us it will.
It seems backwards to me. In our adult lives we don’t seem to love as well as we could, we’re too busy being adults. As adults we need to pay bills on time, show up to work on time, learn boundaries, honor our commitments, the list goes on. These things are all true and I am not condoning childish behavior. Childish is not childlike. Our adult selves are always trying to make sure someone doesn’t get the best of us, doesn’t make a fool of us, doesn’t draw us in only to hurt us. If we don’t want someone to get the best of us then hats off to everyone, no one will ever get the best of what’s in us if we don’t show it. What if someone does hurt you? Well, it hurts, but you’ll survive and go on to try again.
I look back at the playful times with Black Dogs dad, times when his inner child surfaced. There were all the concerts we went to together and danced like maniacs from the first note to the last, the times we took Black Dog to the park, going to soccer games, and playing Guitar Hero. Black Dogs dad can do an almost perfect impersonation of me. Black Dogs dad can make up great stories with goofy characters and voices right on the spot. Black Dogs dad can make me laugh until I snort. Black Dogs dad is a gifted painter. When Black Dogs dad plays his guitar he has a very particular smile that is not seen at any other time. His inner child doesn’t just come out then, his inner child races to the surface and fills the room with unbridled happiness. All these great play dates our inner children had together; I can mentally splice them together so the movie that plays in my head seems like it was all ice cream cones and carousel rides . . . but it wasn’t.
The adult side of this story can be painful and the memories are not a misty, melancholy movie set with Bryan Ferry singing “These Foolish Things” in the background. The adult side of me reads over the last paragraph and wonders “Was it ever real? Did I see more than was really there?” The adult part of me and Lola, my inner shrew, have to sometimes remind Ruby Grace, the sweet inner child, that we all shared some extremely painful moments in this friendship with Black Dogs dad. Lola screamed in anger and Ruby Grace curled up and cried. And Ruby Grace, loving and forgiving, twinkle eyed child that she is, reminds Lola and me that we loved him.
What if our adult sides had given way to our inner children more often? What if we had both agreed to open up our skins and be careful with each other and kind to each other and let the gleeful parts of ourselves out and not worry so much about how the other one may or may not hurt us? Our adults often acted so childish and not childlike. What if we had spent more time enjoying the essence of each other, and our own selves, rather than trying to outdo each other? What if we had listened better and more often rather than just biting our tongues, waiting our turn to speak because “Hey, I’ve got something really cool to say so hurry up and finish whatever unimportant thing you’re saying, to which I am not really listening”?
I don’t know the answers to all the “what if’s” because life goes the way it’s supposed to. I really believe that so I accept that our friendship had to ebb. I wonder sometimes if our friendship will flow again. Likely it will, it’s part of our history, but will it ever be the same? Probably not, but it probably shouldn’t be. In order for any relationship to survive it has to endure change. Not everyone comes into your life to stay. Even the closest of friends, someone you thought would always be around, has to go sometimes. New friends and new relationships come into our lives and their necessity eclipses what came before. It’s not wrong, it’s the changing of the seasons. They’re all beautiful, but only in their time.
As with some of the most celebrated art work ever created, sometimes you gotta take a few steps back to recognize life is a fractal and to see the beauty of the entire finger painting.
POST SCRIPT: This story was written quite some time ago and it has seen countless revisions based on my feelings, my relationship status, Black Dogs dads relationship status, phases of the moon, what shoes I’m wearing, the price of a gallon of crude, beer, and anything else I have deemed important at any moment in time. What does not change is the importance of the Black Dog, his dad, and the affect they have had on my life. I love them both . . . even when I feel like strangling Black Dogs Dad.
Jack Strachey
Friendships change, it happens . . . it’s still such a bummer though. Ending a dating relationship is painful, but not always an enormous surprise, you’re either going to spend the rest of your earthly lives together or you’re going to break up. Families are great but you don’t hand pick them, they’re foisted on you and you love them with no rhyme, reason, or explanation. Friends though . . . friends are people you choose to be with . . . on purpose, so a faded friendship carries its own special sting.
Right now you must be thinking “Laura Ellen, you seem so jovial and delightful, who wouldn’t want you as a friend?” I agree but man oh man some people really do find ways of living their lives without me. Some friendships just sort of drift off and naturally filter themselves down until you become Christmas card friends. That’s all right, people’s lives and priorities change and Christmas card friends are still friends per se. Other friendships though, come to an end abruptly and sometimes with a final kick in the backside on the way out.
Today I took my inner child, Ruby Grace, out for a walk in the rain snow mix and we tromped and splashed through every puddle we could find. On our walk we passed the snow filled court yard up the street and around the corner where Black Dog likes to play. Black Dog used to stay at my house when Black Dogs dad would go out of town. I liked loading Black Dog up in the car and driving up to the foothills to play in the “good” dog park, but if we just needed a quick walk and a little quality ball throwing and chasing time we would walk over to the courtyard. Back then the house was full with me, my inner child (Ruby Grace), my inner shrew (Lola), two cats (Lucy Lulu and Delilah Jane), and Black Dog . . . but not anymore.
My friendship with Black Dogs dad has changed. It’s best I suppose, but it has it’s painful moments. It’s weird, isn’t it . . . how sometimes it can be better for something to go away because it was so painful and yet you’re still pained by its absence? There are reasons for friendships to change, fade, and even end. You can remember all the bad things and all the times you thought “what am I doing here?!” And what were you doing there? You were probably having a good time, at least part of the time. We don’t invite people into our lives because they never, ever make us happy. I like people that aid and abet my happiness. With Black Dogs dad it was his inner child I grew to love most. When Black Dogs dad is happy his eyes twinkle and I mean it, really. I’m not using a goofy phrase, his eyes really twinkle. His inner child doesn’t surface often so when he’s let out he really shines. It’s the most beautiful part of him. Black Dogs dad’s inner child is creative, playful, introspective, meticulous, loveable, loving, mischievous, and at times flat out silly. I love Black Dogs dad’s inner child. My inner child, Ruby Grace, loves Black Dogs dad’s inner child. The adults though, Black Dogs dad and me myself and I, often got in the way of our friendship.
As I write this it dawns on me that maybe that’s how it is with most relationships gone awry. We are all taught to abandon our inner child, our creative selves that love finger painting, that see beauty and fractals where others see a mess. Somehow as adults we’ve come to believe that seeing life, and people, with childlike wonder is inappropriate and should be left behind as we age, and age us it will.
It seems backwards to me. In our adult lives we don’t seem to love as well as we could, we’re too busy being adults. As adults we need to pay bills on time, show up to work on time, learn boundaries, honor our commitments, the list goes on. These things are all true and I am not condoning childish behavior. Childish is not childlike. Our adult selves are always trying to make sure someone doesn’t get the best of us, doesn’t make a fool of us, doesn’t draw us in only to hurt us. If we don’t want someone to get the best of us then hats off to everyone, no one will ever get the best of what’s in us if we don’t show it. What if someone does hurt you? Well, it hurts, but you’ll survive and go on to try again.
I look back at the playful times with Black Dogs dad, times when his inner child surfaced. There were all the concerts we went to together and danced like maniacs from the first note to the last, the times we took Black Dog to the park, going to soccer games, and playing Guitar Hero. Black Dogs dad can do an almost perfect impersonation of me. Black Dogs dad can make up great stories with goofy characters and voices right on the spot. Black Dogs dad can make me laugh until I snort. Black Dogs dad is a gifted painter. When Black Dogs dad plays his guitar he has a very particular smile that is not seen at any other time. His inner child doesn’t just come out then, his inner child races to the surface and fills the room with unbridled happiness. All these great play dates our inner children had together; I can mentally splice them together so the movie that plays in my head seems like it was all ice cream cones and carousel rides . . . but it wasn’t.
The adult side of this story can be painful and the memories are not a misty, melancholy movie set with Bryan Ferry singing “These Foolish Things” in the background. The adult side of me reads over the last paragraph and wonders “Was it ever real? Did I see more than was really there?” The adult part of me and Lola, my inner shrew, have to sometimes remind Ruby Grace, the sweet inner child, that we all shared some extremely painful moments in this friendship with Black Dogs dad. Lola screamed in anger and Ruby Grace curled up and cried. And Ruby Grace, loving and forgiving, twinkle eyed child that she is, reminds Lola and me that we loved him.
What if our adult sides had given way to our inner children more often? What if we had both agreed to open up our skins and be careful with each other and kind to each other and let the gleeful parts of ourselves out and not worry so much about how the other one may or may not hurt us? Our adults often acted so childish and not childlike. What if we had spent more time enjoying the essence of each other, and our own selves, rather than trying to outdo each other? What if we had listened better and more often rather than just biting our tongues, waiting our turn to speak because “Hey, I’ve got something really cool to say so hurry up and finish whatever unimportant thing you’re saying, to which I am not really listening”?
I don’t know the answers to all the “what if’s” because life goes the way it’s supposed to. I really believe that so I accept that our friendship had to ebb. I wonder sometimes if our friendship will flow again. Likely it will, it’s part of our history, but will it ever be the same? Probably not, but it probably shouldn’t be. In order for any relationship to survive it has to endure change. Not everyone comes into your life to stay. Even the closest of friends, someone you thought would always be around, has to go sometimes. New friends and new relationships come into our lives and their necessity eclipses what came before. It’s not wrong, it’s the changing of the seasons. They’re all beautiful, but only in their time.
As with some of the most celebrated art work ever created, sometimes you gotta take a few steps back to recognize life is a fractal and to see the beauty of the entire finger painting.
POST SCRIPT: This story was written quite some time ago and it has seen countless revisions based on my feelings, my relationship status, Black Dogs dads relationship status, phases of the moon, what shoes I’m wearing, the price of a gallon of crude, beer, and anything else I have deemed important at any moment in time. What does not change is the importance of the Black Dog, his dad, and the affect they have had on my life. I love them both . . . even when I feel like strangling Black Dogs Dad.
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