When I hear that robin sing, well I know it's comin' on Spring, and oooo-eeeee we're starting a new life. I've been shoveling that snow away, working for my pay and all I've got to say is we're starting a new life.
-Van Morrison
Life is full of great things; skittles, puppies, pretty much anything that's orange, and salsa music. A couple of weeks ago in my Toastmasters group we talked about ending up on accidental adventures and turning lemons into lemonade. People shared some very funny and very inspiring stories, and even though all the events started as a big pain in the backside, everyone dealt with their lemons, figured a way to work through the lemons and ended up smiling. Life is funny and awkward sometimes, but mostly it's pretty awesome.
So awesome, in fact, that I'm struggling this month to keep my mind on writing and my brain focused. The inside of my head is almost always like a bucket of forks, but right now in particular, I don't have much to say. I just want to smile, pat children on the head, read books, share good times with my friends, go on long walks, and see super cool stuff at the museum. Most people who paint, draw, sculpt, write music, write poetry, write song lyrics, or create just about anything say that they have a wealth of things to draw from when life is rough, but then it's hard to conjure up anything when you're happy. It's true! If I just run around singing "everything is awesome" all the time, you're going to get sick of me . . . or are you? I love being around happy people. I know someone who is constantly saying how unhappy his relationship is, how he wants to do this or that, how he hasn't lived up to his potential, blah blah blah. What sticks in my craw about this is, he always just says it but never does anything about it. This makes me think he's either settling for less and just living his life out Eeyore style OR he really is pretty happy but for whatever reason just likes to be a sad sack. Either way, I felt bad for him when I first met him, but then as time passed and nothing changed, including his attitude, I got sick of hearing about it. It's ok to be sad, 100% ok, and it's ok to sit with that for a while, but if you're not making any moves whatsoever toward a brighter tomorrow, then you're just the boy who cried wolf, and that's boring. Plus, if you're constantly talking badly about your relationship but keeping it going then you're just a butthole.
Happy is a lot more fun. Happy opens your world up. Happy makes you smile at people and you notice how many people out there are also smiling, smiling at you and everyone else. Happy is motivating. Happy gets you up and out of bed and ready to spend a day among the living. Happy is allowing . . . allowing people in, allowing people to be who they are, allowing you to be who you are, happy is sharing and happy is about a billion times easier than being closed off. Again, and I can't stress this enough, sometimes closed off is necessary and it's ok, but if that's not your natural state then you know how hard it is to not be happy. You miss it, and people miss the real you, the happy you.
This month is short, and quite frankly not that interesting, but I'm too happy to be interesting! I love my new job, I love my new yoga studio, I love my friends and my cat and my car and ice cream and toastmasters and I have a crush and that's super fun and I love rain and snow and sunshine and . . .
EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Hairshirt
When I was born they looked at me and said what a smart boy, what a strong boy. And when you were born they looked at you and said what a smart girl, what a pretty girl. We've got these chains that hang around our necks, people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath. Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same, when temptation calls we just look away.
Barenaked Ladies
So last month we started with confidence and moved on to vulnerability, which is where we're starting today. Oh vulnerability, our tricky friend, our wonderful gift mistakenly disguised as weakness . . . and yet, the very epitome of strength, courage, and eventually confidence.
I talked before about hiding in the blanket fort of fear. It feels safe and comforting, small, warm, cozy. Small . . . really small, smaller still, and darker, closing in until eventually the warmth of your comfort has become a prison and you're clothed in a hairshirt of your own making. You become the agoraphobic neighbor staring out the window at the rest of world, fearful. Not so comforting now, eh?
Opening yourself up to vulnerability is not something people generally relish, but I urge you to think back on situations where you took a risk. Some went well. Some, not so much. But what of those that we label "not so much"? We name things as good, bad, ugly, pretty, smart, dumb, but those are all labels dependent on our own personal circumstance and idea of good and bad. I am astounded when people say they don't like peppermint patties, but apparently those people exist . . . I say good, they say bad, and the truth is neither, or both. And from more complex life situations we can learn a lot about things that make us both happy and sad, and the sad can end up being the greatest thing that happens to us, but if we are not open and vulnerable, how will we know? We'll just spend our existence wearing a hairshirt inside a self imposed prison with stunted growth.
I had a snowboarding incident a couple of weeks ago. I partially tore my MCL and I have some fluid on my knee resulting from meniscus injury. That, in and of itself, isn't very interesting BUT . . . some pretty great things came of that. I had to reach out to people for help. I had to make myself vulnerable. I couldn't get myself to the Dr's office on my own, I had to have help going to the grocery store, and shoveling my snowy walk. There was only one person who didn't respond to me when I asked for help, I was stunned and it hurt. You know what's awesome about it though . . . now I know, I know where that person stands in my life and that is a seriously great thing, so freeing. A chain around my neck to lose, an albatross to free, because I made myself vulnerable. My friends and neighbors gathered around with offers of rides, and crutches, and visits and every sort of help . . . and I took them up on it. I was vulnerable enough to say "Yes, I need help".
As I mentioned above, there is an aspect of freedom in vulnerability. You have no idea what will happen, you just keep yourself open to possibility, and it's so amazing what will come your way. You may have thought that you wanted something very specific, but if you keep yourself open and not getting bogged down in how things are supposed to look, even more amazing things will come your way. Let's think about "The Blind Side". You've seen this movie, right? Everyone has, if not, then I suggest it . . . make yourself vulnerable and try it. What if Sandra Bullock's character was dead set on having two white children that she birthed itself and nothing else at all, ever, that's it? But she wasn't, she was open to inviting someone else in her life and it expanded the joy of her family. There is so much beauty to be found in opening our ideas, or even better, letting go of them. An enormous black teenager from the worst side of town finding a home with a well to do, white family, whoda thunk it? And he was vulnerable enough to say yes, it took openness and courage and faith and vulnerability on everybody's part in that story.
I had a plan for the first 50 years of my life, a fairly rigid plan. My life now in no way, shape, form, or fleeting misty thought whispered on the wind resembles the plan I had. And now, now that I have no plan going forward, I am open to whatever may come my way, and I can't wait for the surprises. All the albatrosses have been freed to go hang around someone else's neck. No more hairshirt, no more prison of comfort because that prison strangled me. Open yourself to greatness to see what happens, and remember that it is all good - even when you reach out for help and get nothing back, it is good, because then you know, and you don't have to think about it ever again. The world is constantly conspiring to make you happy, so let go and let the world spin around you, stop trying to make it do what you want. Ignorance breeds fear, fear brings us shame and shame puts us on lock down. Give them all the finger, be vulnerable. Vulnerability breeds compassion and love for ourselves and others. So do it, you may tear a knee but it will heal, you may lose someone but if you do, did you ever really have them?
Open it up and let the world shine a little love on you!
Barenaked Ladies
So last month we started with confidence and moved on to vulnerability, which is where we're starting today. Oh vulnerability, our tricky friend, our wonderful gift mistakenly disguised as weakness . . . and yet, the very epitome of strength, courage, and eventually confidence.
I talked before about hiding in the blanket fort of fear. It feels safe and comforting, small, warm, cozy. Small . . . really small, smaller still, and darker, closing in until eventually the warmth of your comfort has become a prison and you're clothed in a hairshirt of your own making. You become the agoraphobic neighbor staring out the window at the rest of world, fearful. Not so comforting now, eh?
Opening yourself up to vulnerability is not something people generally relish, but I urge you to think back on situations where you took a risk. Some went well. Some, not so much. But what of those that we label "not so much"? We name things as good, bad, ugly, pretty, smart, dumb, but those are all labels dependent on our own personal circumstance and idea of good and bad. I am astounded when people say they don't like peppermint patties, but apparently those people exist . . . I say good, they say bad, and the truth is neither, or both. And from more complex life situations we can learn a lot about things that make us both happy and sad, and the sad can end up being the greatest thing that happens to us, but if we are not open and vulnerable, how will we know? We'll just spend our existence wearing a hairshirt inside a self imposed prison with stunted growth.
I had a snowboarding incident a couple of weeks ago. I partially tore my MCL and I have some fluid on my knee resulting from meniscus injury. That, in and of itself, isn't very interesting BUT . . . some pretty great things came of that. I had to reach out to people for help. I had to make myself vulnerable. I couldn't get myself to the Dr's office on my own, I had to have help going to the grocery store, and shoveling my snowy walk. There was only one person who didn't respond to me when I asked for help, I was stunned and it hurt. You know what's awesome about it though . . . now I know, I know where that person stands in my life and that is a seriously great thing, so freeing. A chain around my neck to lose, an albatross to free, because I made myself vulnerable. My friends and neighbors gathered around with offers of rides, and crutches, and visits and every sort of help . . . and I took them up on it. I was vulnerable enough to say "Yes, I need help".
As I mentioned above, there is an aspect of freedom in vulnerability. You have no idea what will happen, you just keep yourself open to possibility, and it's so amazing what will come your way. You may have thought that you wanted something very specific, but if you keep yourself open and not getting bogged down in how things are supposed to look, even more amazing things will come your way. Let's think about "The Blind Side". You've seen this movie, right? Everyone has, if not, then I suggest it . . . make yourself vulnerable and try it. What if Sandra Bullock's character was dead set on having two white children that she birthed itself and nothing else at all, ever, that's it? But she wasn't, she was open to inviting someone else in her life and it expanded the joy of her family. There is so much beauty to be found in opening our ideas, or even better, letting go of them. An enormous black teenager from the worst side of town finding a home with a well to do, white family, whoda thunk it? And he was vulnerable enough to say yes, it took openness and courage and faith and vulnerability on everybody's part in that story.
I had a plan for the first 50 years of my life, a fairly rigid plan. My life now in no way, shape, form, or fleeting misty thought whispered on the wind resembles the plan I had. And now, now that I have no plan going forward, I am open to whatever may come my way, and I can't wait for the surprises. All the albatrosses have been freed to go hang around someone else's neck. No more hairshirt, no more prison of comfort because that prison strangled me. Open yourself to greatness to see what happens, and remember that it is all good - even when you reach out for help and get nothing back, it is good, because then you know, and you don't have to think about it ever again. The world is constantly conspiring to make you happy, so let go and let the world spin around you, stop trying to make it do what you want. Ignorance breeds fear, fear brings us shame and shame puts us on lock down. Give them all the finger, be vulnerable. Vulnerability breeds compassion and love for ourselves and others. So do it, you may tear a knee but it will heal, you may lose someone but if you do, did you ever really have them?
Open it up and let the world shine a little love on you!
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Fear Is A Big Dummy
On we sweep with threshing oar, our only goal will be the western shore. So now you better stop and rebuild all your ruins, peace and trust can win the day despite of all your losing.
-Led F***ing Zeppelin
Boldly go where no man has gone before. Onward through the fog. Yea, though I walk through the valley of death. Buck up Buttercup.
Fear is a powerful thing. Fear isn't real, it's only a story we tell ourselves, but we are powerful creatures and our imaginations are strong. Fear is often cloaked and disguised as protection, fear is sinister and tricky like that. Fear has it's place at times, there is good reason to fear a rattlesnake all coiled up and eyeballing you. Should you encounter this . . . turn the f*** around and run. But I am, of course, talking about the fear in life that robs us of true joy. Fear is limiting, fear makes us live conditionally, fear says you are good enough for some things, but not others. Fear is an asshole. Let's imagine you know someone who does their best to tell you that you can only go so far, who tells you are not good enough for this or that so don't even try, who whispers in your ear what a failure you will be and how embarrassing it will be and then no one will like you and it would be so much better if you just settled for oatmeal raisin cookies because you can never hope to achieve or attain enough to warrant chocolate chip cookies? And who the hell EVER chooses oatmeal raisin over chocolate chip willingly? No one, not one single living soul. Anyway, let's say this is a real person, would you ever talk to that person again? Would you ever, ever say "Wow, you are a good friend for belittling me and enumerating all the ways in which I am not worthy. Thank you kind citizen!" Or would you tell that person to go straight to hell? The voice in your head that tells you you can't do something can go straight to hell, and we all must find the courage to stand up to that voice . . . and just like the cowardly lion, it's there, it's been there all along.
So as I mentioned before, fear can seem like a protective blanket. You can hide in your fort of fear made of blankets and peer out at the world and feel quite safe for a very long time. But what about when you see all the other kids having fun? What about all the other kids climbing trees and riding bikes? Oh but wait, that kid just fell out of the tree and broke his arm, that other kid tried to pop a wheelie on his bike and fell and now everyone is laughing. I can't do that, I may hurt myself, I may fall and people may laugh, I may be embarrassed. True enough, all true, and then where will you be? One day the broken arm will heal, one day the wheelie will be mastered with continued effort, and you will still be in your blanket fort of fear. Your warm blanket of protection ever growing into a relentless prison of stagnation. Oh I know, all too well I know. You think I'm just talking about all y'all and not me? Puhlease. We all have fears. Lorde has been quoted as saying she fears nothing. While I don't believe that to be true what I do believe is that she isn't paralyzed by fear. She doesn't allow herself to stay in one place for fear of what may happen in the next. No one is fearless, but doesn't that make the world so much more warm and welcoming? You're not the only one! I'm not the only one! And guess what friends and loved ones, we are all going to fail and to that I say, BIG DAMN DEAL.
People like to tell me they don't do yoga because they can't, they aren't flexible. Well no kidding, that's why you go. Spanish 101 isn't for people who speak fluent Spanish, it's for people who want to learn. Saying "I don't know how" and "I can't" are true, but do you want to learn? Do you want to try? Then try. I've had a couple of new opportunities and pathways come into my life in the past few months. My first reaction to every single one of those things was fear. You know what's so ridiculous? I had asked for every one of those things to come to my life. We are powerful creatures, if you ask for safety you will get it, but it may be at the cost of joy and passion. If you ask for joy and passion you will get it, and your first reaction may be fear. Sometimes I crack myself up, I ask for something new, I get it and the first thing I think is "eeek! I can't do that! I don't know how to do that!" Well no kidding Einstein, of course you don't know how to do it . . . yet, it's new. But you can, and if you resolve to do it, you will. Not flawlessly, not effortlessly, this isn't a Disney movie. There will be much flaw and effort and skinned knees and bruised ego but if this is what you want, work for it. Option 2: do not expand your view, do not try something that shakes you up, only do things that are safe and easy . . . stay exactly as you are, right now, for the rest of your days, learn nothing, experience nothing. Mmmmmmm, oatmeal raisin because chocolate chip is out of my league.
So fear, well it's f***ing scary, no doubt about it. I just joined Toastmasters and if I don't soil myself the first time I get up to speak I am going to consider that an enormous success. Now here comes the part no one wants to hear (like everything previous has been so heart warming), having courage takes vulnerability. YIKES! Who wants that?! Vulnerability, oh boy, it makes people shrink and shrivel. But I tell you this, being vulnerable and aiming for what you really want, what you really want and not just what you will settle for takes courage. Vulnerability takes bravery and stamina and fortitude beyond compare and that, my dear readers, is where we will go next month. For this month . . . go forth and conquer
-Led F***ing Zeppelin
Boldly go where no man has gone before. Onward through the fog. Yea, though I walk through the valley of death. Buck up Buttercup.
Fear is a powerful thing. Fear isn't real, it's only a story we tell ourselves, but we are powerful creatures and our imaginations are strong. Fear is often cloaked and disguised as protection, fear is sinister and tricky like that. Fear has it's place at times, there is good reason to fear a rattlesnake all coiled up and eyeballing you. Should you encounter this . . . turn the f*** around and run. But I am, of course, talking about the fear in life that robs us of true joy. Fear is limiting, fear makes us live conditionally, fear says you are good enough for some things, but not others. Fear is an asshole. Let's imagine you know someone who does their best to tell you that you can only go so far, who tells you are not good enough for this or that so don't even try, who whispers in your ear what a failure you will be and how embarrassing it will be and then no one will like you and it would be so much better if you just settled for oatmeal raisin cookies because you can never hope to achieve or attain enough to warrant chocolate chip cookies? And who the hell EVER chooses oatmeal raisin over chocolate chip willingly? No one, not one single living soul. Anyway, let's say this is a real person, would you ever talk to that person again? Would you ever, ever say "Wow, you are a good friend for belittling me and enumerating all the ways in which I am not worthy. Thank you kind citizen!" Or would you tell that person to go straight to hell? The voice in your head that tells you you can't do something can go straight to hell, and we all must find the courage to stand up to that voice . . . and just like the cowardly lion, it's there, it's been there all along.
So as I mentioned before, fear can seem like a protective blanket. You can hide in your fort of fear made of blankets and peer out at the world and feel quite safe for a very long time. But what about when you see all the other kids having fun? What about all the other kids climbing trees and riding bikes? Oh but wait, that kid just fell out of the tree and broke his arm, that other kid tried to pop a wheelie on his bike and fell and now everyone is laughing. I can't do that, I may hurt myself, I may fall and people may laugh, I may be embarrassed. True enough, all true, and then where will you be? One day the broken arm will heal, one day the wheelie will be mastered with continued effort, and you will still be in your blanket fort of fear. Your warm blanket of protection ever growing into a relentless prison of stagnation. Oh I know, all too well I know. You think I'm just talking about all y'all and not me? Puhlease. We all have fears. Lorde has been quoted as saying she fears nothing. While I don't believe that to be true what I do believe is that she isn't paralyzed by fear. She doesn't allow herself to stay in one place for fear of what may happen in the next. No one is fearless, but doesn't that make the world so much more warm and welcoming? You're not the only one! I'm not the only one! And guess what friends and loved ones, we are all going to fail and to that I say, BIG DAMN DEAL.
People like to tell me they don't do yoga because they can't, they aren't flexible. Well no kidding, that's why you go. Spanish 101 isn't for people who speak fluent Spanish, it's for people who want to learn. Saying "I don't know how" and "I can't" are true, but do you want to learn? Do you want to try? Then try. I've had a couple of new opportunities and pathways come into my life in the past few months. My first reaction to every single one of those things was fear. You know what's so ridiculous? I had asked for every one of those things to come to my life. We are powerful creatures, if you ask for safety you will get it, but it may be at the cost of joy and passion. If you ask for joy and passion you will get it, and your first reaction may be fear. Sometimes I crack myself up, I ask for something new, I get it and the first thing I think is "eeek! I can't do that! I don't know how to do that!" Well no kidding Einstein, of course you don't know how to do it . . . yet, it's new. But you can, and if you resolve to do it, you will. Not flawlessly, not effortlessly, this isn't a Disney movie. There will be much flaw and effort and skinned knees and bruised ego but if this is what you want, work for it. Option 2: do not expand your view, do not try something that shakes you up, only do things that are safe and easy . . . stay exactly as you are, right now, for the rest of your days, learn nothing, experience nothing. Mmmmmmm, oatmeal raisin because chocolate chip is out of my league.
So fear, well it's f***ing scary, no doubt about it. I just joined Toastmasters and if I don't soil myself the first time I get up to speak I am going to consider that an enormous success. Now here comes the part no one wants to hear (like everything previous has been so heart warming), having courage takes vulnerability. YIKES! Who wants that?! Vulnerability, oh boy, it makes people shrink and shrivel. But I tell you this, being vulnerable and aiming for what you really want, what you really want and not just what you will settle for takes courage. Vulnerability takes bravery and stamina and fortitude beyond compare and that, my dear readers, is where we will go next month. For this month . . . go forth and conquer
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Kismet
I have often walked down this street before, but the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before. All at once I'm several stories high knowing I'm on the street where you live.
-Alan Jay Lerner
So I had this month's blog all written and ready to go, just another read through to be sure, then post and watch Downton Abbey. It's a beautiful night outside here in Colorful Colorado so I went out for a walk and some fresh air, get a little time away from the blog, then re-read and see if I still like it. But then . . .
I ran into someone I know while I was out and it all changed.
Why do we see people at some points in our lives? Why do we run into people at the bus stop, on a walk, in a bar? In my neighborhood that's not really much of a question because I live in a very neighborhood-y 'hood. I see people I know all the time, but some more than others. Now, I should point out that when I saw this person I had rounded the corner from a circle I take often and was quite near my friends house so not really a mystery . . . but what are the odds? 100%. The odds are 100%, we see the people we are intended to see in that place and at that time, we just don't always know why. Sometimes there's no "why" at all. I saw my next door neighbor earlier today and he asked to borrow an egg, not an incident that I will ever think of again unless I am re-reading this post. But other times, times that give you a strong reaction, times that make you feel embarrassed or happy or sad or melancholy or angry . . . or all of those at once; "Oh my God I don't want to see him, do I jump in a bush?!" or "Oh holy crap! I am so happy to see you I want to run and jump up on you and kiss your whole face!". 'Tis a quandry at times.
A couple of years ago I saw a man I had dated many years before out to breakfast with his girlfriend. Any pain and animosity between he and I is long since gone and we are quite good friends, time heals all wounds. That said, I had never seen him with another woman and I had to check in with myself for a minute; "How do I feel about this? Am I ok?". Turns out I was ok, but I needed a minute to do a scan. No break up is easy, but at least when someone tells you "I just can't do it" and it turns out they really can't, then you can feel good about getting the truth and I believe this is why he and I are friends. The crazy thing about this story is, I live in Denver, he lives in Summit County, and we saw each other in Crested Butte. What are the odds? 100%. The odds are 100%, and he is still my dear friend, I love him more than ice cream . . . well, some flavors anyway.
You all know I write this stuff to make you laugh and to make you feel comforted if and when you do the same dumb shit I do. It takes some amount of vulnerability to share my crazy life and this past year, more than ever, I am learning the value of vulnerability. Being vulnerable relies on truth telling, not acting like you've always got it all together, not being the one-man band with the cymbals between my knees, trained monkey dancing on my shoulder, million dollar smile, every joke a winner, juggling fire, and an enormous bank account to boot. You can only keep that shit up for so long before all the fire sticks you've been juggling fall down around you and burn up all the old crap. Being vulnerable, telling the truth, and opening ones self up is scary . . . but if you are as blessed as I am you have a someone or two in your life that you can tell everything and they love you still, just as much, possibly more for being truthful and real. Real people are way more interesting than fire jugglers, and way more relatable.
More and more I have opened myself up to vulnerable situations and, whaddya know, more and more good stuff comes to me. It's the abandonment of fear . . . no, that's not right, it's the acceptance perhaps of fear. Stuff is gonna scare ya, so are you just going to hide forever? Not say how you you feel? Not spend time alone to find out who you are? Oddly, this is exactly what the blog I already wrote is about, so maybe we can just call this one part 1.
In this case, I can tell you why I saw this person (hellooooo vulnerable, I am about to share something private!). It's because I prayed/sent good vibes/mediated/whatever you like to call it, about this person JUST YESTERDAY. Yes, it's true, I did. I can't tell you more than that because then it's really private and gets into someone else's business and I am not at liberty to do such. You all know you're safe with me, none of your confidences show up here, nor will they ever. But I will take this semi public forum to admit that I thought of this person, and was then drawn in that direction, and then BAM! HELLO YOU ON THE STREET!
Why do we run into people? For fun sometimes, I ran into a friend in Moab a couple of years ago, how fun is that?! For a quick check in sometimes, I saw my friend on the 16th mall shuttle and I am NEVER on that thing. And other times, maybe there are bigger reasons; to let you know you are ok, to let you know you are not ok, to let you know you are loved, to let you know that there other things in the world for you but maybe they are on a different path. If you find a reason, then God love ya that's awesome, and if you can't, maybe it's nothing more than a neighbor borrowing an egg.
I love every last one of you.
-Alan Jay Lerner
So I had this month's blog all written and ready to go, just another read through to be sure, then post and watch Downton Abbey. It's a beautiful night outside here in Colorful Colorado so I went out for a walk and some fresh air, get a little time away from the blog, then re-read and see if I still like it. But then . . .
I ran into someone I know while I was out and it all changed.
Why do we see people at some points in our lives? Why do we run into people at the bus stop, on a walk, in a bar? In my neighborhood that's not really much of a question because I live in a very neighborhood-y 'hood. I see people I know all the time, but some more than others. Now, I should point out that when I saw this person I had rounded the corner from a circle I take often and was quite near my friends house so not really a mystery . . . but what are the odds? 100%. The odds are 100%, we see the people we are intended to see in that place and at that time, we just don't always know why. Sometimes there's no "why" at all. I saw my next door neighbor earlier today and he asked to borrow an egg, not an incident that I will ever think of again unless I am re-reading this post. But other times, times that give you a strong reaction, times that make you feel embarrassed or happy or sad or melancholy or angry . . . or all of those at once; "Oh my God I don't want to see him, do I jump in a bush?!" or "Oh holy crap! I am so happy to see you I want to run and jump up on you and kiss your whole face!". 'Tis a quandry at times.
A couple of years ago I saw a man I had dated many years before out to breakfast with his girlfriend. Any pain and animosity between he and I is long since gone and we are quite good friends, time heals all wounds. That said, I had never seen him with another woman and I had to check in with myself for a minute; "How do I feel about this? Am I ok?". Turns out I was ok, but I needed a minute to do a scan. No break up is easy, but at least when someone tells you "I just can't do it" and it turns out they really can't, then you can feel good about getting the truth and I believe this is why he and I are friends. The crazy thing about this story is, I live in Denver, he lives in Summit County, and we saw each other in Crested Butte. What are the odds? 100%. The odds are 100%, and he is still my dear friend, I love him more than ice cream . . . well, some flavors anyway.
You all know I write this stuff to make you laugh and to make you feel comforted if and when you do the same dumb shit I do. It takes some amount of vulnerability to share my crazy life and this past year, more than ever, I am learning the value of vulnerability. Being vulnerable relies on truth telling, not acting like you've always got it all together, not being the one-man band with the cymbals between my knees, trained monkey dancing on my shoulder, million dollar smile, every joke a winner, juggling fire, and an enormous bank account to boot. You can only keep that shit up for so long before all the fire sticks you've been juggling fall down around you and burn up all the old crap. Being vulnerable, telling the truth, and opening ones self up is scary . . . but if you are as blessed as I am you have a someone or two in your life that you can tell everything and they love you still, just as much, possibly more for being truthful and real. Real people are way more interesting than fire jugglers, and way more relatable.
More and more I have opened myself up to vulnerable situations and, whaddya know, more and more good stuff comes to me. It's the abandonment of fear . . . no, that's not right, it's the acceptance perhaps of fear. Stuff is gonna scare ya, so are you just going to hide forever? Not say how you you feel? Not spend time alone to find out who you are? Oddly, this is exactly what the blog I already wrote is about, so maybe we can just call this one part 1.
In this case, I can tell you why I saw this person (hellooooo vulnerable, I am about to share something private!). It's because I prayed/sent good vibes/mediated/whatever you like to call it, about this person JUST YESTERDAY. Yes, it's true, I did. I can't tell you more than that because then it's really private and gets into someone else's business and I am not at liberty to do such. You all know you're safe with me, none of your confidences show up here, nor will they ever. But I will take this semi public forum to admit that I thought of this person, and was then drawn in that direction, and then BAM! HELLO YOU ON THE STREET!
Why do we run into people? For fun sometimes, I ran into a friend in Moab a couple of years ago, how fun is that?! For a quick check in sometimes, I saw my friend on the 16th mall shuttle and I am NEVER on that thing. And other times, maybe there are bigger reasons; to let you know you are ok, to let you know you are not ok, to let you know you are loved, to let you know that there other things in the world for you but maybe they are on a different path. If you find a reason, then God love ya that's awesome, and if you can't, maybe it's nothing more than a neighbor borrowing an egg.
I love every last one of you.
Monday, December 15, 2014
Joy and Good Tidings and Stuff Like That
Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special
-Wham
Yeah, that's right, I used Wham.
Sooooo, it's December again . . . there are parties and decorations and celebrations of religious holidays, birthdays for some of us, and then New Years, so there is much merriment to be made. In my life I like to have a pretty fair amount of alone time, I would say slightly more than the average person, so while this time of year is full of so much joy, it can also be a bit much. Nonetheless, would that all my problems were made of such sweet stuff as many social engagements with many friends . . . woe is me. ;-)
This can also be a transforming and introspective time of year. It's a time to look back and take stock over the last year, even if you don't want to, it seems we do. Plus the sun is only out for what seems like four and a half hours a day, so why not, eh?
Putting up the tree is a time of remembrances and memories. When I was little I loved it so much that it was a task generally saved for my birthday. (When I was a kid people didn't spend the mountains of money on children's birthday parties they do now, mama made a cake at home and made something special for dinner, I didn't have to set the dinner table that night, now that's a birthday). It was a family event and I just about pee'd myself with excitement every year. I wonder if my brothers and sisters felt that way? They're older than me and it may have just seemed like a chore to them, BUT TOO BAD BECAUSE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!! (I seriously have not changed one bit). When you pull out those ornaments every year it's a trip down memory lane, and it's awesome. The wine glass ornament I got on a girls wine tasting weekend in Palisade, the crown penguin ornament I bought as a gift but loved so much I kept it, (oh, it's true), the ornament I stole from a bar (oh, it's true), the ornament Ruthie made for me, the ornament my neighbor made for me, they all have such sweet memories, they are each their own short story. I always put up three stockings; one for Lucy Lulu, one for Delilah Jane, and one for me. Last year was the first year I put up Lucy's with no Lucy in the house. Her stocking is still up this year, as it always will be. I miss my sweet baby girl, and her stocking brings her memory to the forefront again. But at least I still have Delilah trying to climb the tree and knock all the ornaments off. Ahhhh, to be a mom to kitties.
When I put the tree up I watch goofy Christmas movies, duh. But the granddaddy of them all, the Rose Bowl of Christmas movies, It's A Wonderful Life, is saved for Christmas Eve. Now here is a movie that will make you look back on your life. The weeks prior to Christmas are in full swing, but on Christmas eve all the dust settles. I curl up at home, I make real cocoa on the stove, the only lights in the house are from my Christmas lights and the black and white beauty of Donna Reed and Jimmy Stewart. The hub bub is over, and I rest. Every now and then the ghosts of Christmas's past drop in. One snowy year my sister had forgotten to bring all the stocking stuffers and Santa gifts for my niece and nephew from her house to the family home. They were wee children at the time so not waking up to the goods from jolly ol' St. Nick was unacceptable. My sister and I drove from Littleton, in the middle of a snowy cold night, to the only 24 hour Walgreens in the Denver metro area at the time, on Colfax near Casa Bonita, to get the kids whatever we could so they would know they had been good that year. Another year, the first Christmas my brothers and sister and I spent with no living parents, we all stayed up late and watched Eraserhead, then we ate fried chicken from the Colonel around midnight or so. I was 17 that year, the first year of my life I got to stay up late on Christmas Eve rather than go to bed early for fear Santa wouldn't come. Hey, no parents, we made our own rules.
So 2014 is about to fold in on itself. How did this chapter of your life go? I hope it was a time of immense love and pleasure and growth and delight and laughter. I hope that even when your ship faced stormy times you stayed afloat, I hope if you were adrift for a bit you enjoyed it and learned some new things along the way. When you look at your ornaments this year, or light the candles on your menorah, or celebrate winter solstice rituals, I hope you are able to look back at all the wondrous moments that filled your life this year. This year I witnessed marriage, I witnessed the fruition of a much longed for pregnancy, I witnessed an engagement, and some joyous endings to bad habits gone on too long . . . death of some things can hold the same amount of joy as the birth of other things. As the earth begins her journey around the sun yet another time, I hope you will take time to sit in quiet wonder at the incredible person you are and all the good you have wrought, probably more than you know. You may have smiled at a stranger and changed their entire day. You may have hugged your loved one a little longer and made them feel how special they are to you. You may have hung your kids old, ratty, falling apart ornament made from popsicle sticks and Elmer's glue on the tree to remind both you and them of how beautiful and lasting love can be.
It's dark. The year is pretty much over. Take a few minutes from the holiday schedule, sit, be still, count your blessings and maybe even enjoy a hug and a movie and hot cocoa. Why not, it's dark nineteen and half hours a day.
God bless us everyone.
-Wham
Yeah, that's right, I used Wham.
Sooooo, it's December again . . . there are parties and decorations and celebrations of religious holidays, birthdays for some of us, and then New Years, so there is much merriment to be made. In my life I like to have a pretty fair amount of alone time, I would say slightly more than the average person, so while this time of year is full of so much joy, it can also be a bit much. Nonetheless, would that all my problems were made of such sweet stuff as many social engagements with many friends . . . woe is me. ;-)
This can also be a transforming and introspective time of year. It's a time to look back and take stock over the last year, even if you don't want to, it seems we do. Plus the sun is only out for what seems like four and a half hours a day, so why not, eh?
Putting up the tree is a time of remembrances and memories. When I was little I loved it so much that it was a task generally saved for my birthday. (When I was a kid people didn't spend the mountains of money on children's birthday parties they do now, mama made a cake at home and made something special for dinner, I didn't have to set the dinner table that night, now that's a birthday). It was a family event and I just about pee'd myself with excitement every year. I wonder if my brothers and sisters felt that way? They're older than me and it may have just seemed like a chore to them, BUT TOO BAD BECAUSE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!! (I seriously have not changed one bit). When you pull out those ornaments every year it's a trip down memory lane, and it's awesome. The wine glass ornament I got on a girls wine tasting weekend in Palisade, the crown penguin ornament I bought as a gift but loved so much I kept it, (oh, it's true), the ornament I stole from a bar (oh, it's true), the ornament Ruthie made for me, the ornament my neighbor made for me, they all have such sweet memories, they are each their own short story. I always put up three stockings; one for Lucy Lulu, one for Delilah Jane, and one for me. Last year was the first year I put up Lucy's with no Lucy in the house. Her stocking is still up this year, as it always will be. I miss my sweet baby girl, and her stocking brings her memory to the forefront again. But at least I still have Delilah trying to climb the tree and knock all the ornaments off. Ahhhh, to be a mom to kitties.
When I put the tree up I watch goofy Christmas movies, duh. But the granddaddy of them all, the Rose Bowl of Christmas movies, It's A Wonderful Life, is saved for Christmas Eve. Now here is a movie that will make you look back on your life. The weeks prior to Christmas are in full swing, but on Christmas eve all the dust settles. I curl up at home, I make real cocoa on the stove, the only lights in the house are from my Christmas lights and the black and white beauty of Donna Reed and Jimmy Stewart. The hub bub is over, and I rest. Every now and then the ghosts of Christmas's past drop in. One snowy year my sister had forgotten to bring all the stocking stuffers and Santa gifts for my niece and nephew from her house to the family home. They were wee children at the time so not waking up to the goods from jolly ol' St. Nick was unacceptable. My sister and I drove from Littleton, in the middle of a snowy cold night, to the only 24 hour Walgreens in the Denver metro area at the time, on Colfax near Casa Bonita, to get the kids whatever we could so they would know they had been good that year. Another year, the first Christmas my brothers and sister and I spent with no living parents, we all stayed up late and watched Eraserhead, then we ate fried chicken from the Colonel around midnight or so. I was 17 that year, the first year of my life I got to stay up late on Christmas Eve rather than go to bed early for fear Santa wouldn't come. Hey, no parents, we made our own rules.
So 2014 is about to fold in on itself. How did this chapter of your life go? I hope it was a time of immense love and pleasure and growth and delight and laughter. I hope that even when your ship faced stormy times you stayed afloat, I hope if you were adrift for a bit you enjoyed it and learned some new things along the way. When you look at your ornaments this year, or light the candles on your menorah, or celebrate winter solstice rituals, I hope you are able to look back at all the wondrous moments that filled your life this year. This year I witnessed marriage, I witnessed the fruition of a much longed for pregnancy, I witnessed an engagement, and some joyous endings to bad habits gone on too long . . . death of some things can hold the same amount of joy as the birth of other things. As the earth begins her journey around the sun yet another time, I hope you will take time to sit in quiet wonder at the incredible person you are and all the good you have wrought, probably more than you know. You may have smiled at a stranger and changed their entire day. You may have hugged your loved one a little longer and made them feel how special they are to you. You may have hung your kids old, ratty, falling apart ornament made from popsicle sticks and Elmer's glue on the tree to remind both you and them of how beautiful and lasting love can be.
It's dark. The year is pretty much over. Take a few minutes from the holiday schedule, sit, be still, count your blessings and maybe even enjoy a hug and a movie and hot cocoa. Why not, it's dark nineteen and half hours a day.
God bless us everyone.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Sleep Waltzing
I sleep in late another day, oh what a wonder, oh what a waste. It's a Monday, so mundane, what exciting things will happen today? The yard is full of hard rubbish, it's a mess and I guess the neighbors must think we run a meth lab. We should amend that . . .
-Courtney Barnett
Everyone who knows me knows I love sweets, I love Christmas, and I love yoga. I can bake cookies at home or I can buy them from a store. Christmas ornaments can be made or purchased year 'round. Yoga can be done at home, at the park, or in a studio. These things are all constant. But of course, in our lives constants can still change. My favorite bakery can stop baking my favorite cookies at any point in time. Christmas can be spent with family one year and then riding a ski lift alone the next year. Yoga studios can change philosophies, teachers, location, or even close up shop.
I have gone to the same yoga studio for four years. Today, I attended my last class there. They have closed up shop. In that studio I have expanded my yoga practice and grown in my personal life. I have cried in that studio. I have hugged others as they cried. I have laughed there. I have been drenched in buckets of my own sweat. I have smiled and I have cursed. I have felt the tentativeness of maybe balancing on my head one day to the "I got this" feeling of headstanding in the middle of the room with no problem. Yoga is part of my life, and like life, it is a journey. The community from that studio was a rare and particular experience, an experience I will likely not have again.
But . . .
what waits ahead?
This time last year I went to work, I went to yoga, and then a few nights a week I saw the man I was dating. Every last one of those things is gone this year. But, only that job is gone. Only that man is gone. Only that studio is gone. In my life I have another job, I will find another yoga studio to call home, and I will have love. The things that I desire are not gone, only the outer vessel in which I knew them before.
Recently I went to my friends book signing. My friend, Tracy Maxwell, wrote a book called "Being Single, With Cancer". I hope that you will all seek her book out online and buy it. Why? Well first because if you're my friend I will support you in your endeavors, but also because cancer can take on my many forms in our lives. A person, a job, a situation, a relationship, an addiction, can all be "cancers" in our lives. By saying this I do not mean in any way to diminish the magnitude of having the dis-ease of medical cancer, nor does Tracy which is why I urge you all to check out her book. When I heard Tracy speak she said (and I believe she took this quote from someone else but for the life of me I can't remember or find on Google who it is) "Cancer is not a gift because I wouldn't give it to you. But cancer has been a blessing because of what I have learned about myself, how I have grown and found strength". That may not be an exact quote but you get the picture. Tracy has had a rare form of Ovarian cancer three times . . . and in the years I have known her I have never seen her look healthier or happier. She has taken control of her life through diet, surrounding herself with positive energy at The Unitarian Church (you know, the kind of church that loves everyone and couldn't care less about your sexual preference or political affliiation), and by writing a book to help others. She used her experience to gain personal strength and help others. C'mon, that's awesome.
My new neighbors across the street from me are a same sex couple . . . with five boys. FIVE BOYS! They have a gosh darn houseful. They are an incredibly happy, open, loving, caring, and sharing family unit. One of the women (I won't use her name because I haven't asked permission and it's too late to run over there now) shared her life experience with me. She was in a heterosexual marriage for 20 years because she was taught that is what one does. Four of those five boys came from her marriage, they are the blessing that came from a situation that wasn't right. When she finally knew "I can't do this anymore", she lost much. She lost her business, she lost many friends, and even some family members. She has been shunned by people that supposedly love her - but only conditionally it seems. As she tells me the story she starts to cry and I am so happy that she has seen past the crazy neighbor bit of me and down to the comforting bit of me. You know how much I love to laugh with all of you, but you also know that any one of you can call me anytime and cry yourself a river, I will always listen. My neighbor found an amount of strength that maybe she didn't even realize she had, until she had no choice. And the unequivocal love and the happy home life that they show their boys every day is crystal clear.
Life will let you know when it's time to rise up. Life will let you know when it is your time to be called upon to make a difference, be it large or small, everyone of us leaves us a legacy. Sometimes it can seem like a damn shame that the call to action can be the result of something so immensely painful, so cancerous, but that's what it takes I suppose. How could Tracy spread her positive message to other cancer patients and survivors without having had the experience? During a session with a guide/healer/mentor that has helped guide me through this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year, I ask her "Why did these lessons have to come at the cost of a broken heart? From someone I loved? From deceit and surreptition?" She laughed good naturedly and said "Really? Do you really have to ask that? How many people have come in and out your life that you didn't love and made very little impact?" Ah, yes, I see. Think of the times in your life you have had mammoth changes. Was it because you just decided on a random Tuesday over your morning coffee break "hey, I'm gonna move out of my comfort zone and aim for discomfort in order to find something awesome"? Doubtful. Or was it because something huge happened and you had to, you wanted to, but you also had to. The time comes for us all and there is no turning back.
Will it be peaceful? Nope. Will it be fraught with change and perhaps loss? Yep. Will it be worth it? Abso-frickin-lutely. And you can do it. Oh yes you can.
My neighbor is happy. Tracy is happy. I am happy. I have laughed more in the past few weeks than I have in a year, because everything in my world has changed, and continues to change. The "cancers" that visited my friends and myself are not gifts, because we wouldn't give the hurt to any of you, but they are blessings because wow oh wow, we are making differences in our lives and the lives of others . . . just as every one of you do . . . and don't you forget it. You're awesome, keep that shit up.
Deep experience is never peaceful - Henry James
-Courtney Barnett
Everyone who knows me knows I love sweets, I love Christmas, and I love yoga. I can bake cookies at home or I can buy them from a store. Christmas ornaments can be made or purchased year 'round. Yoga can be done at home, at the park, or in a studio. These things are all constant. But of course, in our lives constants can still change. My favorite bakery can stop baking my favorite cookies at any point in time. Christmas can be spent with family one year and then riding a ski lift alone the next year. Yoga studios can change philosophies, teachers, location, or even close up shop.
I have gone to the same yoga studio for four years. Today, I attended my last class there. They have closed up shop. In that studio I have expanded my yoga practice and grown in my personal life. I have cried in that studio. I have hugged others as they cried. I have laughed there. I have been drenched in buckets of my own sweat. I have smiled and I have cursed. I have felt the tentativeness of maybe balancing on my head one day to the "I got this" feeling of headstanding in the middle of the room with no problem. Yoga is part of my life, and like life, it is a journey. The community from that studio was a rare and particular experience, an experience I will likely not have again.
But . . .
what waits ahead?
This time last year I went to work, I went to yoga, and then a few nights a week I saw the man I was dating. Every last one of those things is gone this year. But, only that job is gone. Only that man is gone. Only that studio is gone. In my life I have another job, I will find another yoga studio to call home, and I will have love. The things that I desire are not gone, only the outer vessel in which I knew them before.
Recently I went to my friends book signing. My friend, Tracy Maxwell, wrote a book called "Being Single, With Cancer". I hope that you will all seek her book out online and buy it. Why? Well first because if you're my friend I will support you in your endeavors, but also because cancer can take on my many forms in our lives. A person, a job, a situation, a relationship, an addiction, can all be "cancers" in our lives. By saying this I do not mean in any way to diminish the magnitude of having the dis-ease of medical cancer, nor does Tracy which is why I urge you all to check out her book. When I heard Tracy speak she said (and I believe she took this quote from someone else but for the life of me I can't remember or find on Google who it is) "Cancer is not a gift because I wouldn't give it to you. But cancer has been a blessing because of what I have learned about myself, how I have grown and found strength". That may not be an exact quote but you get the picture. Tracy has had a rare form of Ovarian cancer three times . . . and in the years I have known her I have never seen her look healthier or happier. She has taken control of her life through diet, surrounding herself with positive energy at The Unitarian Church (you know, the kind of church that loves everyone and couldn't care less about your sexual preference or political affliiation), and by writing a book to help others. She used her experience to gain personal strength and help others. C'mon, that's awesome.
My new neighbors across the street from me are a same sex couple . . . with five boys. FIVE BOYS! They have a gosh darn houseful. They are an incredibly happy, open, loving, caring, and sharing family unit. One of the women (I won't use her name because I haven't asked permission and it's too late to run over there now) shared her life experience with me. She was in a heterosexual marriage for 20 years because she was taught that is what one does. Four of those five boys came from her marriage, they are the blessing that came from a situation that wasn't right. When she finally knew "I can't do this anymore", she lost much. She lost her business, she lost many friends, and even some family members. She has been shunned by people that supposedly love her - but only conditionally it seems. As she tells me the story she starts to cry and I am so happy that she has seen past the crazy neighbor bit of me and down to the comforting bit of me. You know how much I love to laugh with all of you, but you also know that any one of you can call me anytime and cry yourself a river, I will always listen. My neighbor found an amount of strength that maybe she didn't even realize she had, until she had no choice. And the unequivocal love and the happy home life that they show their boys every day is crystal clear.
Life will let you know when it's time to rise up. Life will let you know when it is your time to be called upon to make a difference, be it large or small, everyone of us leaves us a legacy. Sometimes it can seem like a damn shame that the call to action can be the result of something so immensely painful, so cancerous, but that's what it takes I suppose. How could Tracy spread her positive message to other cancer patients and survivors without having had the experience? During a session with a guide/healer/mentor that has helped guide me through this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year, I ask her "Why did these lessons have to come at the cost of a broken heart? From someone I loved? From deceit and surreptition?" She laughed good naturedly and said "Really? Do you really have to ask that? How many people have come in and out your life that you didn't love and made very little impact?" Ah, yes, I see. Think of the times in your life you have had mammoth changes. Was it because you just decided on a random Tuesday over your morning coffee break "hey, I'm gonna move out of my comfort zone and aim for discomfort in order to find something awesome"? Doubtful. Or was it because something huge happened and you had to, you wanted to, but you also had to. The time comes for us all and there is no turning back.
Will it be peaceful? Nope. Will it be fraught with change and perhaps loss? Yep. Will it be worth it? Abso-frickin-lutely. And you can do it. Oh yes you can.
My neighbor is happy. Tracy is happy. I am happy. I have laughed more in the past few weeks than I have in a year, because everything in my world has changed, and continues to change. The "cancers" that visited my friends and myself are not gifts, because we wouldn't give the hurt to any of you, but they are blessings because wow oh wow, we are making differences in our lives and the lives of others . . . just as every one of you do . . . and don't you forget it. You're awesome, keep that shit up.
Deep experience is never peaceful - Henry James
Sunday, October 12, 2014
It Only Gets Better
Hello, boys and girls
This is your old pal, Stinky Wizzleteats
This is a song about a whale
No, this is a song about being happy
That's right, it's the happy happy, joy joy song
-Ren and Stimpy
A few months ago I wrote that I hate Spring and Fall, remember? Of course you do. And remember further that I wrote about having a decidedly difficult year but I felt sure it would end up being a stellar year? Right? Yeah? C'mon, you remember. I wanna tell ya, I was starting to fear I may have to eat my words about the year getting better and learning good things from being on crapped on . . . repeatedly. It seemed the tears would never end and the pain would be endless as well, and the hope I was fed over and over, only to be lied to over and over, would never end . . . but then, I decided I had had enough.
Sometimes we wait and wait and wait for something bad to become something good because otherwise, what was the point? How will it feel better? Why all this crappity crap and no lightbulb of goodness at the end? And perhaps most importantly, we want to believe people are good. I think that's what it really boils to, we want to see people in a positive light, when we're hurt we want it to be made right. Sometimes though, it just isn't and when that happens, you have to walk away entirely. Change the streets you walk down, change the restaurants you go to, change your thought patterns, change everything because happiness is a choice but it's also a habit that you can form or you can break. Change begins with you, with me, within each of us and most times, the catalyst for change is a massive bowl of rotten cherries. I will never thank the person that inspired change in my life this year for the lies, the torment, the heartbreak, the degradation, the deception, and the rejection that was served to me repeatedly (and let me be very clear, it is only the list of ick I just mentioned for which I am not grateful, there were certainly good things as well). But I will say this, the project I have started in my life (more on that in the months to come), the changes in the way I view myself and others, the unquestionable light and love I feel in my life now are a direct result of my saying to myself "this is it, I never want to visit this place of anguish again and I will do the work it takes to make that happen."
So, it's fall, that's where we started this story, remember? ;-) fall.
When I was a kid in Midland, Texas my parents liked to go on a long walk after dinner. Mostly it was just their time, away from 5 kids in a 3 bedroom ranch house, but every now and again they would let me tag along. I always loved it, such a pleasant time away from the chaos of 4 siblings, a dog, and the baby doll I had mothered and taken care of all day while the older kids labored away at school. Such is the life of a young girl. When I was a young 20 something living in Capital Hill I liked going on walks late at night to see the craziness of my neighborhood. When I was married my then husband and I went on walks often. It's a nice way to connect and get away from dishes and bills and laundry. I have walked at night around the neighborhood I live in now for many years, most every night in the summer but I can be seen out in a snowstorm as well. When you walk you really see what's in your life. Houses you've driven by a myriad of times become real, not just part of the scenery. You hear children laughing and music playing and birds chirping and the sound of lawn mowers and sprinklers. In the winter you hear the magical silence of snow falling and peacefulness (oh yes you can hear peacefulness). It's time for a change in my life, and I have changed the path of my walks. It's good to change things up, see new things, go down different streets and see different people, leave the past behind, and I felt it keenly just the other day because . . . it's fall. I laughed at myself when I realized what a beautiful fall night it was and how I had poo poo'd fall not so very long ago. The leaves are everywhere, I don't have to sleep with the air conditioner on, the air is fresh, and most symbolically . . . the trees have shed what no longer serves them. The trunk of a tree is the soul, the core, the strength of it. The leaves are beautiful, but not permanent. What remains in tact every fall, every winter, year after year is the solid, sturdy trunk. Every year the things that no longer serve, the leaves, shed away. The trunk remains strong and, this is important, takes some time before growing leaves again. The tree doesn't rush out and say "OMG I NEED MORE LEAVES RIGHT AWAY! WHAT AM I WITHOUT PLUMAGE?!". The tree is sturdy enough to withstand the withering away of things past and is wise enough to know that rest is good to prepare for things in the future.
It's the same in our lives. When one thing falls away, there are those who will immediately rush to call the next person to fill that space, those who can't spend time in hibernation, but I fear it only allows the same thing to happen again. Anyway, that's not really what I want to talk about. I want to talk about happiness! Listen, I am not even kidding when I said I was greatly concerned I was going to reach the end of this year feeling just as rough as I did in the beginning of this year and I am so happy to report that many good things are starting to roll into my life. And it's because I spent time on my own this year, thinking, crying, writing, digging into old yuckiness and clearing it out. And it was hard work! Holy cow what a year of difficult memories, anger, doubt, not understanding, questioning and finally . . . the start of a whole new path, from revolution to resolution. I don't want back what I had, because it wasn't enough. I won't sit on the floor under the dinner table accepting whatever scraps may fall my way. F*** that noise. I feed myself, I feed myself well and if others won't offer the same, then they can shine on. Even in situations where you may feel like you can't just walk away, maybe a job, try to find what you can to move forward. You have to have income (at least I do, no independent wealth here) and you may feel trapped. What else can you do to make your job more agreeable? For a while I got in the habit of working through lunch, NO MORE. Unless it is absolutely necessary I leave the office every single day for an hour. I read. I write. I may just sit outside, but I get the hell out. And is there something that you love doing that has nothing to do with work? The Black Dog's Dad is a remarkable artist, he spends most of his time away from his day job painting and showing his art. It can be tiring, and sometimes daunting, and I certainly don't know the answers in anyone else's life, but doing something that is more aligned with your spirit, even if it's just on the side, can make you feel so great AND . . . you never know what may come of it. Leaving a job can be harder because you need money. Leaving a person can be done in an instant but it hurts infinitely more and infinitely longer . . . and we don't do it in an instant. We drag it on because, again, hope springs eternal. Hope isn't bad, but we know when it's misplaced and yet we still linger.
But check out those leaves and that sturdy tree. That tree is doing just fine without those leaves, and new leaves will arrive in time, and all on their own. Not manufactured from some website where trees and leaves get together, it just happens naturally. Some of the leaves have fallen away in my life, and it was very hurtful for a very long time . . . sometimes it still is . . . some hurts take longer than others, but my life is full of good things. It doesn't mean circumstances necessarily changed, the situations that occurred in my life didn't magically resolve and get better, I wasn't given enormous amounts of money, I haven't fallen head first into the greatest job of all time, but I have changed and that makes my world change. Even in the sad moments that I, of course, still have, I know there is light now and more light coming. I have happiness and when my job makes me want run outside screaming and pulling my hair out, I remember that it doesn't define me and I am working toward other endeavors that make me happy. My boss can kick and scream and make herself blue in the face, she has no say in my life.
There is so much in life to be happy about! Trees and leaves, snow and sun, 80's hair bands (I will listen to Bad English sing "When I See You Smile" all day, no joke), pretty dresses, friends, books, weekends, and new paths in life . . . leaving the old behind.
Yay Fall!
This is your old pal, Stinky Wizzleteats
This is a song about a whale
No, this is a song about being happy
That's right, it's the happy happy, joy joy song
-Ren and Stimpy
A few months ago I wrote that I hate Spring and Fall, remember? Of course you do. And remember further that I wrote about having a decidedly difficult year but I felt sure it would end up being a stellar year? Right? Yeah? C'mon, you remember. I wanna tell ya, I was starting to fear I may have to eat my words about the year getting better and learning good things from being on crapped on . . . repeatedly. It seemed the tears would never end and the pain would be endless as well, and the hope I was fed over and over, only to be lied to over and over, would never end . . . but then, I decided I had had enough.
Sometimes we wait and wait and wait for something bad to become something good because otherwise, what was the point? How will it feel better? Why all this crappity crap and no lightbulb of goodness at the end? And perhaps most importantly, we want to believe people are good. I think that's what it really boils to, we want to see people in a positive light, when we're hurt we want it to be made right. Sometimes though, it just isn't and when that happens, you have to walk away entirely. Change the streets you walk down, change the restaurants you go to, change your thought patterns, change everything because happiness is a choice but it's also a habit that you can form or you can break. Change begins with you, with me, within each of us and most times, the catalyst for change is a massive bowl of rotten cherries. I will never thank the person that inspired change in my life this year for the lies, the torment, the heartbreak, the degradation, the deception, and the rejection that was served to me repeatedly (and let me be very clear, it is only the list of ick I just mentioned for which I am not grateful, there were certainly good things as well). But I will say this, the project I have started in my life (more on that in the months to come), the changes in the way I view myself and others, the unquestionable light and love I feel in my life now are a direct result of my saying to myself "this is it, I never want to visit this place of anguish again and I will do the work it takes to make that happen."
So, it's fall, that's where we started this story, remember? ;-) fall.
When I was a kid in Midland, Texas my parents liked to go on a long walk after dinner. Mostly it was just their time, away from 5 kids in a 3 bedroom ranch house, but every now and again they would let me tag along. I always loved it, such a pleasant time away from the chaos of 4 siblings, a dog, and the baby doll I had mothered and taken care of all day while the older kids labored away at school. Such is the life of a young girl. When I was a young 20 something living in Capital Hill I liked going on walks late at night to see the craziness of my neighborhood. When I was married my then husband and I went on walks often. It's a nice way to connect and get away from dishes and bills and laundry. I have walked at night around the neighborhood I live in now for many years, most every night in the summer but I can be seen out in a snowstorm as well. When you walk you really see what's in your life. Houses you've driven by a myriad of times become real, not just part of the scenery. You hear children laughing and music playing and birds chirping and the sound of lawn mowers and sprinklers. In the winter you hear the magical silence of snow falling and peacefulness (oh yes you can hear peacefulness). It's time for a change in my life, and I have changed the path of my walks. It's good to change things up, see new things, go down different streets and see different people, leave the past behind, and I felt it keenly just the other day because . . . it's fall. I laughed at myself when I realized what a beautiful fall night it was and how I had poo poo'd fall not so very long ago. The leaves are everywhere, I don't have to sleep with the air conditioner on, the air is fresh, and most symbolically . . . the trees have shed what no longer serves them. The trunk of a tree is the soul, the core, the strength of it. The leaves are beautiful, but not permanent. What remains in tact every fall, every winter, year after year is the solid, sturdy trunk. Every year the things that no longer serve, the leaves, shed away. The trunk remains strong and, this is important, takes some time before growing leaves again. The tree doesn't rush out and say "OMG I NEED MORE LEAVES RIGHT AWAY! WHAT AM I WITHOUT PLUMAGE?!". The tree is sturdy enough to withstand the withering away of things past and is wise enough to know that rest is good to prepare for things in the future.
It's the same in our lives. When one thing falls away, there are those who will immediately rush to call the next person to fill that space, those who can't spend time in hibernation, but I fear it only allows the same thing to happen again. Anyway, that's not really what I want to talk about. I want to talk about happiness! Listen, I am not even kidding when I said I was greatly concerned I was going to reach the end of this year feeling just as rough as I did in the beginning of this year and I am so happy to report that many good things are starting to roll into my life. And it's because I spent time on my own this year, thinking, crying, writing, digging into old yuckiness and clearing it out. And it was hard work! Holy cow what a year of difficult memories, anger, doubt, not understanding, questioning and finally . . . the start of a whole new path, from revolution to resolution. I don't want back what I had, because it wasn't enough. I won't sit on the floor under the dinner table accepting whatever scraps may fall my way. F*** that noise. I feed myself, I feed myself well and if others won't offer the same, then they can shine on. Even in situations where you may feel like you can't just walk away, maybe a job, try to find what you can to move forward. You have to have income (at least I do, no independent wealth here) and you may feel trapped. What else can you do to make your job more agreeable? For a while I got in the habit of working through lunch, NO MORE. Unless it is absolutely necessary I leave the office every single day for an hour. I read. I write. I may just sit outside, but I get the hell out. And is there something that you love doing that has nothing to do with work? The Black Dog's Dad is a remarkable artist, he spends most of his time away from his day job painting and showing his art. It can be tiring, and sometimes daunting, and I certainly don't know the answers in anyone else's life, but doing something that is more aligned with your spirit, even if it's just on the side, can make you feel so great AND . . . you never know what may come of it. Leaving a job can be harder because you need money. Leaving a person can be done in an instant but it hurts infinitely more and infinitely longer . . . and we don't do it in an instant. We drag it on because, again, hope springs eternal. Hope isn't bad, but we know when it's misplaced and yet we still linger.
But check out those leaves and that sturdy tree. That tree is doing just fine without those leaves, and new leaves will arrive in time, and all on their own. Not manufactured from some website where trees and leaves get together, it just happens naturally. Some of the leaves have fallen away in my life, and it was very hurtful for a very long time . . . sometimes it still is . . . some hurts take longer than others, but my life is full of good things. It doesn't mean circumstances necessarily changed, the situations that occurred in my life didn't magically resolve and get better, I wasn't given enormous amounts of money, I haven't fallen head first into the greatest job of all time, but I have changed and that makes my world change. Even in the sad moments that I, of course, still have, I know there is light now and more light coming. I have happiness and when my job makes me want run outside screaming and pulling my hair out, I remember that it doesn't define me and I am working toward other endeavors that make me happy. My boss can kick and scream and make herself blue in the face, she has no say in my life.
There is so much in life to be happy about! Trees and leaves, snow and sun, 80's hair bands (I will listen to Bad English sing "When I See You Smile" all day, no joke), pretty dresses, friends, books, weekends, and new paths in life . . . leaving the old behind.
Yay Fall!
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