If you don’t know what to do about a world of trouble, you can pull it through if you need to, and if you believe it’s true it will surely happen. Shining still to give us the will, bright as the day, to show us the way. Somehow, someday, we need just one victory and we’re on our way.
Todd Rundgren
I started on a different subject this month, but I’ve become inspired by the people around me to talk about volunteering.
In December I wrote a bit about giving your money, if you have it, to charitable causes. Now I want to write about giving your time, your heart, your soul, your blood sweat and tears. Hopefully the blood will be as a donor, the tears will likely be tears of joy, sweat is what gets it done. I don’t want to dissuade you from giving money if you can, please do! Try, though, to step out and really get involved in a hands on way, you’ll be amazed at how good you will feel about yourself, others around you, and the world at large.
A few years ago my friend (and many of yours), Robyn, felt so inspired to help cancer survivors in their healing process she started her own non-profit organization called re-org. She didn’t just think “Wow, someone should really do something about that”, she did something about that. re-org is now a growing, local non-profit organization that serves a community of survivors through Robyns efforts and your donations, both financially and with your time. All the massage therapists are volunteers. Every year at the fall wine tasting the photographer (Patrick, whom you will read about below) donates his time and the wine pourers donate their time. For the spring fundraiser (Massages, Manicures, and Mimosas) the therapists are all volunteers as well as the nail technician (Deb, you will see her name here again as well). Please visit www.re-orgdenver.org.
Recently, after the devastation in Japan, another friend, Patrick, was personally touched by this tragedy and is organizing a fundraiser to aid in the relief efforts. Can you believe this? Putting together an entire evening of art to be auctioned and music with not one dollar of profit for himself, all to help a country full of people that are thousands of miles away and he’s never met. That is giving. Please visit www.facebook.com/riseinthewest
My friend, Julie, lost her brother to Leukemia. To honor his memory Julie put together a weekend of volunteering at The Roundup River Ranch in Dotesero, CO. This Ranch is part of The Hole In The Wall Association of camps. These camps are set up across the country to serve children with life threatening diseases. Children go to camp free of charge and are given all the medical care they need while experiencing summer camp and getting to know other children that are winning the same battle. This is the first camp to be set up in our area, expanding their reach for children. Julie appealed to a group of friends, close to 50 people responded to the call and joined forces to help out. Julie inspires me. Please visit www.roundupriverranch.org
I work with a woman, Jennifer, who has a set up a program to visit a local safehouse and provide these women with chair massages, haircuts, and manicures. No one gets paid, it’s only to help out women in a situation that I can’t begin to fathom. Can you imagine how nice it must feel to get your shoulders rubbed, your hands massaged, and your head held in a way that is loving and kind as opposed to abusive and scary? You can work miracles in the lives of others, I promise you, you can make a difference.
Missy is about to donate bone marrow for someone she has never met. She is scared. It is going to be painful and it will take several days healing time. But she is doing it to save a life. Please visit www.marrow.org
Therese is a regular blood donor. You can all do this and you should. It’s easy, painless, takes almost no time and saves a life. Not to mention you get a free cookie and apple juice, do it! Please visit www.bonfils.org
Deb donates her time to re-org as the nail technician at the spring fundraiser, she organizes The Mountain Resource Center annual Christmas party, and she puts together baskets for our soldiers. Deb organized a letter writing campaign to send cards and well wishes to soldiers along with baskets of playing cards, toiletries, and beanie babies (they like to hand them out to the local children). She also puts together the Christmas party at The Mountain Resource Center every year through Tallgrass Spa. For many children the gift they get at the party is the only gift they will get for Christmas. Any time there is a need for a volunteer Deb’s hand is high the air. Please visit www.mountainresourcecenter.org
You can all become organ and tissue donors; just have it marked on your license. When your beautiful spirit moves on to the next realm, let your vessel help someone who is desperate for it. Someone else can see through your eyes.
If you are feeling low and like you have nothing to give, just try it. Giving to others, serving those in need will lift your spirits in ways that will surprise and astound you, and it perpetuates. Your service may serve to inspire others, you can change the world . . . with your own two hands.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Update on Project Happy
I know you’ve heard it all before, so I don’t say it any more, I just stand by and let you fight your secret war. Sometimes I used to wonder why I used to cry ‘til I was dry, still sometimes I get a strange pain inside.
-Concrete Blonde
So, I embraced being happy and I really am. Now what the hell am I going to write about? People love to write about crappy things in their lives, just listen to most song lyrics closely for five minutes and you’ll see they’re mostly about heartbreak. Can I write about being happy and still have it be interesting? “Is any of your writing ever interesting?” you may be mentally asking me. Point taken.
I listen to my clients at work and I find that they love their pain, they love their aches and ills. They say “I’ve probably got the tightest muscles you’ve ever felt.” They are so disappointed when I say no, so I throw them a bone and confirm that, yes, your muscles are remarkably tight, it must be very painful, your life is very difficult, much more so than anyone else’s . . . ever. Then they’re happy, thrilled even. I watch people get a glimpse of hope and healing in their lives only to return to the safe confines of the dark side and addiction . . . to whatever their addiction du jour may be; could be a person, could be a financial situation, could be anything, even something generally thought of as healthy. Remember “Get Him To The Greek”? Aldous Snow is clean and sober for seven years, but he substituted his substance abuse with five hours of yoga a day. His ex says to him “You can turn anything into heroin”. All things in moderation I s’pose.
I’ll tell ya what though, I’ve really found a lot of happiness in the past couple of months. Snowboarding, either alone or with friends; what a beautiful feeling of freedom, and that includes the face plant I did getting off the lift. A day spent face planting off a lift at Copper Mountain is still a day at Copper Mountain. Snowshoeing, hut tripping, yoga, riding my 800 pound bike, reading great books, seeing great bands, and always my cats, and my friends; these things all fill me a deep sense of contentment. I’ve learned that happiness is a practice. You don’t go to Spanish class because you’re already fluent in Spanish, you go to learn and then you practice, always trying to improve and have it come to you more naturally. I’ve learned that it does not come to me naturally, happiness I mean . . . well, Spanish either for that matter. I see people who are naturally happy, who always have kind words to say, who always seem unflappable and I know that I am quite flappable, but it’s ok. I also know that if I take a minute, calm down, and really assess whatever is currently flapping me, I’ll be able to see that everything is ok. The dark side really isn’t so dark, is it Luke?
Here’s what else I’ve learned, and this is a biggie for me. It’s ok to get rid of stuff that makes you decidedly unhappy. Just because you’ve decided to be happy no matter what does NOT mean you have to put on your Captain Happy All The F***ing Time pants and throw yourself in front of a speeding train of woe. You do not have to leap tall buildings of boo hoo-ing in a single bound. Don’t take a bullet if you don’t have to. Some things, some people, some places, and some situations are flat out unavoidable. You’re probably going to have to put up with annoying people at work, with rising gas prices, and with all the yummiest taste treats in the world being full of fat, but for those people, places, and things that are avoidable . . . AVOID THEM! Get rid of the crap in your life. Set boundaries with people, don’t accept what is absolutely not ok if you don’t have to. It’s like anything else in life, don’t set yourself up for failure.
I’ve also noticed I seem to have less tolerance for some situations. Are you thinking “hey, that doesn’t sound very happy”? Maybe that’s not quite correct, maybe tolerance is a poor word choice. Let me back up a bit. I can have an unkind sense of wit. Sometimes I think of something clever to say, at least in my feeble opinion, and toss that barb out like a javelin, straight and true, because it’s quick witted, it’s funny, and I may get a laugh. I’m starting to not really like that kind of humor, especially since I’m seeing it’s not really all that funny. Seriously, what’s so funny about being mean? What’s so funny about pointing out something that could feasibly hurt someone? People do it all the time and since it’s meant as a joke everyone lets it go, but deep inside witty yet cruel comments are heavy on cruel and light on wit. I don’t like being the butt of those jokes and I find that I really don’t even like making them anymore. It’s so much more pleasant to just be nice to people. This is what I’m talking about as avoidable. If I’ve ever hurt any of you with my sarcastic wit, and I probably have, I’m sorry. I really mean it, I’m a fine example of someone that is avoidable, staying away from me is sometimes not the worst idea. But that’s also what I mean with having a lower threshold of what is and is not acceptable. Why hang out with people that hurt you on purpose? We’re all going to hurt each other enough on accident, why waste time giving hurt out purposely? It’s a waste of energy, and the laugh at the zippy comments aren’t nearly as rewarding as just being “with” people. This is another aspect of being happy, no matter what, that I have to practice. Comments come into my mind as fast as lightening sometimes, but if I wait a nano-second, hold my forked tongue, and just say something kind, comforting, empathetic, or just to confirm I’m listening, it feels so much better. Practice though. Practice, practice, practice until it becomes more routine for me.
There’s another facet of the whole avoidance thing though. I pointed out that some people return to their dark sides over and over. I’ve pointed out that some people and situations are avoidable and it’s ok to steer clear. But, what does one do when the person who keeps returning to ways of life that bring about destruction is someone you love? What happens when you watch someone you love continually return to self abuse in the form of bad relationships, drugs, too much food, too little food, too much alcohol, and any other of the litany of abuses life has to offer? What then? You can’t tell someone how to live their life. You can’t tell someone what is right and what is wrong. It’s not only didactic, it’s subjective. What’s wrong for me may be right for you. I’m no one’s moral compass. There have been times in my life, many times in my life, when I have been the moron returning to the same stupid behavior over and over, or if not returning at least talking about some ridiculous situation long after the dead horse has been beaten. I look back on these times and remember some kind soul who said to me, impatiently, “Good God Laura Ellen enough! Shut the hell up about it!” Sometimes we all need a kick in the pants, we need people to let us know when to cut the crap and start back on the path of happiness. BUT, as I said before, this can be didactic and subjective. It’s hard to know how to be a friend when you watch your friends spiral downward. You want to listen, but for how long? When do you say “I’ve had it. Your decisions are affecting how I feel about you”? Does a true friend always listen or does a true friend draw boundaries? I’m really curious to hear what you all think. I love to get your comments and I’m really looking forward to hearing from you all on this, maybe learning a thing or two. In my life, I’ve decided that I have to do what’s best for me and that sometimes means saying “that’s enough, I won’t hear any more of it, I’m done.” It doesn’t have to mean these relationships end, but they have to carry changed boundaries, and that does affect the nature of relationships. I like being happy. I want my friends to be happy, and I’m not super interested in watching the endless loop of misery. Am I judgmental? It seems I am. Am I a bad friend? I don’t know.
Happiness is open to interpretation. Charles Schultz said happiness is a warm puppy while The Beatles proclaim happiness to be a warm gun. Which is it? Both, depending on who you are and how you are at any given moment, although I’m willing to guess Charles Schultz was being literal while The Beatles definition is somewhat more ambiguous. Soldiers in battle may prefer a gun, but what if they all just had warm puppies instead? How much more fun would that be? Think how happy we would all be if we played with warm puppies more.
This happiness thing is throwing lessons at me of which I never dreamed. Seems you (I) don’t just set out to let troubles roll off your back and POOF, there they go like so much water off a ducks butt. There’s much more to it. I’m happy today, and this includes some situations with which I am not entirely comfortable, but I’m happy. I hope you’re all happy today too, no matter what that may look like to you.
-Concrete Blonde
So, I embraced being happy and I really am. Now what the hell am I going to write about? People love to write about crappy things in their lives, just listen to most song lyrics closely for five minutes and you’ll see they’re mostly about heartbreak. Can I write about being happy and still have it be interesting? “Is any of your writing ever interesting?” you may be mentally asking me. Point taken.
I listen to my clients at work and I find that they love their pain, they love their aches and ills. They say “I’ve probably got the tightest muscles you’ve ever felt.” They are so disappointed when I say no, so I throw them a bone and confirm that, yes, your muscles are remarkably tight, it must be very painful, your life is very difficult, much more so than anyone else’s . . . ever. Then they’re happy, thrilled even. I watch people get a glimpse of hope and healing in their lives only to return to the safe confines of the dark side and addiction . . . to whatever their addiction du jour may be; could be a person, could be a financial situation, could be anything, even something generally thought of as healthy. Remember “Get Him To The Greek”? Aldous Snow is clean and sober for seven years, but he substituted his substance abuse with five hours of yoga a day. His ex says to him “You can turn anything into heroin”. All things in moderation I s’pose.
I’ll tell ya what though, I’ve really found a lot of happiness in the past couple of months. Snowboarding, either alone or with friends; what a beautiful feeling of freedom, and that includes the face plant I did getting off the lift. A day spent face planting off a lift at Copper Mountain is still a day at Copper Mountain. Snowshoeing, hut tripping, yoga, riding my 800 pound bike, reading great books, seeing great bands, and always my cats, and my friends; these things all fill me a deep sense of contentment. I’ve learned that happiness is a practice. You don’t go to Spanish class because you’re already fluent in Spanish, you go to learn and then you practice, always trying to improve and have it come to you more naturally. I’ve learned that it does not come to me naturally, happiness I mean . . . well, Spanish either for that matter. I see people who are naturally happy, who always have kind words to say, who always seem unflappable and I know that I am quite flappable, but it’s ok. I also know that if I take a minute, calm down, and really assess whatever is currently flapping me, I’ll be able to see that everything is ok. The dark side really isn’t so dark, is it Luke?
Here’s what else I’ve learned, and this is a biggie for me. It’s ok to get rid of stuff that makes you decidedly unhappy. Just because you’ve decided to be happy no matter what does NOT mean you have to put on your Captain Happy All The F***ing Time pants and throw yourself in front of a speeding train of woe. You do not have to leap tall buildings of boo hoo-ing in a single bound. Don’t take a bullet if you don’t have to. Some things, some people, some places, and some situations are flat out unavoidable. You’re probably going to have to put up with annoying people at work, with rising gas prices, and with all the yummiest taste treats in the world being full of fat, but for those people, places, and things that are avoidable . . . AVOID THEM! Get rid of the crap in your life. Set boundaries with people, don’t accept what is absolutely not ok if you don’t have to. It’s like anything else in life, don’t set yourself up for failure.
I’ve also noticed I seem to have less tolerance for some situations. Are you thinking “hey, that doesn’t sound very happy”? Maybe that’s not quite correct, maybe tolerance is a poor word choice. Let me back up a bit. I can have an unkind sense of wit. Sometimes I think of something clever to say, at least in my feeble opinion, and toss that barb out like a javelin, straight and true, because it’s quick witted, it’s funny, and I may get a laugh. I’m starting to not really like that kind of humor, especially since I’m seeing it’s not really all that funny. Seriously, what’s so funny about being mean? What’s so funny about pointing out something that could feasibly hurt someone? People do it all the time and since it’s meant as a joke everyone lets it go, but deep inside witty yet cruel comments are heavy on cruel and light on wit. I don’t like being the butt of those jokes and I find that I really don’t even like making them anymore. It’s so much more pleasant to just be nice to people. This is what I’m talking about as avoidable. If I’ve ever hurt any of you with my sarcastic wit, and I probably have, I’m sorry. I really mean it, I’m a fine example of someone that is avoidable, staying away from me is sometimes not the worst idea. But that’s also what I mean with having a lower threshold of what is and is not acceptable. Why hang out with people that hurt you on purpose? We’re all going to hurt each other enough on accident, why waste time giving hurt out purposely? It’s a waste of energy, and the laugh at the zippy comments aren’t nearly as rewarding as just being “with” people. This is another aspect of being happy, no matter what, that I have to practice. Comments come into my mind as fast as lightening sometimes, but if I wait a nano-second, hold my forked tongue, and just say something kind, comforting, empathetic, or just to confirm I’m listening, it feels so much better. Practice though. Practice, practice, practice until it becomes more routine for me.
There’s another facet of the whole avoidance thing though. I pointed out that some people return to their dark sides over and over. I’ve pointed out that some people and situations are avoidable and it’s ok to steer clear. But, what does one do when the person who keeps returning to ways of life that bring about destruction is someone you love? What happens when you watch someone you love continually return to self abuse in the form of bad relationships, drugs, too much food, too little food, too much alcohol, and any other of the litany of abuses life has to offer? What then? You can’t tell someone how to live their life. You can’t tell someone what is right and what is wrong. It’s not only didactic, it’s subjective. What’s wrong for me may be right for you. I’m no one’s moral compass. There have been times in my life, many times in my life, when I have been the moron returning to the same stupid behavior over and over, or if not returning at least talking about some ridiculous situation long after the dead horse has been beaten. I look back on these times and remember some kind soul who said to me, impatiently, “Good God Laura Ellen enough! Shut the hell up about it!” Sometimes we all need a kick in the pants, we need people to let us know when to cut the crap and start back on the path of happiness. BUT, as I said before, this can be didactic and subjective. It’s hard to know how to be a friend when you watch your friends spiral downward. You want to listen, but for how long? When do you say “I’ve had it. Your decisions are affecting how I feel about you”? Does a true friend always listen or does a true friend draw boundaries? I’m really curious to hear what you all think. I love to get your comments and I’m really looking forward to hearing from you all on this, maybe learning a thing or two. In my life, I’ve decided that I have to do what’s best for me and that sometimes means saying “that’s enough, I won’t hear any more of it, I’m done.” It doesn’t have to mean these relationships end, but they have to carry changed boundaries, and that does affect the nature of relationships. I like being happy. I want my friends to be happy, and I’m not super interested in watching the endless loop of misery. Am I judgmental? It seems I am. Am I a bad friend? I don’t know.
Happiness is open to interpretation. Charles Schultz said happiness is a warm puppy while The Beatles proclaim happiness to be a warm gun. Which is it? Both, depending on who you are and how you are at any given moment, although I’m willing to guess Charles Schultz was being literal while The Beatles definition is somewhat more ambiguous. Soldiers in battle may prefer a gun, but what if they all just had warm puppies instead? How much more fun would that be? Think how happy we would all be if we played with warm puppies more.
This happiness thing is throwing lessons at me of which I never dreamed. Seems you (I) don’t just set out to let troubles roll off your back and POOF, there they go like so much water off a ducks butt. There’s much more to it. I’m happy today, and this includes some situations with which I am not entirely comfortable, but I’m happy. I hope you’re all happy today too, no matter what that may look like to you.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Defending V.D.
My funny valentine, sweet comic valentine, you make me smile with my heart
-Richard Rodgers & Lorenz Hart
People hate Valentine’s Day. It’s a popular day for hatred, it’s what the cool kids do. Me though, I’m not very cool and I love it, Valentine’s Day I mean; I don’t necessarily love not being very cool, but I accept it. Valentine’s Day, though, with its homemade cards, necco candy hearts with goofy messages, red frosted cupcakes, what’s not to love? I don’t believe people actually hate it, it’s just become very hip to hate Valentine’s Day, even for those who are With Valentine. I am not hip, I’m not “in the know” enough to hate much of anything. Sure, it reflects poorly on my ability to dress fashionably but, if you know me, you know I don’t really care. You should see what I’m wearing now, truly awful . . . but, ya know, whatever.
In my 47 years of this particular life I have spent significantly more years Without Valentine than I have With Valentine, but so what? Being without a significant other doesn’t mean you don’t have loved ones. Valentines from friends and family have significance. I love getting cards and hugs and necco candy hearts with goofy messages and cupcakes from anyone and everyone, who loves me (and I’ll be honest, even if you don’t love me I’ll take a cupcake from you). I love giving cards and hugs and necco candy heart with goofy messages and cupcakes to anyone, everyone I love. It’s not a day of couples and marrieds and significant others, it’s a day of love. I love my friends. I love my cousin (hi Judy!), I love my cats, I love my siblings, and, it’s no secret, I love the Black Dog (to whom I would never give anything as unhealthy for his system as necco candy hearts with goofy messages).
So let’s examine, why hate a day set aside for love? Why has it become so cool, even for those that live in the mighty kingdom of coupledom, to hate Valentine’s Day? If you believe every commercial you ever read, see, or hear you will become convinced Valentine’s Day, like Virginia, is for lovers. I’m sure there are singletons in Virginia that live there happily, and singletons manage to survive Valentine’s Day as well. Movies and love songs, they all makes us feel that we are less somehow WITHOUT VALENTINE. Remember making your Valentine bag in grade school with the cut out construction paper hearts and doilies? How great was that? Really great. Remember buying the box of Valentine’s with just enough for everyone in your class and a special card for your teacher? Admit it, it was fun. If you think you’re too cool to admit it out loud then you can say it privately BUT, I warn you, if you’re think you’re too cool, for pretty much anything, that just shows how truly uncool you are. Sorry, it’s true, pretending to be uber cool is uber transparent, and uber ridiculous, give it up and join the rest of us. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, I know this from experience, I’m not cool, I know it now, neither is anyone else, and I’m a lot happier just being uncool me. True cool lies in admitting to being human . . . and humans love to be loved. We were made to be loved. Adam and Eve were a pair, the animals went on the ark in pairs, and it takes two to tango. We love attention, and cards, and necco candy hearts with goofy messages.
EVERYONE LOVES TO BE LOVED AND EVERYONE WANTS TO BE REMEMBERED ON VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!!!
So, that’s easy. Think about others, give them a card. What if you give and then you end up not receiving? If you’re nice and there is no quid pro quo, that’s ok, you did your best and you have much for which to be proud, and that’s enough. You don’t need a kind response, though it is nice, but you still did the right thing. And, let’s say you did the right thing, big deal, what’s even better is HOW YOU WILL FEEL. I mean it. Let’s say you’re kind to someone and that someone does you dirt. Screw it, you can still feel good about being nice. Being giving, being kind, being loving, is its own reward. Before you decide to paint me as a pansy, hippie, fairy winged, “I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony” gospel spreadin’ weirdo here, just try it. Be nice to someone just because you want to be nice. Not because you may get some reward, not because you may get a compliment, or even a thank you. Do not attach any outcome to the random act of being kind
. . . just be kind. It does feel good. It is its own reward. If you can’t bring yourself to be kind to someone in person (I’ve felt this way, I understand) wish them well as a prayer, or an intention set out in the universe, or whatever it is you do to bestow good tidings. Someone I am aware of, but never met, is out of a job and scared. I have prayed repeatedly for her to get a job, or find her way, or at least be comforted. It feels good and I believe good things will come her way. Not just because of me, of course, but I’d like to believe when she receives the good in her life, I will have at least helped and not hindered. She will never know I prayed for her, but that doesn't matter, the end is still the same.
Lest you think I’m getting off the track of Valentine’s, I’m not. I want to reiterate, it’s a day of love, and love takes on many varied forms. My parents have moved on to the next life but if you think I wouldn’t send them Valentine if I could, you are horribly mistaken. Send your parents Valentine’s. I have a brother who is estranged from our family; many years ago, prior to his departure from our clan, I mailed him a Valentine; he called me and said, in a trying to hold back the tears sort of voice, “this is the only valentine I got this year . . . from anyone, thank you”. Now that I’ve not heard his voice in many years I’m grateful I can still hear that thank you phone call in my head. TELL PEOPLE THEY ARE IMPORTANT, MAIL THEM A STUPID CARD WITH HEARTS, you may never hear their voice again. Maudlin? Perhaps, but I’m happy I sent that card all those years ago. Send cards to your grandparents, your children, your friends, your bartender, barista, hair dresser, assistant, mentor, whomever. Take cookies to a senior housing facility in your neighborhood. Someday we’ll all be old and hope not to be cast aside. Don’t cast people aside. I know I pontificate a lot in this blog (and in person) but imagine you’re sitting in a senior housing facility surrounded by nothing but other seniors in lock down with crappy day time television. Bleak. Now, imagine someone . . . someone you don’t even know, brought in cookies. How happy would that make you? Now that is what valentine’s day is all about.
I always start these stories with good will and good intentions and I always end up getting preachy and telling people what to do. I mean well, it doesn’t always come out so well. Then, I always end up here, feeling bad that I got up on my soap box and told people what to do and how to act. You don’t have to listen to a word I say (or read a word I write), but if you get nothing else from this writing, please, remember to let those who are important to you know they are important . . . unabashedly.
Be Mine, U R 2 Cute 2 B 4 Gotten, Love U, Cutie Pie
Thank you for reading my blog, thank you for all the comments I receive from all of you (both public and private), you’re all important to me.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!
-Richard Rodgers & Lorenz Hart
People hate Valentine’s Day. It’s a popular day for hatred, it’s what the cool kids do. Me though, I’m not very cool and I love it, Valentine’s Day I mean; I don’t necessarily love not being very cool, but I accept it. Valentine’s Day, though, with its homemade cards, necco candy hearts with goofy messages, red frosted cupcakes, what’s not to love? I don’t believe people actually hate it, it’s just become very hip to hate Valentine’s Day, even for those who are With Valentine. I am not hip, I’m not “in the know” enough to hate much of anything. Sure, it reflects poorly on my ability to dress fashionably but, if you know me, you know I don’t really care. You should see what I’m wearing now, truly awful . . . but, ya know, whatever.
In my 47 years of this particular life I have spent significantly more years Without Valentine than I have With Valentine, but so what? Being without a significant other doesn’t mean you don’t have loved ones. Valentines from friends and family have significance. I love getting cards and hugs and necco candy hearts with goofy messages and cupcakes from anyone and everyone, who loves me (and I’ll be honest, even if you don’t love me I’ll take a cupcake from you). I love giving cards and hugs and necco candy heart with goofy messages and cupcakes to anyone, everyone I love. It’s not a day of couples and marrieds and significant others, it’s a day of love. I love my friends. I love my cousin (hi Judy!), I love my cats, I love my siblings, and, it’s no secret, I love the Black Dog (to whom I would never give anything as unhealthy for his system as necco candy hearts with goofy messages).
So let’s examine, why hate a day set aside for love? Why has it become so cool, even for those that live in the mighty kingdom of coupledom, to hate Valentine’s Day? If you believe every commercial you ever read, see, or hear you will become convinced Valentine’s Day, like Virginia, is for lovers. I’m sure there are singletons in Virginia that live there happily, and singletons manage to survive Valentine’s Day as well. Movies and love songs, they all makes us feel that we are less somehow WITHOUT VALENTINE. Remember making your Valentine bag in grade school with the cut out construction paper hearts and doilies? How great was that? Really great. Remember buying the box of Valentine’s with just enough for everyone in your class and a special card for your teacher? Admit it, it was fun. If you think you’re too cool to admit it out loud then you can say it privately BUT, I warn you, if you’re think you’re too cool, for pretty much anything, that just shows how truly uncool you are. Sorry, it’s true, pretending to be uber cool is uber transparent, and uber ridiculous, give it up and join the rest of us. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, I know this from experience, I’m not cool, I know it now, neither is anyone else, and I’m a lot happier just being uncool me. True cool lies in admitting to being human . . . and humans love to be loved. We were made to be loved. Adam and Eve were a pair, the animals went on the ark in pairs, and it takes two to tango. We love attention, and cards, and necco candy hearts with goofy messages.
EVERYONE LOVES TO BE LOVED AND EVERYONE WANTS TO BE REMEMBERED ON VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!!!
So, that’s easy. Think about others, give them a card. What if you give and then you end up not receiving? If you’re nice and there is no quid pro quo, that’s ok, you did your best and you have much for which to be proud, and that’s enough. You don’t need a kind response, though it is nice, but you still did the right thing. And, let’s say you did the right thing, big deal, what’s even better is HOW YOU WILL FEEL. I mean it. Let’s say you’re kind to someone and that someone does you dirt. Screw it, you can still feel good about being nice. Being giving, being kind, being loving, is its own reward. Before you decide to paint me as a pansy, hippie, fairy winged, “I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony” gospel spreadin’ weirdo here, just try it. Be nice to someone just because you want to be nice. Not because you may get some reward, not because you may get a compliment, or even a thank you. Do not attach any outcome to the random act of being kind
. . . just be kind. It does feel good. It is its own reward. If you can’t bring yourself to be kind to someone in person (I’ve felt this way, I understand) wish them well as a prayer, or an intention set out in the universe, or whatever it is you do to bestow good tidings. Someone I am aware of, but never met, is out of a job and scared. I have prayed repeatedly for her to get a job, or find her way, or at least be comforted. It feels good and I believe good things will come her way. Not just because of me, of course, but I’d like to believe when she receives the good in her life, I will have at least helped and not hindered. She will never know I prayed for her, but that doesn't matter, the end is still the same.
Lest you think I’m getting off the track of Valentine’s, I’m not. I want to reiterate, it’s a day of love, and love takes on many varied forms. My parents have moved on to the next life but if you think I wouldn’t send them Valentine if I could, you are horribly mistaken. Send your parents Valentine’s. I have a brother who is estranged from our family; many years ago, prior to his departure from our clan, I mailed him a Valentine; he called me and said, in a trying to hold back the tears sort of voice, “this is the only valentine I got this year . . . from anyone, thank you”. Now that I’ve not heard his voice in many years I’m grateful I can still hear that thank you phone call in my head. TELL PEOPLE THEY ARE IMPORTANT, MAIL THEM A STUPID CARD WITH HEARTS, you may never hear their voice again. Maudlin? Perhaps, but I’m happy I sent that card all those years ago. Send cards to your grandparents, your children, your friends, your bartender, barista, hair dresser, assistant, mentor, whomever. Take cookies to a senior housing facility in your neighborhood. Someday we’ll all be old and hope not to be cast aside. Don’t cast people aside. I know I pontificate a lot in this blog (and in person) but imagine you’re sitting in a senior housing facility surrounded by nothing but other seniors in lock down with crappy day time television. Bleak. Now, imagine someone . . . someone you don’t even know, brought in cookies. How happy would that make you? Now that is what valentine’s day is all about.
I always start these stories with good will and good intentions and I always end up getting preachy and telling people what to do. I mean well, it doesn’t always come out so well. Then, I always end up here, feeling bad that I got up on my soap box and told people what to do and how to act. You don’t have to listen to a word I say (or read a word I write), but if you get nothing else from this writing, please, remember to let those who are important to you know they are important . . . unabashedly.
Be Mine, U R 2 Cute 2 B 4 Gotten, Love U, Cutie Pie
Thank you for reading my blog, thank you for all the comments I receive from all of you (both public and private), you’re all important to me.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Happy
If I go out in the morning snow in my pajamas and my winter coat, and take from the house our darker thoughts, and take away the memory of loss, and if I drop them in the snow, will we never find them anymore?
-The Innocence Mission
I have set some goals for myself for the year 2011. Some seem very big and important, others are smaller with less of a “wowza” factor, hopefully all are attainable. One of my goals is to be happy . . . no matter what. Happiness is so easily found at times. Right now I look at my two sleeping cats and feel peaceful and content that we are all home on a snowy Sunday night having a little quiet time. I’m wearing flannel jammies and eating chocolate almonds. How can I not be content, peaceful, happy? Sometimes though, harmony and feeling the milk of human kindness flow through you is a bit more challenging. As I mentioned in December’s blog, when you ask for something, let’s take feeling happy for example, you will get many, many, many chances to test that theory, drive the point home, and learn that lesson. As soon as I decided to be happy some decidedly UNhappy things happened in my life. I’m not talking about missing a bus or breaking a nail. I’m talking about a couple of things that have brought me to my knees spewing out guttural cries and tears. How can I be happy in the face of this pain? But then I realized, I could ask that question rhetorically (and throw in a little dramatic flair) or . . . I could really ask that question and find an answer. Why did I have to run into the last person in the world I want to see right as I decided to be happy? Because I decided to be happy, that’s why. I realized that I don’t have to give all the power in my life over to other people and situations beyond my control. I own my happiness. Happiness is a choice and my happiness is my responsibility. I can harbor bad feelings, I can point fingers, I can blame misfortune and sad tales of woe on someone else, and claim that I was happy until that one person did that one thing and then that other thing happened and then there was that whole domino effect and my personal empire came tumbling down like Jericho and now everything is their fault. I know I can do this because I’ve done it. I can promise you that just gets you (and me) a whole buncha nuthin’. So, I’ve decided to stop allowing other people to have so much say in how I feel. People will still affect my life of course. The way I am treated by others and the things they say will still make me happy or sad or overwhelmed or underwhelmed but the change I want to enact is acknowledging and moving on. Yes, that totally sucked that you ignored me. Yes, it hurt to be forgotten. Wow, I can’t believe I didn’t get invited to that party. Yes, when I reached out to you and you turned your back it hurt. Yes, burning my tongue on magma hot coffee hurt like a sonuvabitch. All these things will pass, I’m choosing to let them pass by more quickly and not keep them close at hand. And really, what else can you do anyway?
So here’s the great part, it’s unbelievably freeing! It’s like losing weight. You lose the chip on your shoulder, the monkey on your back, the . . . the . . . the . . . , I think I’m out of clichés here. Anyway, your life is free to just move on, happy and unencumbered, like water flowing over a rock. There are moments when sorrow tries to come back for another visit, if you want to let it in for a minute or two that’s ok. Invite it in for a beer and sit with it, chat with it a bit, but don’t let it stay. Send it home . . . soon. It hasn’t come back to make you feel good, it came back because without your misery it has no life. You breathe life into either happiness or sadness and you can decide which one you want to spend more time with. Your life is not someone else’s responsibility; don’t put that burden on another person. Sure, other people can hurt you. When it happens let them know, talk it out, hug it out, duke it out, dance it out, and then move on. What if they don’t want to talk? You can’t help that. Shelve it and maybe it can come out at a better time or maybe it’s just time to leave it. Sounds crappy doesn’t it? But you know what’s happy about it? You can stop being hurt, you can stop blaming someone else, and you can stop giving someone else control in your life. Whoever your “someone else” is will probably appreciate it too, they’re sick of taking your (my) blame. People are still going to hurt you, but you have the remote control to your own life. Sometimes ego and fear get in the way of openness and love only to undermine our peace and happiness. There are times when we are justified in our hurt and anger, so we fiercely dig our heels in because forgiveness and letting go would seem to condone bad behavior. We want our trespassers to pay for their trespasses. But listen, the only person who really pays is the person still holding the ransom note for happiness out for someone else to pay. Someone much wiser than I once said “Blame is a sad man’s game”. It really is.
And think of all the small happiness’ in everyday life. C’mon people, I’m eating chocolate almonds right now! How ridiculously awesome is that?! I’m wearing flannel jammies and eating chocolate almonds all while sitting in a fantastic new (used) chair that I got from Craigs list for a lousy $20. That is awesome. I have purple sneakers. Heck yes I do! Purple! I may go put them on right now just so I can look at them. You know what else I have? I have happy memories, even from people that have, at times, hurt me. I can think of so many happy times in my head right now with people that are no longer in my life . . . and those thoughts bring me a lot of joy. I don’t like to use silly, overused phrases like “I can complain that rose bushes have thorns or I can rejoice that thorn bushes have roses” (cheesy) but that’s what I’m getting at here. I can be pissy if I want, but bleck, that’s just no fun and it doesn’t suit my flannel jammie wearin’, chocolate almond eatin’, new (used) chair sittin’ happiness. Life really is good, even when situations seemingly suck. When someone leaves, someone new is on their way. When you lose a job, a better one is coming. When you get a traffic ticket . . . I haven’t figured out the good part of that, but I guess you could be happy that you’re able to pay it? When you get a cold you get to lay on the couch watching movies all day long, totally guilt free. Besides, being happy is so good for your skin and your digestion and your sleep. When you’re happy and you know it then your face will surely show it (clap your hands). And happy people are about a million times more pleasant to be around than crabby pants people. Don’t be a crabby pants.
Be sad when you need to be, it’s ok. And then drop it, feel the peaceful calm feeling deep in your belly, remember how awesome you are and move on.
Well, I’m a happy boy (happy boy)
Well, I’m a happy boy (happy boy)
Oh, ain’t it good when things are goin’ your way? Hey hey
-The Beat Farmers
Feelin' so good this entry got two lyrics.
-The Innocence Mission
I have set some goals for myself for the year 2011. Some seem very big and important, others are smaller with less of a “wowza” factor, hopefully all are attainable. One of my goals is to be happy . . . no matter what. Happiness is so easily found at times. Right now I look at my two sleeping cats and feel peaceful and content that we are all home on a snowy Sunday night having a little quiet time. I’m wearing flannel jammies and eating chocolate almonds. How can I not be content, peaceful, happy? Sometimes though, harmony and feeling the milk of human kindness flow through you is a bit more challenging. As I mentioned in December’s blog, when you ask for something, let’s take feeling happy for example, you will get many, many, many chances to test that theory, drive the point home, and learn that lesson. As soon as I decided to be happy some decidedly UNhappy things happened in my life. I’m not talking about missing a bus or breaking a nail. I’m talking about a couple of things that have brought me to my knees spewing out guttural cries and tears. How can I be happy in the face of this pain? But then I realized, I could ask that question rhetorically (and throw in a little dramatic flair) or . . . I could really ask that question and find an answer. Why did I have to run into the last person in the world I want to see right as I decided to be happy? Because I decided to be happy, that’s why. I realized that I don’t have to give all the power in my life over to other people and situations beyond my control. I own my happiness. Happiness is a choice and my happiness is my responsibility. I can harbor bad feelings, I can point fingers, I can blame misfortune and sad tales of woe on someone else, and claim that I was happy until that one person did that one thing and then that other thing happened and then there was that whole domino effect and my personal empire came tumbling down like Jericho and now everything is their fault. I know I can do this because I’ve done it. I can promise you that just gets you (and me) a whole buncha nuthin’. So, I’ve decided to stop allowing other people to have so much say in how I feel. People will still affect my life of course. The way I am treated by others and the things they say will still make me happy or sad or overwhelmed or underwhelmed but the change I want to enact is acknowledging and moving on. Yes, that totally sucked that you ignored me. Yes, it hurt to be forgotten. Wow, I can’t believe I didn’t get invited to that party. Yes, when I reached out to you and you turned your back it hurt. Yes, burning my tongue on magma hot coffee hurt like a sonuvabitch. All these things will pass, I’m choosing to let them pass by more quickly and not keep them close at hand. And really, what else can you do anyway?
So here’s the great part, it’s unbelievably freeing! It’s like losing weight. You lose the chip on your shoulder, the monkey on your back, the . . . the . . . the . . . , I think I’m out of clichés here. Anyway, your life is free to just move on, happy and unencumbered, like water flowing over a rock. There are moments when sorrow tries to come back for another visit, if you want to let it in for a minute or two that’s ok. Invite it in for a beer and sit with it, chat with it a bit, but don’t let it stay. Send it home . . . soon. It hasn’t come back to make you feel good, it came back because without your misery it has no life. You breathe life into either happiness or sadness and you can decide which one you want to spend more time with. Your life is not someone else’s responsibility; don’t put that burden on another person. Sure, other people can hurt you. When it happens let them know, talk it out, hug it out, duke it out, dance it out, and then move on. What if they don’t want to talk? You can’t help that. Shelve it and maybe it can come out at a better time or maybe it’s just time to leave it. Sounds crappy doesn’t it? But you know what’s happy about it? You can stop being hurt, you can stop blaming someone else, and you can stop giving someone else control in your life. Whoever your “someone else” is will probably appreciate it too, they’re sick of taking your (my) blame. People are still going to hurt you, but you have the remote control to your own life. Sometimes ego and fear get in the way of openness and love only to undermine our peace and happiness. There are times when we are justified in our hurt and anger, so we fiercely dig our heels in because forgiveness and letting go would seem to condone bad behavior. We want our trespassers to pay for their trespasses. But listen, the only person who really pays is the person still holding the ransom note for happiness out for someone else to pay. Someone much wiser than I once said “Blame is a sad man’s game”. It really is.
And think of all the small happiness’ in everyday life. C’mon people, I’m eating chocolate almonds right now! How ridiculously awesome is that?! I’m wearing flannel jammies and eating chocolate almonds all while sitting in a fantastic new (used) chair that I got from Craigs list for a lousy $20. That is awesome. I have purple sneakers. Heck yes I do! Purple! I may go put them on right now just so I can look at them. You know what else I have? I have happy memories, even from people that have, at times, hurt me. I can think of so many happy times in my head right now with people that are no longer in my life . . . and those thoughts bring me a lot of joy. I don’t like to use silly, overused phrases like “I can complain that rose bushes have thorns or I can rejoice that thorn bushes have roses” (cheesy) but that’s what I’m getting at here. I can be pissy if I want, but bleck, that’s just no fun and it doesn’t suit my flannel jammie wearin’, chocolate almond eatin’, new (used) chair sittin’ happiness. Life really is good, even when situations seemingly suck. When someone leaves, someone new is on their way. When you lose a job, a better one is coming. When you get a traffic ticket . . . I haven’t figured out the good part of that, but I guess you could be happy that you’re able to pay it? When you get a cold you get to lay on the couch watching movies all day long, totally guilt free. Besides, being happy is so good for your skin and your digestion and your sleep. When you’re happy and you know it then your face will surely show it (clap your hands). And happy people are about a million times more pleasant to be around than crabby pants people. Don’t be a crabby pants.
Be sad when you need to be, it’s ok. And then drop it, feel the peaceful calm feeling deep in your belly, remember how awesome you are and move on.
Well, I’m a happy boy (happy boy)
Well, I’m a happy boy (happy boy)
Oh, ain’t it good when things are goin’ your way? Hey hey
-The Beat Farmers
Feelin' so good this entry got two lyrics.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Saint T
Christmas time is here, we'll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see, such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see, such spirit through the year...
-“Christmas Time” from the Peanuts “A Charlie Brown Christmas” (envision Snoopy skating solo on a frozen pond)
I love Christmas. I couldn’t always say that and now that I can, boy oh boy it’s so true! I have lights in my house and stockings and I’m hoping to find a lovely tree this weekend. I have learned to love Christmas after giving up the notion of the perfect Christmas. Just the lights alone make me happy. The holidays are also the time of year when you open your mailbox and everyday there is a new plea for money. The local food bank and the homeless shelter need money. The United Way needs brand new toys donated. Brand new toys, by the way, are not free. With each and every one my heart breaks as I know I will have to pick and choose who gets a donation. I don’t have enough to donate to all of them, oh but if I did . . . and my plan is that someday I will. The most inviting thing about the dream of financial comfort is how much can be done with it. Someday I will put money in every one of those return envelopes; until that day though, I have to let them all pile up and decide.
When I was a little girl I told my father that when I grew up I was going to have a store where everything would be free, that way all the poor people can come in and have all the things they need. My father gave me a quick lesson on civics and capitalism by letting me know my store would not work; it would go out of business and therefore help no one. I would be broke and those who are already broke would not have learned how to help themselves, better to have a store for profit and employ those who need a way to survive. Hmmmmmmm, I muttered while stroking my chin and adding this all up. When I was in high school and we took those tests to see what career would suit us each best. I was always supposed to be a social worker or a counselor or a special education teacher. Seems I’m hard wired to be a bleeding heart. That’s ok with me, I like it. The Black Dogs Dad has pointed out to me more than twice that I am a crier, indeed it’s true.
As you may have heard, our country is in financial shambles. Have you heard that? It’s not just a rumor. Money is not circulating because it is in short supply and everyone is scared. One of the basic rules of a sustainable society is that money must circulate. If I give my money to Safeway and they just hoard it that doesn’t do anyone any good. Safeway has to “pay it forward” so to speak. I give my money to Safeway, Safeway gives their money to the electric company, the electric company pays their taxes, taxes pay for our roads to be cleared so that when we have a snow storm we can all go out to Safeway and keep Safeway, as well as some farmers, in business. It’s a chain and every link is important. SPEND YOUR MONEY, but spend it wisely please.
Here’s the kicker though, right now there are people who are spending their money wisely and are still falling more and more behind. So tonight, as my dearest friend, my closest soul mate, my rock in so many watery times in my life, as this person I love so very much cries on the phone and says to me “We will lose our house by this spring if something doesn’t change”, my heart dropped . . . broke open . . . and bled out. My own life is instantly prioritized, nothing I am dealing with matches the pain my friend has . . . and that’s good because I am able to put anything in my life aside to sit on the phone and cry with her. My friend’s life is not frivolous. In fact she is one of the most frugal and financially savvy people I know. Yet, a pox on our country has seethed and oozed its way into my friends home and is threatening to squeeze the life out, threatening to oust the laughter of a small boy and two loyal furry companions. Her wedding reception was held in the back yard. Her baby shower was in the front room. A surprise party for my 40th birthday was held in this very house. Brunch after the baby’s christening. This house is full of Christmases, Hanukkahs, Thanksgivings, Easters, birthdays, skinned knees, burned toast, fights, and love. Yet in all of this, as we cry on the phone together, she says to me “I know that whatever happens God has a plan for me and it will be ok. I know that whatever happens will be the best thing for my family”. My friend is scared. My friend is sad. My friend does not understand why this is being visited upon her and still, my friend is unwavering in her belief of good over evil. Yes Wells Fargo, I mean you. We bailed you out and now you can’t help people? Shame on you. You know how much the CEO of Wells Fargo made last year? Well I’ll tell ya about Mr. John Stumpf. I looked him up online and here’s what Forbes had to say, in 2009 his total earnings were $21,340,547.00. Please note I said TOTAL earnings. His salary is a mere five and a half million. That’s a damn big number, lots and lots of zero’s that are worth much more than nothing. I don’t begrudge him his money. I really don’t and I’m sure he probably donates a lot of his money to charity and he may be the gosh darn nicest person ever, but right now Wells Fargo will not do anything to help my friend and many others just like her. She pays her bills on time and in full every month but their income has changed, as it has for so many just like them. They are living with the same amount of accounts payables but significantly less receivables . . . but no refinance help. No money circulating, just money staying, just hoarding. Am I biased? HELL YES I’M BIASED! JOHN STUMPF, HELP MY FRIEND YOU GODDAMNED ASSHOLE! This is what’s great about a blog. It’s mine, I can say whatever I want. And don’t worry about the severe cursing, I have asked God to damn many things and he always says "No". We have an agreement, I get to say “God damn it” and He gets to say “No, I will not. Now please try to act a little more ladylike, even if it’s only acting”.
I recently finished reading a book by Marianne Williamson entitled “A Return To Love”. It’s self help-y, it’s spiritual bordering on preachy, but it was also enlightening – which I believe is the point. I love self help books, seriously, I love ‘em, but you have to know which parts you can keep in your life and which parts to throw out with both the baby and the bath water. One of the many things I took away from this book is the whole screwed up notion of miracles. We ask our chosen deity for a miracle and we think the heavens will part, seraphim will weep, children will sing and suddenly all will be right with the world and we will graciously go on about our merry way. How many times have you ever not gotten something you wanted and then, in hindsight, said “Thank God that didn’t happen”? Losing a friend, a job, a relationship, a missed plane, a missed boat, and maybe even losing a house, can all be miracles. When you ask for a miracle YOU WILL GET IT, but it may not be quite what you were expecting. And often times they really are messy, because if you’re in a place of needing a miracle chances are pretty good you need an overhaul. Lots of things may need to get cleared up, buckle up and trust that good things are on their way, they are just sometimes preceded by bad things. It’s like exfoliating, it’s a life loofah. (I’m crackin’ myself up with that one, life loofah).
So, let’s roll on back to the spirit of the holidays. Remember that? That’s where we started this story. You’re getting all those envelopes in the mail too. I know there’s a lot going on this time of year. You have plane tickets to buy and gifts to gift and you may want some new party shoes (who doesn’t?) but listen, stop a minute and think back on all the good things that came your way this past year. Stop to enjoy all the good in your life. This story isn’t meant to convince you to give, but please do if you can. This story isn’t meant to make you feel badly about new party shoes, this story is meant to make you (and me) see just how much good there is in your life . . . and in my life. If you went on a trip, even a small one, you have a lot. If you went to see your favorite band, if you got yourself a nice new pair of $20 Smartwool socks, you’re livin’ pretty large. Today I drove my nearly eleven year old car to work as I always do, and it got me there and back safely, as it always does. I have friends that hear me out during my sad times and share my good times with me. When I walked in the door tonight my two furry, lovey kitties greeted me at the door, as they always do. I am blessed in my life, as are you. Please remember to be grateful and if you can give a little something, well then, even better.
Happy holidays everyone!
Oh, that we could always see, such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see, such spirit through the year...
-“Christmas Time” from the Peanuts “A Charlie Brown Christmas” (envision Snoopy skating solo on a frozen pond)
I love Christmas. I couldn’t always say that and now that I can, boy oh boy it’s so true! I have lights in my house and stockings and I’m hoping to find a lovely tree this weekend. I have learned to love Christmas after giving up the notion of the perfect Christmas. Just the lights alone make me happy. The holidays are also the time of year when you open your mailbox and everyday there is a new plea for money. The local food bank and the homeless shelter need money. The United Way needs brand new toys donated. Brand new toys, by the way, are not free. With each and every one my heart breaks as I know I will have to pick and choose who gets a donation. I don’t have enough to donate to all of them, oh but if I did . . . and my plan is that someday I will. The most inviting thing about the dream of financial comfort is how much can be done with it. Someday I will put money in every one of those return envelopes; until that day though, I have to let them all pile up and decide.
When I was a little girl I told my father that when I grew up I was going to have a store where everything would be free, that way all the poor people can come in and have all the things they need. My father gave me a quick lesson on civics and capitalism by letting me know my store would not work; it would go out of business and therefore help no one. I would be broke and those who are already broke would not have learned how to help themselves, better to have a store for profit and employ those who need a way to survive. Hmmmmmmm, I muttered while stroking my chin and adding this all up. When I was in high school and we took those tests to see what career would suit us each best. I was always supposed to be a social worker or a counselor or a special education teacher. Seems I’m hard wired to be a bleeding heart. That’s ok with me, I like it. The Black Dogs Dad has pointed out to me more than twice that I am a crier, indeed it’s true.
As you may have heard, our country is in financial shambles. Have you heard that? It’s not just a rumor. Money is not circulating because it is in short supply and everyone is scared. One of the basic rules of a sustainable society is that money must circulate. If I give my money to Safeway and they just hoard it that doesn’t do anyone any good. Safeway has to “pay it forward” so to speak. I give my money to Safeway, Safeway gives their money to the electric company, the electric company pays their taxes, taxes pay for our roads to be cleared so that when we have a snow storm we can all go out to Safeway and keep Safeway, as well as some farmers, in business. It’s a chain and every link is important. SPEND YOUR MONEY, but spend it wisely please.
Here’s the kicker though, right now there are people who are spending their money wisely and are still falling more and more behind. So tonight, as my dearest friend, my closest soul mate, my rock in so many watery times in my life, as this person I love so very much cries on the phone and says to me “We will lose our house by this spring if something doesn’t change”, my heart dropped . . . broke open . . . and bled out. My own life is instantly prioritized, nothing I am dealing with matches the pain my friend has . . . and that’s good because I am able to put anything in my life aside to sit on the phone and cry with her. My friend’s life is not frivolous. In fact she is one of the most frugal and financially savvy people I know. Yet, a pox on our country has seethed and oozed its way into my friends home and is threatening to squeeze the life out, threatening to oust the laughter of a small boy and two loyal furry companions. Her wedding reception was held in the back yard. Her baby shower was in the front room. A surprise party for my 40th birthday was held in this very house. Brunch after the baby’s christening. This house is full of Christmases, Hanukkahs, Thanksgivings, Easters, birthdays, skinned knees, burned toast, fights, and love. Yet in all of this, as we cry on the phone together, she says to me “I know that whatever happens God has a plan for me and it will be ok. I know that whatever happens will be the best thing for my family”. My friend is scared. My friend is sad. My friend does not understand why this is being visited upon her and still, my friend is unwavering in her belief of good over evil. Yes Wells Fargo, I mean you. We bailed you out and now you can’t help people? Shame on you. You know how much the CEO of Wells Fargo made last year? Well I’ll tell ya about Mr. John Stumpf. I looked him up online and here’s what Forbes had to say, in 2009 his total earnings were $21,340,547.00. Please note I said TOTAL earnings. His salary is a mere five and a half million. That’s a damn big number, lots and lots of zero’s that are worth much more than nothing. I don’t begrudge him his money. I really don’t and I’m sure he probably donates a lot of his money to charity and he may be the gosh darn nicest person ever, but right now Wells Fargo will not do anything to help my friend and many others just like her. She pays her bills on time and in full every month but their income has changed, as it has for so many just like them. They are living with the same amount of accounts payables but significantly less receivables . . . but no refinance help. No money circulating, just money staying, just hoarding. Am I biased? HELL YES I’M BIASED! JOHN STUMPF, HELP MY FRIEND YOU GODDAMNED ASSHOLE! This is what’s great about a blog. It’s mine, I can say whatever I want. And don’t worry about the severe cursing, I have asked God to damn many things and he always says "No". We have an agreement, I get to say “God damn it” and He gets to say “No, I will not. Now please try to act a little more ladylike, even if it’s only acting”.
I recently finished reading a book by Marianne Williamson entitled “A Return To Love”. It’s self help-y, it’s spiritual bordering on preachy, but it was also enlightening – which I believe is the point. I love self help books, seriously, I love ‘em, but you have to know which parts you can keep in your life and which parts to throw out with both the baby and the bath water. One of the many things I took away from this book is the whole screwed up notion of miracles. We ask our chosen deity for a miracle and we think the heavens will part, seraphim will weep, children will sing and suddenly all will be right with the world and we will graciously go on about our merry way. How many times have you ever not gotten something you wanted and then, in hindsight, said “Thank God that didn’t happen”? Losing a friend, a job, a relationship, a missed plane, a missed boat, and maybe even losing a house, can all be miracles. When you ask for a miracle YOU WILL GET IT, but it may not be quite what you were expecting. And often times they really are messy, because if you’re in a place of needing a miracle chances are pretty good you need an overhaul. Lots of things may need to get cleared up, buckle up and trust that good things are on their way, they are just sometimes preceded by bad things. It’s like exfoliating, it’s a life loofah. (I’m crackin’ myself up with that one, life loofah).
So, let’s roll on back to the spirit of the holidays. Remember that? That’s where we started this story. You’re getting all those envelopes in the mail too. I know there’s a lot going on this time of year. You have plane tickets to buy and gifts to gift and you may want some new party shoes (who doesn’t?) but listen, stop a minute and think back on all the good things that came your way this past year. Stop to enjoy all the good in your life. This story isn’t meant to convince you to give, but please do if you can. This story isn’t meant to make you feel badly about new party shoes, this story is meant to make you (and me) see just how much good there is in your life . . . and in my life. If you went on a trip, even a small one, you have a lot. If you went to see your favorite band, if you got yourself a nice new pair of $20 Smartwool socks, you’re livin’ pretty large. Today I drove my nearly eleven year old car to work as I always do, and it got me there and back safely, as it always does. I have friends that hear me out during my sad times and share my good times with me. When I walked in the door tonight my two furry, lovey kitties greeted me at the door, as they always do. I am blessed in my life, as are you. Please remember to be grateful and if you can give a little something, well then, even better.
Happy holidays everyone!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say, Come Sit By Me
I'll take off my disguise, the mask you met me in 'cuz I got something for you to see.
Just gimme your skeleton, give me the skin it's in, yeah baby, this is you according to me.
I never avert my eyes, I never compromise, so never mind the poetry
Ani DiFranco
In another story I wrote a little bit about people avoiding conflict. In this story I’m going to touch on that again, but mostly this is about having uncomfortable conversations and truth telling in general . . . and it has been a hard story to write. Probably the worst piece of crap I’ve ever written but, so far, I would say the most poignant.
Movies and books and magazines give us the idea that life should always be perfect and pretty. What prepares us for the less than optimal times in life? What shows us how to have some very difficult conversations and know that just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean it’s bad? Watching our parents? Fighting with our siblings? Belief in a higher power? Years of 50 minute hours in a therapists office? Maybe all of these things, overwhelmingly though, people tend to avoid what’s not pretty because ugly and awkward is . . . you know, ugly and awkward. In my stories I tend to get preachy but I want to assure you the only reason I even have these stories is through my own epic failures . . . EPIC failures.
Communication is always best and telling the truth is always best. Both can be hard. Telling the truth can make you feel so afraid and vulnerable, particularly when you know the person to whom you’re speaking doesn’t want to hear it. Trust me though, they want the truth more than they want a lie. A lie makes a tense situation even worse and people, when you lie, it’s obvious. You may as well have a neon sign above your head with an arrow pointing down that says “I AM LYING RIGHT NOW”. But, when you tell the truth, even when it hurts, then both parties can begin to move forward together. It’s the only fair thing to do. I recall a time a couple of years ago when a friend of mine looked me in the eye and told me one of the most outrageous lies I’ve ever heard in my life. Really, I almost laughed out loud. I was also a bit insulted that someone thought I was so stupid as to believe such a tale. Nonetheless, I let it go. My friend knows he lied, he knows that I know he lied. What can ya do? Well, you can find people that value the truth and real communication but we all say we do. Do we really? My friend is still my friend. He lied because the truth (which I already knew) would have hurt me and he knows me well enough to know that my reaction was not going to be something he felt like dealing with. It’s not necessarily ok, I was very hurt, but I do understand. It’s hard to hurt people and it’s hard to know their reaction is going to be, shall we say, a bit fiery. But here’s where we get into the topic of uncomfortable conversations. Yes, the truth would have been hard on me, but not as hard being lied to, we needed the uncomfortable conversation. We needed to get it said and then move forward in our friendship together. I should point out here that other than hiding the truth, my friend was not doing anything wrong, I just didn’t happen to like what he was doing and the pained part of me wanted to say “Hey, you can’t pull the wool over my eyes, I know what you’re doing. I KNOW! WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS AND YOU KEEP SECRETS FROM ME? HOW DARE YOU?!” So, you see why he might not have wanted to be totally up front with me? I’d like to think I would have been slightly more noble than that, but then being noble wouldn't really have been truthful. See how hard it is? You gotta tell the truth, ya gotta. And me, maybe I need to learn to be a little more accepting. Nonetheless, life is fraught with uncomfortable conversations and we need to have them and I will indeed be talking about being a good recipient of the truth as well as being a truth teller. Both sides people, both sides, it’s about valuing the truth by speaking it and hearing it. If you were mentally pointing a finger at someone else, now is the time to stop.
Saying what needs to be said is scary sometimes. You’re standing there muttering these words and cringing or crying with every syllable and you feel vulnerable, embarrassed, and so very afraid. What if I show my real self in this moment and the person to whom I’m speaking raises their hands in disgust and horror and walks away? What am I risking by showing my true inner self? If this person knows who I really am I’ll be shamed and shunned from the herd. So much at stake, so much to risk. Well, what if that person does recoil in horror and walk away? It will hurt, but let them go. Likely it’s not so much their judgment of you as of themselves. I dunno, I’m guessing. I’m fumbling through this entire story because it really is hard to talk about tough stuff. I’d rather talk about unicorns and pots of gold and rainbows, but who wouldn’t? That’s why I’m writing this story.
Uncomfortable conversations and situations are building blocks that create a strong foundation. I think of the few people in life that know everything about me, that have seen me at my worst, and still love me. I have developed closer bonds with these people because they know my weaknesses, my frailties, my faults, and they love me. Not in spite of, not except for, they love ALL of me. There is nothing I could tell Therese about me that would make her look away in disgust and say “That’s it, friendship off”. There are times when, as a good friend, she may say “Wow, not the wisest choice you’ve ever made but ok, let’s talk about this”. I think of all the horror stories from my youth that I unloaded on Steve Whittier and he never, ever walked away and said “Wow, you’re gross. I only liked you when you were pretty and fun. Now you’re not so pretty and you're bordering on crazy.” Several years ago my friend Michele told me that she and her man had just had a disagreement but they talked about it and everything was fine. Oh you heard me, they TALKED about it, and some uncomfortable things were said. I imagine some terse words were exchanged BUT, each voiced their opinion, each listened to what the other had to say (WHAT?!) and she said “Of course we got over it and moved on and, as always after a disagreement, our relationship is stronger now.” I was stunned into silence. Their bond grew and became stronger because they HAD A DIFFICULT CONVERSATION, THE AIR HAD BEEN CLEARED HONESTLY, AND NO ONE GOT UP AND WALKED OUT ON THE OTHER ONE. What the F? This is the nature of true intimacy. Knowing that you can fillet yourself wide open and let the other person look inside at all the not so pleasant parts of you and that those not so pretty parts will be accepted and, in fact, even loved. We hear that misery loves company, because it’s comforting to know that it’s not just you. When you’re crying like you’ve lost your puppy and snot is slinging out your nose and you’re rubbing it on the back of your arm and confessing to that time you kicked a kid in school it’s horrifying, but then, oh yes then, your partner, friend, spouse, parent, sibling shines a beacon of light on you and says “You know what? When I was a kid I stole a dollar from my mom” and suddenly you have reached true intimacy nirvana because neither of you is perfect. What’s more comforting than that? Telling the truth seems frightening because we think everyone else has done everything right all the time and we have done everything wrong all the time. Not true my friends. Take comfort, we all suck sometimes.
And now we come to the other side, the listening to the truth side. Speaking the truth is scary, hearing the truth can really hurt and I have failed, failed, failed at times on both sides. There have been times I’ve been so busy pointing out fault in others that I have not been good at listening to what others have to say. Pointing a finger outward is a thinly veiled distraction to get focus off of ourselves. “I’d never lie to you!” Well, that may be true but have I been a safe harbor for you? Have I made our relationship a place where you can feel safe saying what you need to say? I’m shamed and saddened to admit I have not. I have been quite deficient at accepting some people as they are. How can I expect anyone to care for the weakest parts of me when I only accept the best and most beautiful parts of them? And yet, I am most comforted by people who are real. I am a bundle of imperfection so I don’t really want to hang with anyone who doesn’t have some flaws as well, I can’t live up to that! I don’t want to live up to that. I want someone who knows what it’s like to be imperfect.
The hearing part of an uncomfortable conversation is mortifying. It can feel like an attack, even when the most graceful and gracious words are used. You want to jump to your own defense and say “well you did that one thing and then you did that other thing and that’s way worse”. Maybe, but now isn’t the time. Or you listen politely, wordlessly, until you get your chance to say “Hmmmm, yes, I’ll take that into consideration, thank you so much for your enlightening view point”, then roll your eyes and move on. This is a successful and cunning avoidance. It appears you’ve listened but only because you haven’t spoken. I’m talking about uncomfortable CONVERSATIONS, you know, between two people, where they discuss openly and as a team try to reach some sort of happy conclusion. Uncomfortable, by the way, is not always an attack, what if you’re saying something really nice to someone who is about to break up with you? Wow, that’s an uncomfortable conversation in the works. What if you’re saying something really beautiful to someone who is squirming to get away and just doesn’t want to hear it? Awkward. But sometimes in life we have to hear things, as difficult and ego bruising as it is. We need to let our friends know that they can show us their less than beautiful parts just as we want them to see ours. It’s hard, I know it’s hard. And we need to have good friends by being good friends and letting them feel that they can come to you, or to me, and say “This isn’t good, you may not like it, will you listen anyway?” You can get angry, it’s ok. Try to be gentle when voicing your anger and try to maybe hold off for a couple of minutes and see if maybe, just maybe, there is some validity in what is being said.
So many times in my life I have not told the truth, not told a lie mind you and that has been my defense, but avoided saying what was really on my mind because I was flat out scared. What pains me even more is that so many times in my life I have not provided a safe space for some people to tell me their truths, thus they have felt more comfortable hiding the truth from me and then, in my pious and righteous indignation, I have gotten to tell them how wrong they are. So as I said in the beginning, this was a hard story to write, I’ve revealed myself to all of you.
No one likes uncomfortable conversations, they’re nowhere near as nice as unicorns and pots of gold and rainbows but actually, they kind of are because they do bring you closer to each other. Really, I’m not even kidding. Always speak the truth, speak it kindly, and be comforting to the listener. Always listen to your friend, listen kindly, and provide a safe space for your friend to be honest.
As I said before, you can angry, it’s ok. Remember you love each other. The goal isn’t to be right, the goal is to love each other.
Just gimme your skeleton, give me the skin it's in, yeah baby, this is you according to me.
I never avert my eyes, I never compromise, so never mind the poetry
Ani DiFranco
In another story I wrote a little bit about people avoiding conflict. In this story I’m going to touch on that again, but mostly this is about having uncomfortable conversations and truth telling in general . . . and it has been a hard story to write. Probably the worst piece of crap I’ve ever written but, so far, I would say the most poignant.
Movies and books and magazines give us the idea that life should always be perfect and pretty. What prepares us for the less than optimal times in life? What shows us how to have some very difficult conversations and know that just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean it’s bad? Watching our parents? Fighting with our siblings? Belief in a higher power? Years of 50 minute hours in a therapists office? Maybe all of these things, overwhelmingly though, people tend to avoid what’s not pretty because ugly and awkward is . . . you know, ugly and awkward. In my stories I tend to get preachy but I want to assure you the only reason I even have these stories is through my own epic failures . . . EPIC failures.
Communication is always best and telling the truth is always best. Both can be hard. Telling the truth can make you feel so afraid and vulnerable, particularly when you know the person to whom you’re speaking doesn’t want to hear it. Trust me though, they want the truth more than they want a lie. A lie makes a tense situation even worse and people, when you lie, it’s obvious. You may as well have a neon sign above your head with an arrow pointing down that says “I AM LYING RIGHT NOW”. But, when you tell the truth, even when it hurts, then both parties can begin to move forward together. It’s the only fair thing to do. I recall a time a couple of years ago when a friend of mine looked me in the eye and told me one of the most outrageous lies I’ve ever heard in my life. Really, I almost laughed out loud. I was also a bit insulted that someone thought I was so stupid as to believe such a tale. Nonetheless, I let it go. My friend knows he lied, he knows that I know he lied. What can ya do? Well, you can find people that value the truth and real communication but we all say we do. Do we really? My friend is still my friend. He lied because the truth (which I already knew) would have hurt me and he knows me well enough to know that my reaction was not going to be something he felt like dealing with. It’s not necessarily ok, I was very hurt, but I do understand. It’s hard to hurt people and it’s hard to know their reaction is going to be, shall we say, a bit fiery. But here’s where we get into the topic of uncomfortable conversations. Yes, the truth would have been hard on me, but not as hard being lied to, we needed the uncomfortable conversation. We needed to get it said and then move forward in our friendship together. I should point out here that other than hiding the truth, my friend was not doing anything wrong, I just didn’t happen to like what he was doing and the pained part of me wanted to say “Hey, you can’t pull the wool over my eyes, I know what you’re doing. I KNOW! WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS AND YOU KEEP SECRETS FROM ME? HOW DARE YOU?!” So, you see why he might not have wanted to be totally up front with me? I’d like to think I would have been slightly more noble than that, but then being noble wouldn't really have been truthful. See how hard it is? You gotta tell the truth, ya gotta. And me, maybe I need to learn to be a little more accepting. Nonetheless, life is fraught with uncomfortable conversations and we need to have them and I will indeed be talking about being a good recipient of the truth as well as being a truth teller. Both sides people, both sides, it’s about valuing the truth by speaking it and hearing it. If you were mentally pointing a finger at someone else, now is the time to stop.
Saying what needs to be said is scary sometimes. You’re standing there muttering these words and cringing or crying with every syllable and you feel vulnerable, embarrassed, and so very afraid. What if I show my real self in this moment and the person to whom I’m speaking raises their hands in disgust and horror and walks away? What am I risking by showing my true inner self? If this person knows who I really am I’ll be shamed and shunned from the herd. So much at stake, so much to risk. Well, what if that person does recoil in horror and walk away? It will hurt, but let them go. Likely it’s not so much their judgment of you as of themselves. I dunno, I’m guessing. I’m fumbling through this entire story because it really is hard to talk about tough stuff. I’d rather talk about unicorns and pots of gold and rainbows, but who wouldn’t? That’s why I’m writing this story.
Uncomfortable conversations and situations are building blocks that create a strong foundation. I think of the few people in life that know everything about me, that have seen me at my worst, and still love me. I have developed closer bonds with these people because they know my weaknesses, my frailties, my faults, and they love me. Not in spite of, not except for, they love ALL of me. There is nothing I could tell Therese about me that would make her look away in disgust and say “That’s it, friendship off”. There are times when, as a good friend, she may say “Wow, not the wisest choice you’ve ever made but ok, let’s talk about this”. I think of all the horror stories from my youth that I unloaded on Steve Whittier and he never, ever walked away and said “Wow, you’re gross. I only liked you when you were pretty and fun. Now you’re not so pretty and you're bordering on crazy.” Several years ago my friend Michele told me that she and her man had just had a disagreement but they talked about it and everything was fine. Oh you heard me, they TALKED about it, and some uncomfortable things were said. I imagine some terse words were exchanged BUT, each voiced their opinion, each listened to what the other had to say (WHAT?!) and she said “Of course we got over it and moved on and, as always after a disagreement, our relationship is stronger now.” I was stunned into silence. Their bond grew and became stronger because they HAD A DIFFICULT CONVERSATION, THE AIR HAD BEEN CLEARED HONESTLY, AND NO ONE GOT UP AND WALKED OUT ON THE OTHER ONE. What the F? This is the nature of true intimacy. Knowing that you can fillet yourself wide open and let the other person look inside at all the not so pleasant parts of you and that those not so pretty parts will be accepted and, in fact, even loved. We hear that misery loves company, because it’s comforting to know that it’s not just you. When you’re crying like you’ve lost your puppy and snot is slinging out your nose and you’re rubbing it on the back of your arm and confessing to that time you kicked a kid in school it’s horrifying, but then, oh yes then, your partner, friend, spouse, parent, sibling shines a beacon of light on you and says “You know what? When I was a kid I stole a dollar from my mom” and suddenly you have reached true intimacy nirvana because neither of you is perfect. What’s more comforting than that? Telling the truth seems frightening because we think everyone else has done everything right all the time and we have done everything wrong all the time. Not true my friends. Take comfort, we all suck sometimes.
And now we come to the other side, the listening to the truth side. Speaking the truth is scary, hearing the truth can really hurt and I have failed, failed, failed at times on both sides. There have been times I’ve been so busy pointing out fault in others that I have not been good at listening to what others have to say. Pointing a finger outward is a thinly veiled distraction to get focus off of ourselves. “I’d never lie to you!” Well, that may be true but have I been a safe harbor for you? Have I made our relationship a place where you can feel safe saying what you need to say? I’m shamed and saddened to admit I have not. I have been quite deficient at accepting some people as they are. How can I expect anyone to care for the weakest parts of me when I only accept the best and most beautiful parts of them? And yet, I am most comforted by people who are real. I am a bundle of imperfection so I don’t really want to hang with anyone who doesn’t have some flaws as well, I can’t live up to that! I don’t want to live up to that. I want someone who knows what it’s like to be imperfect.
The hearing part of an uncomfortable conversation is mortifying. It can feel like an attack, even when the most graceful and gracious words are used. You want to jump to your own defense and say “well you did that one thing and then you did that other thing and that’s way worse”. Maybe, but now isn’t the time. Or you listen politely, wordlessly, until you get your chance to say “Hmmmm, yes, I’ll take that into consideration, thank you so much for your enlightening view point”, then roll your eyes and move on. This is a successful and cunning avoidance. It appears you’ve listened but only because you haven’t spoken. I’m talking about uncomfortable CONVERSATIONS, you know, between two people, where they discuss openly and as a team try to reach some sort of happy conclusion. Uncomfortable, by the way, is not always an attack, what if you’re saying something really nice to someone who is about to break up with you? Wow, that’s an uncomfortable conversation in the works. What if you’re saying something really beautiful to someone who is squirming to get away and just doesn’t want to hear it? Awkward. But sometimes in life we have to hear things, as difficult and ego bruising as it is. We need to let our friends know that they can show us their less than beautiful parts just as we want them to see ours. It’s hard, I know it’s hard. And we need to have good friends by being good friends and letting them feel that they can come to you, or to me, and say “This isn’t good, you may not like it, will you listen anyway?” You can get angry, it’s ok. Try to be gentle when voicing your anger and try to maybe hold off for a couple of minutes and see if maybe, just maybe, there is some validity in what is being said.
So many times in my life I have not told the truth, not told a lie mind you and that has been my defense, but avoided saying what was really on my mind because I was flat out scared. What pains me even more is that so many times in my life I have not provided a safe space for some people to tell me their truths, thus they have felt more comfortable hiding the truth from me and then, in my pious and righteous indignation, I have gotten to tell them how wrong they are. So as I said in the beginning, this was a hard story to write, I’ve revealed myself to all of you.
No one likes uncomfortable conversations, they’re nowhere near as nice as unicorns and pots of gold and rainbows but actually, they kind of are because they do bring you closer to each other. Really, I’m not even kidding. Always speak the truth, speak it kindly, and be comforting to the listener. Always listen to your friend, listen kindly, and provide a safe space for your friend to be honest.
As I said before, you can angry, it’s ok. Remember you love each other. The goal isn’t to be right, the goal is to love each other.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Bruised Wine
Recently my stomach turned upside down, then my heart flipped over and fluttered as he walked in the door and I wondered “what the . . .?” and then I knew. I knew I was in trouble.
I don’t want to feel this way, but I do.
Days of trying to talk myself out of it have gone by and yet my heart still floats as I recall the smiling face that made my insides dance and sway.
I don’t want to feel this way, but I do.
Try though I might to bury it deep by ignoring it, or purge it out through tears hoping it will wash away, it remains. It remains but with the added bonus of pain . . . the sensation, the feeling is not returned.
I don’t want to feel this way, but I do.
I watch in pain as the affection is given to another, I feel sick and teary eyed for entirely different reasons. My stomach turns again, not with delight.
I most assuredly do NOT want to feel this way, but I do.
I don’t want to feel this way, but I do.
Days of trying to talk myself out of it have gone by and yet my heart still floats as I recall the smiling face that made my insides dance and sway.
I don’t want to feel this way, but I do.
Try though I might to bury it deep by ignoring it, or purge it out through tears hoping it will wash away, it remains. It remains but with the added bonus of pain . . . the sensation, the feeling is not returned.
I don’t want to feel this way, but I do.
I watch in pain as the affection is given to another, I feel sick and teary eyed for entirely different reasons. My stomach turns again, not with delight.
I most assuredly do NOT want to feel this way, but I do.
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