Words meant but were left unspoken take on a different name, and hearts mend that once were so broken as time heals the pain. 'Til you can find it in your heart to forgive, if not to forget, such a part of life that you lost.
Ahhh Paul Weller, my one true love ;-)
Some of you know 2014 has not been a stellar year for me. Some of you don't know . . . 2014 has not been a stellar year for me. You know what doesn't suck about stuff that sucks? The growth and learning, oh hell yeah, you know it. Like we don't all already rock it out enough everyday, we get kicked and learn to be an even greater version of ourselves. BOOM.
So I want to talk about shoulda, coulda, and their asshole brother, woulda. Screw these guys, they suck. Sometimes they come into life posed as helpers, they try to make you think they've arrived to help you grow and learn from your mistakes, but such is not the case. Their sinister purpose is to make you feel like crap and beat yourself up. They love it, but they can go straight to hell. Everyone makes mistakes, some big, some small, some completely on accident, but all based in the eyes of the beholder. Being beaten up over the foul balls in life, holding grudges, constantly bringing up something long gone and failing to forgive, are the mulch that feeds the filthy breeding ground of shoulda, coulda, and woulda. Compassion and love is what makes us grow. Think of the times you've screwed up at work. You know you need to go tell your boss, how do you feel? If you work for someone who wants to see you flourish and grow, someone who is encouraging then it's not going to be half as bad as if you work for someone who has their own demons. Now let me say, we all have our own demons to some extent, but there are those who need to make themselves feel big by making you feel small, and then shoulda, coulda, and woulda come around to haunt you. They rob you of sleep. They rob you of self worth. They give you the impression that if only you had done that one small thing differently then all of life would be different now. Is it true? Maybe, but only in that one instance. If there is something in your life that is going to go haywire, be it work or love or family or child rearing or bowling, it was bound to go haywire at some point anyway.
We're all going to screw up. People with mouths like me will say things they wish they hadn't. Meek people will not say things they wish they had. We'll all wish we had taken a risk, not taken a risk, spent money, saved money, there are a million and ten things in life to feel bad about, but stop it. It can become so insidious, until you start to believe you really are a bad person and maybe even start to manifest it because you believe it. And the thing is, you're awesome the way you are. Sometimes I shoot before I aim, I try not to and mostly I succeed, but it's ok if I don't from time to time. When I fail I apologize, I'm still Laura Ellen, I'm still awesome.
Here is what I've learned in the not so stellar (and yet will quite likely turn out to be very stellar) year of 2014; shoulda, coulda, and woulda can blow me. Everyone can always learn and grow and evolve and continue moving onward and upward in life but along the way, do not forget, DO NOT FORGET . . . that you are crazy f***ing amazing right now. Not later, now. And people who try to hold you victim to some stupid mistake you've made can go wander around in their own barrenness, that is their issue, not yours. What can be harder though, is when we do it to ourselves. Other people are going to find fault with you here and there, regardless of whether it's actually there or not, but you, YOU need to love you. And you know what's awesome about you? Everything. Hell yeah baby, everything! Your off key singing, your fear of public speaking, your mismatched socks, your aversion to mustard, your fear of bees, your resolute hatred of cactus and your insane love for squirrels, these things make us all beautiful.
During this very, very tumultuous year I have sought guidance and counsel and love and sympathetic ears and shoulders on which to cry and relied heavily on my feet to take me out on walks and calm my spirit. I have learned much about me and, I will admit, I wish I had learned it earlier and I often times think if I had, then things would be different now. Maybe, who knows? Shoulda, coulda, woulda, but it's the shit sandwiches in life that guide us to change. Tears and walks and anger and sadness and wondering brings us all closer to happiness eventually, but only if you dig in and do what it takes. Stop beating yourself up, others are going to do it enough for you . . . and stop listening to those that do. As I said before, anyone holding something over your head and unwilling to forgive has their own issues, think how badly they're beating themselves up. Things in my life are lookin' up, and it's all because I love me, and because I love me I have a far greater capacity to love others and offer compassion and know when a situation is not right now for me . . . and I know not to beat myself up. I am so goddamned amazing (remember, I have a deal with God and I am allowed to say goddamnit) because I surround myself with amazing people. I am deeply indebted to Shelly Reimer for her candor, counsel, and insight. I am grateful over and over again for the support and love of my remarkable circle of friends; you have all held me up when I have been down, you have all given me enormous amounts of compassion and understanding and patience. And my wacky, confounding, devoted and insane family, I would not be at all who I am without all of you . . . for better or for worse. ;-)
Look back enough to learn, but your life is now. Don't be a slave to your past.
Hey, 2014 second half . . . I'm comin' for ya!