Wednesday, March 26, 2014


I'm looking through you, where did you go? I thought I knew you, what did I know?
You don't look different, but you have changed. I'm looking through you, you're not the same.
-The Beatles

At some point you have been, or will be, told a lie by someone you trust . . . . or trusted up to that point.

You will find someone with their hand in the cookie jar, you will point out said hand in said cookie jar, and that person will look you straight in the face and say “It’s not what you think”.

But it is.

It’s exactly what you think because you’re not an idiot. That’s right, YOU are not the idiot. You may feel like an idiot, but you aren’t the one who engaged in idiotic behavior. Unfortunately, you are the one who feels like you’ve been kicked in the stomach. You are the one who feels betrayed. You are the one who is now looking at the person you thought you knew and wondering “Who are you? Do I know anything at all about you, other than you’re a liar? How long have you been lying? What else have you lied about? Was anything you ever said true”? In one fell swoop everything you know, or knew, is cast out the window and the person you thought you knew is a stranger; you throw the baby out with the bath water. You begin to look back in your history with this person, the sniglets of questioning that showed themselves before, they suddenly change from nagging thought you once pushed away to “Oh my God. Then? Did you lie then too?” You want to believe that person, oh my word how you want to believe them, you don’t want to believe what is happening, but it is.

People tell lies to protect others. People tell lies out of fear. People tell lies out of embarrassment or shame. Are there acceptable lies? Sure. Does this skirt make my butt look big? No . . . no it sure does not. Do you like my new hair cut? Yes! Everyone loves a regulation military flat top on a woman, it’s quite fetching! Some lies are just rhetorical answers to rhetorical questions. Other lies truly do protect; without deception no one would have hidden Jewish people in closets and basements and barns during WWII, without deception the abused would have nowhere to run and hide and find shelter from their abusers. But others are just flat out cruel. Few things are worse than the pain of being purposely deceived for the benefit of the liar, and only the liar. Your emotions are not even remotely interesting to the cruel liar. Even the painful truth is nowhere near as painful as the slap in the face that is a lie, it’s not about “you and me and getting through this rough moment”. It’s about ME (thinks the liar) and getting as far away from this as possible with no thought whatsoever of anyone else or consequences.

But as William Shakespeare reminds us, the truth will always out. And it does, the truth is always, always revealed. First, you can tell someone is lying while it’s happening, it’s obvious. Next, people love to talk, good Lord how people love to talk! Either through gossip or the liar’s own inability to shut the hell up, the truth will be told; give people enough rope and they will indeed hang themselves. But last, and perhaps most important, it’s just the way of the karmic fates that preside over our morality. Untruths are always uncloaked. Lies make life unbalanced. They briefly tip the scales in one person’s favor under very covert and questionable circumstances, since that’s not fair the yin and yang of the world won’t keep it that way forever. Lies take away our freedom of choice. When someone paints an incorrect picture for you they have robbed you of your choices on how to proceed. Your own free will in a situation that involves you and your life is taken. You are not given the option of how to handle the situation for yourself. Lying clearly sacrifices the liar’s dignity, but it also sacrifices the dignity of the person on the receiving end. It brings everyone down to a base level. Lying is also arrogant. Lying says “I have the upper hand. This situation is about control and power, not about faith in you or me or our ability to get through this difficult moment so I am going to take control and orchestrate everything my way”. Thus it is decreed, the gavel bangs, all rise, kiss the ring of the controlling liar as you exit.

Arrogance, deception, furtiveness; all dangerous and dicey and slippery. These are the facets of lying that we can look to when we are in pain after having been victimized by lying. These things help us to feel less victimized and gain some foot hold again. We need these power moments of anger to help us swing the pendulum back our way just a bit, we need the shift of power. And we need these moments of strength to give us some respite from the bitter pain of being so utterly disrespected. The crush of knowing you mean so little to someone that they would rather wave you off with a lie than have an above board conversation with you is shocking. It can be destroying to learn this person has no self respect, no respect for you, and no respect for whatever relationship it is you have. Lying is cruel . . . cruel to all involved, be it voluntarily or involuntarily. Lying is bollocks.

As always, I like to bring my real life experience stories around to a positive end, so let’s move on and make with the happy!

Remember, everything really is for the best. Sometimes you need to learn the person you have faith in is absent of integrity and undeserving of your faith. Sometimes it’s the only way to get the muck and toxicity out of your life. It can shake your world and leave a terrible void to lose respect for someone. This person who once stood tall in your eyes is reduced to a simpering mass of timidity. It hurts to see it happen, but it is for the best. This is not a place you should be. Throughout the roller coaster of emotions that occur; anger, shock, devastation, nonchalance, tons and tons of “chalance”; and the physical response of stomach knots, remember this . . . it is not about you, it is no reflection on you, and let me reiterate this is not a place you should be. Get angry, cry, write terrible songs and crappy blogs, then drop it and move on.

One day, when you can, if you can, try to send some good thoughts out to the person that deceived you, they need it. Something is going on inside that person that has nothing to do with you, nothing at all. Their actions are coming from somewhere sad, or hurt, or fearful. They didn't lie to you, they lied about themselves, remember the difference. You don’t have to love what they did, and I’m not suggesting you go back for more (let us harken back to THIS IS NOT A PLACE YOU SHOULD BE), just try to separate the behavior from the person. You will eventually forgive and forget, like the Taoist river flowing over the rock – you will not beat your head against it, your life will move on, you will shine on, leaving their rock of deceit in your wake, but they will still carry the deceit. Now the balance of power has shifted your way, but who wants that? Just as lying is arrogant, so is being didactic, so play nice. Try to keep life balanced, try to be fair and loving.

Nature, time, and patience are the three great healers.

Love all y’all!

No comments:

Post a Comment